Yes, it’s that time again. Get out your boxing gloves ladies. It’s gonna be a long fight.
I did promise I would post “Dear Women,” but in thinking about it, I realized that I have far too many things to say to those of the female persuasion that are not, in fact, women. Yet.
I have some teenage readers & I simply cannot pass up the potential to have an impact on your impressionable young minds so I will be speaking to you first.
You see…you’re all idiots.
Am I saying that I’m the brightest crayon in the box? Absolutely-friggin’-not.
I’ve just learned a few things in my
long short semi-medium life span that I want to share. Pay attention and you just might learn something. I know old people always say that, but seriously – all that gray in their hair? – it’s pure wisdom, I’m tellin’ ya! I can’t wait until all my hair turns gray. Or better yet, white. I totally want white hair. It’s like a monument to one’s incredibly wise knowledge of life and a free pass to tell everyone you know to go screw themselves for no other reason in the world except that you’re 80 years old and you’ve earned the right. I want to be known as the coolest grandmother in existence aside from my own. Until I get to that point where I’m sitting in an adult diaper drooling and rambling about goats, but I’m choosing not to focus on that part right now.
Right now, I’m choosing to focus on my belief that most girls between the ages of 12-20 something (disregard the fact that I’m 26…I was an idiot, too, but I like to think I’m growing out of that particular character trait, teehee!) are big ol’ idiot air-heads! You make straight As in school? Oh well, then…excuse me smarty pants! That’s not the kind of idiot I’m talking about. I am talking about the kind of idiot that follows BOYS around like little lost puppies, not realizing or acknowledging the fact that girls have all the power. You don’t have to follow that boy around or do or be anything that you are not just because he wants you to be.
When I say you have all the power, that is not just talk. (Or writing or typing or whatever some of you overly-analytical know-it-alls would call it.)
I mean it. YOU have ALL the POWER! (That goes for you adult chicks, too 😛 )
I purposely overemphasized those words because you need to get it through your heads. Girls own the entire world. Sorry, guys, but it’s true and I can back it up.
Remember the Spice Girls and they’re whole “Girl Power” deal? They might be irrelevant now, but the idea that girls are powerful, strong, independent and can whoop any man’s tale – that will never be irrelevant or obsolete in the United States. We really do own the world. Or we can if some of us would grow out of our ignorance and just embrace the fact that we’re totally awesome 🙂
*Before I back up my bold claims, however; I need to make a short disclaimer:
I will be speaking about girls and guys in a very typical, general sense. I would never be so cocky and presumptuous as to apply all the same character and personality traits to every boy/man, girl/woman in existence so please interpret what applies to you for yourselves and leave the rest. And don’t send me hateful emails detailing how I’m being unfair to the sexes by saying that every one of you is just alike because I am not and I will not. But it’s impossible to speak specifically on every possible scenario so I’m sticking with statistics & stereo-types. (<—say that ten times fast.) Also, I’m going to get into some heavier stuff that you might not
A.) want your kid to read or
B.) want to read if you are a kid that can’t read the word “sex” without blushing, let alone say it aloud.
If you’re under the age of, I don’t know…15, unless your parents have given you permission to read this, please leave now. If your parents get pissed that you read this without their permission, I want everyone else here to be witnesses that I told you to leave. Plus, it’s not my fault no one is monitoring what you’re doing on the computer or your cell phone or wherever you happen to be reading this from. So…*shrugs*
So…why do you have all the power? (I wish I could see the show of hands and girls bouncing up and down: “Pick me, pick me! I know, I know!” lol)
It’s because most boys, once they get to a certain age, only want one thing.
It’s in your pants & I am not talking about your lip-gloss honey.
It is yours and no one else’s. Let me be clear: YOU OWN IT. YOU CONTROL IT. You decide what happens with it; no one else can tell you what to do with it. It is YOUR CHOICE. So, how does it feel to know you have complete control and power over something? (And because I feel like being Captain Obvious today, the something that you have complete control over? Your own body…especially that part of your body which resides below the belt! Oh and boys…let’s not forget boys. You totally have control over boys.)
Your parents get to set your curfew, tell you that you have to go to school even when you faked the most believable fever ever, hound you about your room and your school work. Your teachers get to micro-manage your every move at school & even when you’re off at a friends house, that friends’ parents are probably spying on everything you do – or at the very least – listening to it all. There are few moments that you – and you alone – own and there are even less things that you have complete control over.
BUT. But, but but.
There are two things that seem to make the world spin. For women, it’s love. For men, it’s sex. They are supposed to mean the same thing, but sadly, they don’t.
