Sucktacular Vernacular

I’m in a mood today.

Everybody has them, but this one has grabbed onto me like a Chinese Death Grip and will not let go. I don’t want to get into the specifics because I know it will pass eventually and because also, I’m not looking for sympathy. What I’m looking for is a safe place to just be angry at anything (or everything) and let it fly without the threat of accidentally hurting someone I love just because I’m feeling crappy.

So instead, I’m going to take my frustration out on Avril Lavigne.

Why? What has Avril ever done to me? Absolutely nothing. She’s a beautiful, talented girl, but I think that’s my problem. Not that she’s beautiful and talented, but that she’s a woman still acting like a girl. I used to love her music and still have several songs that I like, but lately, she’s been killin’ me! Let me give you an example:

And I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You’re always there, you’re everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did
Didn’t think about it, just went with it
You’re always there, you’re everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

My issue with this?

said/head, there/where…such complicated, unique rhyming patterns and profound lyrics! Oh wait…nevermind.

[Chorus:]
Damn, Damn, Damn, <—-triple damn! Oooh! Epic!
What I’d do to have you
Here, here, here <—-again with the triplets
I wish you were here. <—-yes, Avril. We’ve established that already.

{Second Verse – Same as the first! Essentially anyway}

Damn, Damn, Damn
What I’d do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

I think you see my problem by now. She hasn’t evolved. Her music is still just as lyrically vapid as it was when she was 17. The only difference is that now she’s 27. Just a few tabloid covers away from 30 and her music still sounds like something a 15 year old would write.

I’m not the authority on music, okay? I get that people like her stuff and it sells, but what I don’t get is WHY? Unless you’re 14 years old, I don’t see the appeal to her music. I see the appeal to her being that she looks like a cute little wanna-be punk skater-girl barbie doll, but her music is empty. It doesn’t make me feel anything except a divine urge to mail her (or her songwriter’s) a dictionary, thesaurus & reference book.

And I assure you I am not basing this off of a single song. She’s got plenty more material to make fun of work with make fun of.

What The Hell

You say that I’m messing with your head
All ’cause I was making out with your friend
Love hurts whether it’s right or wrong
I can’t stop ’cause I’m having too much fun

You’re on your knees
Begging, “Please
Stay with me”
But honestly
I just need to be
A little crazy

All my life I’ve been good,
But now…
I’m thinking, “what the hell?”
All I want is to mess around
And I don’t really care about…

If you love me
If you hate me
You can’t save me
Baby, baby
All my life I’ve been good
But now…
What the hell?

What?
What?
What?
What the hell?

So what if I go out on a million dates?
You never call or listen to me anyway
I’d rather rage than sit around and wait all day
Don’t get me wrong, I just need some time to play

You’re on your knees
Begging, “Please
Stay with me”
But honestly
I just need to be
A little crazy

All my life I’ve been good,
But now…
I’m thinking, “What the hell?”
All I want is to mess around
And I don’t really care about…

If you love me
If you hate me
You can’t save me
Baby, baby
All my life I’ve been good
But now…
What the hell?

La, la, la, la, la, la
Whoa, whoa
La, la, la, la, la, la
Whoa, whoa

You say that I’m messing with your head
Boy, I like messing in your bed
Yeah, I am messing with your head when
I’m messing with you in bed

All my life I’ve been good,
But now…
I’m thinking, “What the hell?”
All I want is to mess around
And I don’t really care about
All my life I’ve been good,
But now…
I’m thinking, “What the hell?”
All I want is to mess around
And I don’t really care about…

(If you love me)

If you love me
If you hate me
You can’t save me
Baby, baby
(If you love me)
All my life I’ve been good
But now…
What the hell?

La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la

 

I don’t even know where to begin with this song. At least it has a few more words than the previous one, but still – it has no substance. She’s 27 for crying out loud!

Dear Avril,

You are not a teenager. Those of us who have grown up with you or are the same age as you would like to see you doing something with a little more heart. Amen or The End or whatever…

No, no, no sweetie. I didn’t say with less clothes! I said with more heart! And this is another example of stupid lyrics. All it basically says is “Goodbye, I have to go, always know I love you so.” Go, know & so; once again you astound me with your lyrical genius.

On the bright side, she is totally cute. That whole “goodbye black stars! I’m going to sleep! Oh wait, I can’t; I have a concert!” could have made her seem really ditzy, but instead it came off really cute. Her lyrics handle the ‘dumb’ part for her so I don’t think I need to say anymore on that.

Let me just say before I go that I don’t really have anything against Avril. Like I said, I used to be a big fan of hers. I, personally, have just outgrown her is all. That doesn’t mean that she’s not still wonderful and talented. I think it does mean that she desperately needs new songwriter’s, but no one else may agree with me. That’s cool.

I just needed something to harp on to make me feel better about my current crappy situation and I just so happened to see the video for “Goodbye” on Yahoo. I hated it almost as much as I have hated everything else today and I really just wanted to tear something apart. Be happy I chose a song (or perhaps an artist) and nothing substantial. No one cares what I think about Avril, but I think I know several people who would care if I went on a murdering spree.

So, thank you Avril, for letting me insult you & for saving me from a murdering spree. I will owe your crappy lyrics at least that much for as long as I live.

She can’t write worth a damn, her vocabulary sucks and she has the maturity of my shoe size; but she did save me from murderously murdering all those people that one time.” <—I will remember you fondly, Avril Lavigne.

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