You see that cute lesbian over there? Yes! The one inside your head that I’m making you envision because well…I’m not exactly able to teleport a lesbian to your living room or wherever the hello you happen to be reading this. Imagine what she looks like in your own head. Blonde? Brunette? Perfect complexion, nice clothes, long legs, looks like she takes great care of herself. Uh huh…now take a good look at her. It’s okay to fall in love with her just for a second. But only one second because the next part of your instructions are crucial.
Take a moment to genuinely regret the fact that she chooses women over men. You feelin’ it yet?
Now, blame yourself.
That’s right. I said it! You can either get mad, say this is crap and leave now or you can hear me out.
Chances are it’s totally your fault she likes women. Okay, maybe not your fault precisely, but somewhere, there’s some chauvinistic
numbskull moron idiot buffoon imbecile (insert obscenity here) who pulled some sexist, pig-headed crap more appropriate for a farm animal than for a human being. Chances are it was so offensive that the woman in question forever rebelled against men just so she could keep from experiencing it again. Maybe she decided that she didn’t want to be alone forever, but she didn’t have the patience to deal with your dumb ass so the safest bet was *ding ding ding* her best friend or pretty much anyone else with boobs. In fact, just insert random chick here because the only thing the woman we’re talking about needs is for the person she’s hooking up with to not be a dude.
Am I saying this is the case with all gay people? That they become gay because someone of the opposite sex so offended them that it was impossible for them to look at men/women the same way again? No. That would be stereo-typical & just plain mean.
Am I saying that all men are devoid of emotion and unable to keep a woman happy? No. That would be entirely untrue.
What I am saying is that some of you guys are seriously hurting your cause for finding good, decent, amazing women to spend your lives with because you’re too busy doing too much of:
And not enough of:
If you don’t know what the above photo is [Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!]
It’s LISTENING! Listen to the woman when she tells you something and instead of getting butt-hurt (i.e- mad, defensive, acting like a big giant baby) really try to consider what she’s saying and act like a real man instead of that sorry excuse for one that’ll end up finding your girl in bed with your sister or something equally emasculating. And if you don’t know what she’s saying, how hard is it to calmly ask her to explain herself in a little more detail? I get it, guys – (well, sort of) – you’re not into details, you don’t want to talk & you certainly don’t want to do everything your woman says. But you do want to have sex. Am I right? And sometimes, you just gotta do what she says to get what you want. She wins, you win. How bad could it be?
Also, may I just point out that she does not exist solely to perpetrate your every fantasy on a whim? She’s a human being with needs, too; not a blow up doll that can be pulled out and used when wanted and then deflated and shoved back under the bed as soon as you’re done or unhappy with her. That’s the kind of senseless stuff that you Dear Men do to push women away forever. It’s simple: If you want to keep your wife &/or life happy – Be NICE to the girl and she’ll be nice to you. (Unless she’s a trifling hoe like my brother’s ex, but that’s a different story.)
I know this post is titled Dear Men and for the sake of staying on topic, I’ll focus on that for the most part, but I do need to insert a small little something for the girls. Stop parenting your men. They don’t need another mother; they need a partner in life. Someone to believe in them, encourage them & keep them from doing stupid things without making them feel stupid in the process. They need attention and affection just like you do – it just comes in a different form because they are not women. Stop trying to turn them into one! (More on that when I post Dear Women.)
So back to the guys. Sorry, it’s just beat up on the men day I guess. But really, I’m not trying to beat up on you – I’m trying to help you, but some of you only respond when it’s given to you straight so there it is. And here’s another piece of gold for you to try and wrap your head around. If your “special lady” (sorry…got a little Terry Bellfleuer from True Blood there for a second…) says “NO” to you about givin’ up the good stuff a couple times in a week; don’t have a cow. Chances are she’s just tired, stressed, over-worked, has too much on her mind, is in pain, ect…my point is that she’s not REJECTING YOU. She just needs you to back off for a minute so she can get her shitoke’ mushrooms together and if you can do that instead of acting like a it’s more likely that she’ll come back to you later and make the whole thing up to you with flashing lights, fireworks, cone-shaped boobs…whatever works for you. And if that’s not the case with you and yours, maybe you just need to find out what gets her going and try that instead of pulling this number:
Guy: *shoves the girl in the side in an attempt to wake her from the dead of sleep* “Hey,” he says in his best cave man voice. “You awake?” *Rolls over on top of her and somehow expects her to appreciate this.* If this is your move, you might as well find a smelly Fred Flintstone costume, club the woman in the head and drag her back to your dirty, unfurnished man cave. The joy she expresses over that scenario will be even less frightening than the response you will get from waking the modern woman from a dead slumber just because your flag came up a little early. And if she was dreaming about Ian Somerhalder; forget it. You’re dead.
Here is an example of a scenario that might – not always, but might – suit you better:
Guy: *Attention!* *Eyes fly open suddenly* *Glances at wife & thinks about waking her* *Decides he does not, in fact, have a death wish & gets up to make breakfast* *Brings wife her favorite breakfast in bed*
You see where this is going? Wake her with pancakes and bacon rather than dry humping her back-side and you’re way more likely to get the desired pay off. And if not, at the very least she will be telling her friends how sweet and amazing you are, making all their boyfriends and husbands look like total douche bags. It’s probable that she’ll even get up one morning and make breakfast in bed for you to return the favor so either way, you still win.
Women appreciate consideration and we can pay you back for it generously if you can just hang in there while we get our heads back on straight. We’re crazy, emotional and we make no sense most of the time, but if you can’t handle the not-so-good things, you don’t get to handle the AWESOME things 😀 They will be deemed too awesome for you and that is when some women will start thinking: Girls already know what other girls want. I don’t have to teach or train or explain… And following that they think: *Katy Perry-shaped lightbulb* GIRLS! This is a good idea!!
BOOM – Lesbian. Just like that.
And you’re doing it to yourselves!!!
So, in conclusion, I’ll put everything I just said in a nut shell.
Below are some brief, but accurate instructions on what you can do to stop losing your wives, girl friends &/or “special ladies” to other “special ladies” (and even to the guy next door). You may need some assistance, but know this, if you do it: It will revolutionize your life.