And the even more screwed up part is that the females have all the control over what makes the guys world go ’round and (even though there are all kinds of love & it doesn’t have to be romantic to fill whatever holes it is you have in your life) for the most part, the guys have control over what women want most. Meaning you both can choose whether to give it or not.
Does that mean you should pretend to like baseball just because your boyfriend (or crush or any guy) does even if you hate it with the fiery passion of a thousand hells just to get him to love you? No.
Does it mean that you should let him talk you into having sex with him because that will somehow magically make him love you? No. It won’t make him love you. Telling him no; making him wait and making him treat you the way a boy who is becoming a man is supposed to treat a young woman – ironically enough, that’s what’ll make him love you. That’s what makes you a keeper and what makes all the other girls before you (assuming there are any) toys that he played with for a little while and then threw away. Don’t get me wrong; some boys will leave you alone after they find out you aren’t a hoe bag…it’s just what some of them do and a guy who does that isn’t worth your time anyway. So PLEASE STOP FOLLOWING THOSE KINDS OF BOYS AROUND LIKE HOMELESS ANIMALS! I cannot say this enough; you have the power! Use it and don’t give it away to some jerk who will only abuse it and you.
Should you let him treat you like a door-mat and let him walk all over you just because he’s “totally cute” and you want him to like you back? No. Because a guy that treats you like property or like you’re insignificant to him except when he wants something is NOT the guy for you. I don’t mean that he might not be the guy for you. I mean he isn’t. At all. Until he grows the hell up and starts treating you with some respect.
I have an inkling that some of you don’t even know what real respect looks like. I’m still talking to kids here, by the way, but adults, if this makes you feel guilty – you should listen up, too. (Oh and…Yes, teenager…you are still classified as a “kid”. An adolescent, not an adult and this next part is for you so stop whining that you’re not a kid – because that only proves that you are – and read. This is valuable stuff! Boys, this could help you out, too.)
No matter what he tells you, he is not respecting you if he says he wants to give you a massage, but that you need to take your shirt off for it. Even if he says he’ll look away while you undress and lay down, even if he covers you with a sheet and even if you end up letting him do it and he doesn’t touch a thing except your back – he’s not being respectful. He’s trying to get you to want to take more of your clothes off not to mention feeling you up in the process. The next time he wants to give you a massage, he’ll want to massage your legs, too and surely he won’t be able to do that “the right way” unless your pants come off. It’s not sweet. It’s not genuine. He’s just horny. Face it.
If you’re walking into a crowded room somewhere and he chooses that moment to run his hand gently down from your back to your butt – that’s not respect; it’s him displaying ownership and by default, his own insecurity issues (which, to be fair – we all have). If he does this in front of your family, that’s even more disrespectful.
If you’re on a date and your 17-year old boyfriend tells you he wants to stop at a deserted park and gaze at the stars with you – please, for the love of all that is holy, please – tell that boy he is full of crap. Like 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound sack. All he wants to do is gaze at your chest while you’re rambling about how pretty the moon is. Your boyfriend does not give a flying flock of geese about the moon. All he cares about is copping a feel in the car before he takes you home. Again, not respectful. It’s not love. It’s lust. Learn the difference enough to recognize it when it creeps up on you later. I say when, not if and that’s assuming you haven’t experienced this already. Sadly, it happens far too young for most of you.
Please understand that you’re going to see adults in adult relationships do these kinds of things and that does change the whole dynamic. It’s okay for a husband to give his wife a half-naked message, okay? But it’s not okay for a fifteen year old who is still finding themselves and learning about life. So don’t go up to your dad when you see him playfully grabbing your mom’s butt in the kitchen and tell him he’s not respecting her…I don’t think I can deal with the hate mail I would receive from such a scenario.
Anyway, the case I’m making here is this; if he only wants to get in your pants – STOP LETTING HIM! Start being smart with all this power you have over your own life because this isn’t just about sex and boys and people acting like idiots whose brains are all holed up inside their genitals; it’s about your whole life. The decisions you make now shape the way the rest of your life unfolds. So make smart ones. Love the people who genuinely love you and stop worrying so much about that boy in your history class that won’t give you a second glance because he’s too busy banging Susy-Huge-Boobs to take any notice of a girl who actually has some brains and self-respect. That is the most important part right there. You have to have respect for yourself if you want anyone else to respect you. Respect your body and the things that you do with it and somewhere down the road, you will find some amazing guy who will love you for the woman that you are & not just pretend to so he can get something out of you.
