Dear Females; Part 1

I’ve been working on trying to shorten my posts. As an exercise (& also because I think more people should read the following) I am reblogging one of my old posts in shorter sections. This is the beginning of a Learn How To Blog Shorter & More Efficiently workshop that I am both teaching & attending all on my own. I want to be able to get to the point in 50 million words or less. So far, it doesn’t look promising. So, here goes – I’ve broken it up and I’ll be posting a section a day until the whole (unbearably long) post is up again in its entirety.

Dear Females;

Yes, it’s that time again. Get out your boxing gloves ladies. It’s gonna be a long fight.

I did promise I would post “Dear Women,” but in thinking about it, I realized that I have far too many things to say to those of the female persuasion that are not, in fact, women. Yet.

I have some teenage readers & I simply cannot pass up the potential to have an impact on your impressionable young minds so I will be speaking to you first.

You see…you’re all idiots.

Am I saying that I’m the brightest crayon in the box? Absolutely-friggin’-not.

I’ve just learned a few things in my long short semi-medium life span that I want to share. Pay attention and you just might learn something. I know old people always say that, but seriously – all that gray in their hair? – it’s pure wisdom, I’m tellin’ ya! I can’t wait until all my hair turns gray. Or better yet, white. I totally want white hair. It’s like a monument to one’s incredibly wise knowledge of life and a free pass to tell everyone you know to go screw themselves for no other reason in the world except that you’re 80 years old and you’ve earned the right. I want to be known as the coolest grandmother in existence aside from my own. Until I get to that point where I’m sitting in an adult diaper drooling and rambling about goats, but I’m choosing not to focus on that part right now.

Right now, I’m choosing to focus on my belief that most girls between the ages of 12-20 something (disregard the fact that I’m 26…I was an idiot, too, but I like to think I’m growing out of that particular character trait, teehee!) are big ol’ idiot air-heads! You make straight As in school? Oh well, then…excuse me smarty pants! That’s not the kind of idiot I’m talking about. I am talking about the kind of idiot that followsBOYS around like little lost puppies, not realizing or acknowledging the fact that girls have all the powerYou don’t have to follow that boy around or do or be anything that you are not just because he wants you to be.

When I say you have all the power, that is not just talk. (Or writing or typing or whatever some of you overly-analytical know-it-alls would call it.)

I mean it. YOU have ALL the POWER! (That goes for you adult chicks, too :P )

I purposely overemphasized those words because you need to get it through your heads. Girls own the entire world. Sorry, guys, but it’s true and I can back it up.

Remember the Spice Girls and they’re whole “Girl Power” deal? They might be irrelevant now, but the idea that girls are powerful, strong, independent and can whoop any man’s tale – that will never be irrelevant or obsolete in the United States. We really do own the world. Or we can if some of us would grow out of our ignorance and just embrace the fact that we’re totally awesome :) And superior.

*Before I back up my bold claims, however; I’m going to give you a day to think about what I’ve just said. We’ll resume our regularly scheduled lesson tomorrow. It begins with The Disclaimer.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Females; Part 1

  1. Pingback: Dear Females; Part 2 « Bethylicious

  2. Pingback: Dear Females; Part 6 « Bethylicious

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