Dear Females; Part 5

So we’ve talked about respect and I hope you understood what I was saying. If anyone has anything to add to that please do, although I think I talk enough for all of us. Remember, respect yourself & your body and eventually you’ll find someone who will respect you, too and treat you the way you deserve to be treated instead of just getting what they want & taking off.

And Susy that I mentioned in Dear Females; Part 4? She’ll probably have five kids and have been divorced twice by age 20 so you’re really coming out on the better end of the deal here. If you’re going to do it, do it right. I would totally advocate waiting until you’re married to have sex because I didn’t and I while I love my husband and my kids more than anything in the entire world, I ended up getting so much luckier than most girls my age who made the same decisions & faced the same consequences. That is the one thing that I will always wish I had done differently. I spent my wedding night watching Mad TV, okay? Do you understand that? There was no magic, no fireworks, no candle-light…not even any damn music except for that stupid Mad TV jingle. And why should there have been? We skipped ahead 10 chapters instead of waiting for the good stuff in the middle.


I can’t guarantee that it will be like some fairy-tale if you do, but I can guarantee that it takes a little of the magic – a little of the anticipation, the beautiful nervousness and the mystery  – out of your wedding night if you don’t.

And this whole time I haven’t even mentioned pregnancy or the risk of STD’s…what a poor health teacher I would make! While that’s important stuff to think about, most of you know it already and I’m more concerned with the emotional ramifications of being an idiot than I am the medical ones. But, to prove that I’m health conscious – (you’ve heard it before) It only takes ONE time having sex to get pregnant. You don’t want to accept your diploma 9-months pregnant while looking like a pimple-faced whale wearing man clothes underneath your graduation gown and give birth 3 days later, do you? I should have thought about it before I did it. (Seriously, that is no joke. Really happened.)

Also, you don’t want to give your future husband a “gift” from your former boyfriend do you? You also don’t want to go messing with a guy that has been with Susy-Huge-Boobs from a couple paragraphs up, right? That would just be gross. “Hoe-bag” isn’t a quantifiable STD, but it should be classified as one solely as a scare tactic to get some of you to think before you act.

Tomorrow, I’m harassing the grown folks! Oh Goody!!


One thought on “Dear Females; Part 5

  1. Pingback: Dear Females; Part 6 « Bethylicious

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