And Susy that I just mentioned? She’ll probably have five kids and have been divorced twice by age 20 so you’re really coming out on the better end of the deal here. If you’re going to do it, do it right. I would totally advocate waiting until you’re married because I didn’t and I while I love my husband and my kids more than anything in the entire world, that is the one thing that I will always wish I had done differently. I spent my wedding night watching Mad TV, okay? Do you understand that? There was no magic, no fireworks, no candle-light…not even any damn music except for that stupid Mad TV jingle. And why should there have been? We skipped ahead 10 chapters instead of waiting for the good stuff in the middle.
I can’t guarantee that it will be like some fairy-tale if you do, but I can guarantee that it takes a little of the magic – a little of the anticipation, the nervousness and the mystery – out of your wedding night if you don’t.
And this whole time I haven’t even mentioned pregnancy or the risk of STD’s…what a poor health teacher I would make! While that’s important stuff to think about, most of you know it already and I’m more concerned with the emotional ramifications of being an idiot than I am the medical ones. But, to prove that I’m health conscious – (you’ve heard it before) It only takes ONE time having sex to get pregnant. You don’t want to accept your diploma 9-months pregnant while looking like a pimple-faced whale wearing man clothes underneath your graduation gown and give birth 3 days later, do you? I should have thought about it before I did it. (Seriously, that is no joke. Really happened.)
Also, you don’t want to give your future husband a “gift” from your former boyfriend do you? You also don’t want to go messing with a guy that has been with Susy-Huge-Boobs from a couple paragraphs up, right? That would just be gross. “Hoe-bag” isn’t a quantifiable STD, but it should be classified as one solely as a scare tactic to get some of you to think before you act.
Now that I’ve taken up what would normally be a regular post talking only to the younger group of females, I’ll make this twice as long (because I just really don’t want to split it up) by going ahead and talking to those of you who consider yourselves grown. Those of you that are currently in or have been in mature relationships.
All the stuff above applies to you, too. I know it seems a little ridiculous, but like I said in the disclaimer, take what applies to you and leave the rest. There are some things up there that really do apply for adult relationships because, unfortunately, we still have 40 year old men acting like 19 year olds and subsequently, hooking up with 19 year olds. Seriously? Just…ew.
It goes back to what I was saying about what makes the world spin for men and women. Women want love so we foolishly give men sex to get it. That’s wrong! That’s all they want and as soon as they get what they want, you’re left with sore lady-business and a broken heart. You want the man to love you? Make him work for the sex. While he’s doing all this working, he’ll be learning how to appreciate you and, more importantly, how to love you in the process. You don’t give your kids their allowance if they haven’t earned it by doing their chores, right? It’s the same thing.
Then, when you finally get the man to love you so much that he can’t see his life without you in it and thus, feels he needs to propose; don’t turn into one of those crazy Bride-zilla’s! He’ll start rethinking his decision to marry you once he sees how much of a freakish control-freak you can be! I get it; weddings are stressful. They make everybody crazy with all the planning and details, not to mention the emotional stuff an impending marriage can bring along with it. The point is not to get so caught up in all that, that you forget why you’re getting married in the first place. It’s your first introduction to what living life with the same person forever is going to be like and you have to communicate to get through it. That means turn the bride-zilla switch off for 2-seconds and remember to tell your soon-to-be hubby that you still love him and not just the giant rock he put on your finger.
Then comes the honey-moon. No comment on that one…
After that is when all the hard stuff happens. You realize that your other half is not perfect and that their feet are really, really stinky. And heaven forbid you walk into the bathroom behind them…
Your bills pile up, you work too much and don’t give yourself enough date nights. You get stressed out. Then you have kids and get even more stressed out. Before you know it, you’re yelling at each other almost everyday or else just not talking at all. And you certainly stop *bow chicka wow wow*…
Are all marriages that way? No.
Is there a huge stereo-type on marriage that says it is? Absolutely.
Is it that way sometimes, though? Duh. Of course. But you don’t have to get divorced over it.
It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything “wrong” exactly or that your marriage is doomed to fail. It just means you need to get educated about your spouse, what they need, what they like, what’s different about them, what is still the same, what’s going on with them ect… Communicate a little more and communicate better. And I do not mean communicating that you “hate that fat S.O.B” or whatever colorful expletives you can pour out of your mouth depending on your emotional state that day. I mean stopping everything else in your life and focusing on the person that you vowed to love most in the world.
