I Believe Apple Butter + Poo + C4 – Toilet Paper = A Really Bad Day

For your enjoyment & my temporary amusement:

A list of things I believe:

I believe that Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I believe that if you tell someone there are four-billion stars, they will believe you no questions asked. But tell them the paint is wet and they will want to check.

I believe that Tarzan’s hairless baby-face is some seriously freaky stuff. He lives in the jungle for cryin’ out loud!

I believe experience is what we get when we don’t get what we want.

I believe it’s absurd that we only get 2 choices for President, but 50 for Miss America.

I believe that Disney World is a people trap run by a mouse. It’s genius, really.

I believe that reading in the bathroom should be considered multi-tasking.

I believe there used to be life before Facebook.

I also believe I forgot my password to it.

I believe there’s a small minuscule microscopic chance that you could get out of jury duty by prefacing every response with, “According to the prophecy…”

I believe there’s a better chance you could get yourself held in contempt.

I believe that some moron somewhere will try it just to find out. Note to that moron: report back. Lemme know how it goes, homie.

I believe that if your facebook relationship status is set to “it’s complicated” you should stop kidding yourself & change it to “single.”

I believe that you should always, ALWAYS check to make sure there’s toilet paper before using the bathroom in someone else’s house. On a similar note, travel lysol wipes are probably an excellent idea, too.

I believe that everyone should be nice to nerds. There’s an 80% chance you’ll end up working for them! Boo-yah!

I believe anti-wrinkle cream doesn’t really work. If it did, women wouldn’t have any fingerprints.

I believe life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get. Unless you’ve purchased the same chocolates for 10 years straight…then there’s a pretty good chance you’re not going to experience an upsetting amount of excitement.

I believe in making the world a better, safer place for our children. But not our children’s children because I don’t believe children should be having sex. 😛

I believe “Ain’t nobody gonna mess on me an’ call it apple butter!” (<—Strike one off my list! Click the link if you have no clue what I’m talking about.)

I believe my sober dreams are insane enough to make the idea of me using drugs a complete non-issue. It’s far too dangerous to have all those chemicals hampering my already questionable judgement.

I believe when kids ask “why is it raining?” A cute thing to tell them is “because God is crying.” When they ask why God is crying, I think a cute thing to tell them is “probably because of something you did.”

I believe there are no personal problems that cannot be solved through suitable application of high-end explosives.

Feel free to comment & tell me what you believe 😀

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3 thoughts on “I Believe Apple Butter + Poo + C4 – Toilet Paper = A Really Bad Day

  1. Pingback: Dear Yankees « Bethylicious

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