I hope all of your weekends and Mother’s Days were fabulous! And yes…I’m still on the Dear Females kick. Even I’m looking forward to sharing something else! It just seems as though I had a lot to say to you people and I can say it because I’m one of you people, too. Where did we leave off in Part 7? Oh yeah, that’s right – the list – Or guide as I think would be more appropriate – for when to put out and when not to.
WHEN TO RESTRICT “HAPPY PLACE” ACCESS…OR NOT.
Red is for DO WITHHOLD & Green is for GO! 🙂
A.) Do: If he promised to take the trash out 3 weeks ago and still hasn’t.
Don’t: If he just doesn’t take it out immediately after you ask. Give the boy a chance!
*Note: When you’re withholding, don’t say “Your lazy arse ain’t gettin’ any ’til you get this trash taken out!” because he will automatically say “well, we’ll see about that” and you’ll be in this contest of who’s man-business is bigger where he’s refusing to do what you asked to prove a point and you’re refusing to give him sex to prove a point. In this scenario, the only point you’re both proving is how pig-headed and stubborn you are and the moment one of you gives in, you automatically feel like the “weak” one while simultaneously feeding the other’s need to feel superior. That is not good for your relationship! Stop acting like an imbecile.
And please don’t nag him about it. It’s just another way to start a “who’s boss” war in your home in which nobody wins. It’s far better if you say something like, “Baby, take out the trash and meet me in the bedroom in 15 minutes.” Then you will have yourself one motivated boy!!
B.) Do: If he does something you’ve told him a million times that you hate and that he has agreed not to do again, but still keeps doing religiously.
Don’t: If you’ve talked about whatever it is that you wish he’d stop doing, he’s agreed to stop, but is still doing it – after only two days. He needs time to adjust so if he’s trying, compliment him on that so he will keep trying and eventually, you’ll see the behavior you want.
*Note: I have an example of what I mean: If you hate being woken up in the morning for sex, you’ve expressed your displeasure with it & he’s agreed to try to stop doing that, but it seems like he makes no effort whatsoever. If you wake up every morning that week with him groping you after you’ve made it clear that it isn’t appreciated, don’t just roll over and give him what he wants to shut him up. That only encourages him to keep doing it!
If it’s only been a few days and you’ve noticed that he’s doing it less, but slips up one morning – give him the benefit of the doubt. You still may not give him sex in this case, but don’t hold out on him just to teach him a lesson if you’re actually feeling appreciative enough of his effort to…appease him. And let him know that you appreciate his effort to do what you asked and that you’d like it to continue so that he doesn’t think just because he tapered off for a few days it’s all better. If he knows that he can still have morning sex sometimes, he’s more likely to readily accept the fact that it’s not going to happen every single day & start trying harder to make you happy.
C.) Do: If you really want something to get done and you don’t think it will without a little extra motivation.
Don’t: If you know that something will get done faster if you ask him to do it while he’s in his “OMG I Love You So Much” post-coital glow phase.
No note for this one. It pretty much goes along with the same idea as the trash thing…I just wanted to point out the many things it can apply to.
D.) Do: If you’re sick or otherwise not in your best form.
Don’t: If you’re just aggravated or ill or “not feelin’ it” ect.. It just might help get you out of whatever funk you’re in if you approach it the right way.
I’m not saying to just suck it up and give him what he wants every single time no matter what mood you’re in, but I am saying to think about whether it’s worth it not to first. It goes back to putting your loved one first. If there’s no real reason other than you “don’t feel like it” then at least give it a shot & really try to put yourself into it instead of getting into this mindset that you don’t feel like it & acting like a dead fish. Sometimes it helps to get the two of you connected again and it’s scientifically proven that most women don’t feel the desire for sex until they are already engaged in it because we don’t get “turned on” the same way men do.
Now, before we stopped on Part 7, I was talking about what’s going in your relationships that makes them all end badly. While I don’t think it’s always your fault, I’m not to prone to believe it’s all the other person’s fault either so I asked you to try and take responsibility for your part and change your behavior accordingly. You can’t change someone else, but learning from your own mistakes can help make you a better, more successful person!! So let’s take a look at some other stuff that could be going wrong in your relationships. (Because if I drag this out to Part 10, I’ll be surprised if I have 2 followers left next week!)
Are you trying to be a mother instead of a partner and your guy got sick of you hounding him all the time? Big clue – he doesn’t want to climb in bed with his mama and if he does – RUN FOR THE EFFING HILLS!
Are you unreasonably jealous and can’t seem to trust him with any female, to include but not limited to, his own sister? That’s just crazy. If he hasn’t illicited any reason for you to distrust him, then stop harassing the guy. That’s a great way to ruin what could potentially be a great relationship. I’m not saying give your heart or your trust away freely because it certainly has to be earned, but don’t make him pay for the mistakes of the jerk you dated before him. Women have a big issue with that.
If you haven’t resolved the issues from your previous relationship, it’s a big ol’ red flag that is telling you that you aren’t ready to pursue another relationship just yet. Grow up and try to be happy with yourself and on your own before you start trying to integrate another person in your life whose needs have to be considered, too. You can’t be a good partner for someone if you’re still bitter over the last break-up. It’s not fair to you and it’s certainly not fair to the other person for you to come along all happy-go-lucky on the outside and then drop your baggage in their lap like some emotional nuclear bomb.
And now for the end! There will be no more “Parts” to Dear Females! I didn’t realize I was this close to done so I’ll just copy and paste the last little bit of my original post (leaving out the part about baking you cookies because I just can’t do that again) & be gone! Hopefully, I’ll have some new material to beguile you with tomorrow.
So – there are a lot of things for you ladies to work with now and I could go on, but since I feel this post (even when it’s separated!) is already dramatically long (like quadruple my normal length!), I’m going to end it here for now. Please feel free to supply some other ideas or questions in the comments section if you have something you want me to touch on. If I have an opinion about it, I’ll share. Please notice that I said “If I have an ‘opinion‘” about it and not “if I have any knowledge” about it. All the things I write are opinion based and I am by no means insinuating that my own relationship is perfect. We have our fights and my husband, God love him, gets on my nerves sometimes, but we really do have what I think is a great relationship. Not perfect, but wonderful nonetheless. One of the reasons it’s so wonderful is because it’s not perfect. The majority of the things I talk about are from personal experience and we’ve done a lot of the things I’ve talked about – the good stuff and the bad stuff – but it’s helped to make us a better, stronger couple so I’m hoping it might do the same for someone else. I hate hearing all the horrible statistics about teenagers & sex and adults & divorce. This is my way of saying something about it. I hope you enjoyed this overly-long monologue of mine!
If you got to the bottom, you totally deserve a cookie. And if I know you personally, I’ll even bake you some for real because this was some seriously long shitoke’ mushrooms.
And if you didn’t read all the way through….well…I can’t help it that you’re an under-acheiving quitter. Put that in your juice-box and suck it. <—Kinda sucks that the people I’m talking to here will never get far enough to read that. Poo. It’s such a great line…