Don’t use your kids as an excuse for why you can’t ever have a moment alone. Your relationship dilemma’s are not their fault. You have locks on your bedroom doors – use them. And if you don’t – buy one and use it! They can entertain themselves for 5 minutes a day while you talk and if that’s all the time you can get in, do it. Five minutes a day of real communication (ie. not just coordinating schedules but really talking – “how are you feeling today?” “Is there anything I can do for you today?” That kind of talking!) is better than none at all. Keep doing it until you can work up more time together or do it at a time when your kids are sleeping or
otherwise engaged not up your butt. Even if you’re tired or just not feeling it at the moment, take the time to connect with your spouse. If you can do that even when you’re 30 seconds away from a dead sleep or killing somebody, that is a way to show them that they are a priority. You can sleep when you’re dead – your husband is right here right now and he needs to know that he matters to you just as much as your kids, your career, your hobby or whatever else it is that you spend hours doing when you could be spending time with him.
Another thing you can do to solve the “my kids are everywhere and won’t ever leave me alone!” thing; send them to a friend or family members house so you can get a few much-needed minutes or hours alone and use the time wisely. Use it for whatever the most pertinent issue in your relationship is at the time. If you have problems you need to discuss; discuss them. Try to resolve them if you can. Do not yell at each other. Do not blame one another. Do not call each other names. A simple “I feel _____ when you ______. Could we try ______ instead?” will suffice to get the ball rolling in a much more positive way than “I can’t believe you did ______ you sorry bastard! I hate you and I hope you go prematurely bald and that all your teeth fall out and that you are never happy again!”
If you haven’t done the deed in a while, the second that door closes, feel free to have at it. You can’t neglect your spouse just because you have too many other things going on. All it does is breed more resentment and more neglect which just makes it that much harder to find your way back to each other in the long run. So long story short, take time for each other, but don’t make it always one-sided (i.e – don’t be a selfish nincompoop). Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want temporarily to give your spouse what they need. You know, cross one bridge to get to another.
If you’re not married yet and you find yourself in relationships that just never seem to pan out the way you want them to (or even if you’ve been married and this happened), stop and think about what dumb crap you’re doing to screw it up! Yes, I said that. It’s not always the other person making the mistakes. Take some responsibility and figure out what it is that you’re doing or not doing to send things in the opposite direction of the way you want them to go. Stop putting the blame on other people. Yes, they screwed up, too, but can you do anything about their actions? No. But you can learn from your own mistakes and try to make sure they aren’t repeated. This will give you much better odds for your next relational endeavor.
Did your love interest go running right after you gave him access to the happy place? Here’s your sign – stop doing that! I can’t say it enough! The power is under your skirt – stop hiking the skirt up and giving all your best cards away before you’ve even won a few hands. It’s like the best bargaining tool in existence and we don’t even use it! What is that about?! Even married people can still do this within reason. For those of you that are about to bring up that whole “it says ‘do not withhold from your spouse’ in the Bible” spiel…save it. (That is a post for another day! Entitled: “When People Use The Bible Only To Suit Their Advantages, But Choose To Disregard It When It Doesn’t Benefit Them Because They Are Idiots Who Can’t Even Excel At Being Hypocrites.”) I’ve made a few examples for you of what I think it means not to withhold sex from your spouse while also keeping them on their toes. Of course, why does it matter what I think? But even so…here it is.
When To Restrict “Happy Place” Access…or Not.
A.) Do: If he promised to take the trash out 3 weeks ago and still hasn’t.
Don’t: If he just doesn’t take it out immediately after you ask. Give the boy a chance!
*Note: When you’re withholding, don’t say “Your lazy arse ain’t gettin’ any ’til you get this trash taken out!” because he will automatically say “well, we’ll see about that” and you’ll be in this contest of who’s man-business is bigger where he’s refusing to do what you asked to prove a point and you’re refusing to give him sex to prove a point. In this scenario, the only point you’re both proving is how pig-headed and stubborn you are and the moment one of you gives in, you automatically feel like the “weak” one while simultaneously feeding the other’s need to feel superior. That is not good for your relationship! Stop acting like an imbecile.
And please don’t nag him about it. It’s just another way to start a “who’s boss” war in your home in which nobody wins. It’s far better if you say something like, “Baby, take out the trash and meet me in the bedroom in 15 minutes.” Then you will have yourself one motivated boy!!
B.) Do: If he does something you’ve told him a million times that you hate and that he has agreed not to do again, but still keeps doing religiously.
Don’t: If you’ve talked about whatever it is that you wish he’d stop doing, he’s agreed to stop, but is still doing it – after only two days. He needs time to adjust so if he’s trying, compliment him on that so he will keep trying and eventually, you’ll see the behavior you want.
*Note: I have an example of what I mean: If you hate being woken up in the morning for sex, you’ve expressed your displeasure with it & he’s agreed to try to stop doing that, but it seems like he makes no effort whatsoever. If you wake up every morning that week with him groping you after you’ve made it clear that it isn’t appreciated, don’t just roll over and give him what he wants to shut him up. That only encourages him to keep doing it!
If it’s only been a few days and you’ve noticed that he’s doing it less, but slips up one morning – give him the benefit of the doubt. You still may not give him sex in this case, but don’t hold out on him just to teach him a lesson if you’re actually feeling appreciative enough of his effort to…appease him. And let him know that you appreciate his effort to do what you asked and that you’d like it to continue. If he knows that he can still have morning sex sometimes, he’s more likely to readily accept the fact that it’s not going to happen every single day & start trying harder to make you happy.
C.) Do: If you really want something to get done and you don’t think it will without a little extra motivation.
Don’t: If you know that something will get done faster if you ask him to do it while he’s in his “OMG I Love You So Much” post-coital glow phase.
No note for this one. It pretty much goes along with the same idea as the trash thing…I just wanted to point out the many things it can apply to.
D.) Do: If you’re sick or otherwise not in your best form.
Don’t: If you’re just aggravated or ill or “not feelin’ it” ect.. It just might help get you out of whatever funk you’re in if you approach it the right way.
I’m not saying to just suck it up and give him what he wants every single time no matter what mood you’re in, but I am saying to think about whether it’s worth it not to first. It goes back to putting your loved one first. If there’s no real reason other than you “don’t feel like it” then at least give it a shot & really try to put yourself into it instead of getting into this mindset that you don’t feel like it & acting like a dead fish. Sometimes it helps to get the two of you connected again and it’s scientifically proven that most women don’t feel the desire for sex until they are already engaged in it because we don’t get “turned on” the same way men do.
Now back on topic! —- Thinking about what you’re not doing so well in relationships:
Are you trying to be a mother instead of a partner and your guy got sick of you hounding him all the time? Big clue – he doesn’t want to climb in bed with his mama and if he does – RUN FOR THE EFFING HILLS!
Are you unreasonably jealous and can’t seem to trust him with any female, to include but not limited to, his own sister? That’s just crazy. If he hasn’t illicited any reason for you to distrust him, then stop harassing the guy. That’s a great way to ruin what could potentially be a great relationship. I’m not saying give your heart or your trust away freely because it certainly has to be earned, but don’t make him pay for the mistakes of the jerk you dated before him. Women have a big issue with that.
If you haven’t resolved the issues from your previous relationship, it’s a big ol’ red flag that is telling you that you aren’t ready to pursue another relationship just yet. Grow up and try to be happy with yourself and on your own before you start trying to integrate another person in your life whose needs have to be considered, too. You can’t be a good partner for someone if you’re still bitter over the last break-up. It’s not fair to you and it’s certainly not fair to the other person for you to come along all happy-go-lucky on the outside and then drop your baggage in their lap like some emotional nuclear bomb.
So – there are a lot of things for you ladies to work with now and I could go on, but since I feel this post is already dramatically long (like quadruple my normal length!), I’m going to end it here for now. Please feel free to supply some other ideas or questions in the comments section if you have something you want me to touch on. If I have an opinion about it, I’ll share. Please notice that I said “If I have an ‘opinion‘” about it and not “if I have any knowledge” about it. All the things I write are opinion based and I am by no means insinuating that my own relationship is perfect. We have our fights and my husband, God love him, gets on my nerves sometimes, but we really do have what I think is a great relationship. Not perfect, but wonderful nonetheless. One of the reasons it’s so wonderful is because it’s not perfect. The majority of the things I talk about are from personal experience and we’ve done a lot of the things I’ve talked about – the good stuff and the bad stuff – but it’s helped to make us a better, stronger couple so I’m hoping it might do the same for someone else. I hate hearing all the horrible statistics about teenagers & sex and adults & divorce. This is my way of saying something about it. I hope you enjoyed this overly-long monologue of mine! If you got to the bottom, you totally deserve a cookie. And if I know you personally, I’ll even bake you some for real because this was some seriously long shitoke’ mushrooms.
And if you didn’t read all the way through….well…I can’t help it that you’re an under-acheiving quitter. Put that in your juice-box and suck it. <—Kinda sucks that the people I’m talking to here will never get far enough to read that. Poo. It’s such a great line…