Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I had my own advice column. I enjoy helping people or at least trying to, but every now and then people I don’t even know will tell me their life story and ask me what I think. Sometimes, it happens in the really long line at the grocery store or the bank. Sometimes at the pharmacy. Every now and then I get tweets from Vampire Diaries fans that know I write for the fansite wanting my insight on a particular problem. Why, you ask? I have no clue. Maybe people just need someone to talk to. If you find that explanation lacking…too bad. That’s all I got.
Now, if I know you – and that is to say if I am invested in our relationship and I actually care to cultivate it (I need to make this distinction because there are plenty of people that I know that I don’t give a rat’s flea-infested tail about) – I take more care not to say anything that might upset you, while still trying to remain as truthful & realistic as possible. My friends know this, which is why I think they trust me as much as they do (Bless them!).
If I don’t know you or you’re on the aforementioned ” I don’t give a rat’s flea-infested tail” list? Then you’ve just opened a can of worms depending on what you just told me or asked my opinion about because I’ll just spit it out without as much regard for feelings. It’s not that I don’t care about people. It’s just that there’s something really freeing about not being close enough to someone to feel like you have to be delicate with their feelings and letting things fly out like word vomit. Also…I’ve little patience for stupid people. The even funnier thing is that most of these people appreciate the blatant honesty.
Which brings me to what it would be like if I had my own advice column:
My boyfriend & I have been in a very serious relationship together for 3
years months weeks. He proposed and of course I said yes because he is just the cutest guy in school ever! But he’s still talking to his ex-girlfriend, Susy HugeBoobs. She stays at his house all the time & he says it’s because they have a chemistry project work thing they have to do together. I trust him completely; don’t get me wrong…but I don’t believe him. What should I do?
Desperate For Answers & Totally NOT a Teenager
Dear Desperate For Answers When You Should Be Desperate For a High School Diploma,
Thank you for your question. You seem like the type of person that needs step-by-step instructions so I’m here to oblige.
First: DUMP. HIM. Second: Find a place to get an I.Q because reruns of Spongebob Squarepants are obviously working against you.
I’m 18 & dating a man who is much older than me. We are on the same level emotionally & intellectually so I feel much more connected to him than men my own age. He makes me feel special & has shown me so many things. He’s very thoughtful & buys me lots of gifts. He knows that I want to marry him & he says he wants to marry me, but he refuses to leave his current wife. She’s sucking the life out of him & their marriage is already over, but he’s so afraid of her that he can’t confront her & officially end it. How do I convince him to leave her so that we can be together?
So In Love
Dear So In Love,
Your letter was very to the point & excellently written in clear handwriting, with the most correct grammar & punctuation I’ve seen in months. It’s startlingly clear to me why this man wants to be with you.
It’s because you are quite possibly the dumbest woman on Earth. He likes you because you have young perky breasts, are eager to experiment & have less brains than a maggot on a poop stain. You do what he wants when he wants & the only thing he has to do is whisper pretty words on occasion & buy you nice gifts. He can meet you where he wants on his terms & never has to take you out in public (or deal with you at home) & can disguise his caveman-like behavior with you under a mask of forbidden-fruit type fun & secrecy. He probably brings you generic-brand chocolates while he takes his wife a diamond bracelet, because after all, she’s the one getting stomped on by a man who promised to love her “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, all the days of her life”…he has every reason to be afraid of her. If I were an advocate of such violence (and clearly I’m not) I’d suggest that she string all those diamond bracelets together & strangle the man with them. As for you dear, pick up a book on morals & study, study, study! If all else fails, send all subsequent requests for advice signed with the name “Boobs For Brains.” That seems much more suitable for you.
My wife has been very difficult lately. I work so hard all day long to provide for her & our ten small children, yet when I come home from work, there are toys all over the floor & I have to walk around the laundry baskets to get to my favorite chair. I even had to move one the other day so that I could see the TV!! All I ask is that she bring me something cold to drink & hot to eat when I come in (& of course have the house clean, the laundry put away & the kids under control) but she is constantly mad at me for something. I don’t know what I ever did to her. She told me she wanted a “break” (as if her job isn’t enough of one!) so I kept 4 of the children so she could go to the grocery store in peace. That didn’t work. I even allow her one hour to herself after I get off work every single week. She just has to take the kids to my mother’s, pick up the dry-cleaning & pay the bills while she’s out, but other than that, she’s free to do what she wants for that hour. Nothing I do is good enough. She hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks, which I normally wouldn’t complain about, but she won’t even go to bed with me now. How can I survive!?
Trade jobs with your wife for one week. And then? Shut the hell up.
I need help with my daughter! I’ve read every parenting book imaginable & done everything they said. I’ve spent every moment of my life responding to her every whim, yet she still treats me atrociously. She cries & screams at me all day long until she gets what she wants & sometimes she even punches my legs when I’m in the middle of a conversation. I’ve tried time-outs & taking her toys away, but she just holds her breath until I give them back. I’m scared she’s going to hold her breath until she hurts herself. I’d never spank her because all the books I’ve read say that’s abuse, but I don’t know what else to do. I give her lots of attention & tell her how special she is all the time like the books say, but she’s never satisfied. Help!
At Wits End
Dear At Wits End,
Burn every single book you own written by a so-called “parenting expert.” They’re crap & most of those imbeciles don’t even have children. If your daughter wants to hold her breath until her face turns blue and she passes out? Let her. Bet she won’t do it again. She knows she owns you so stop catering to her. You both need to remember that you are the mother and she is the child. And spanking? Not the answer for everything & certainly not to be taken to extremes, but personally, I’d say a good spanking is exactly what the little brat needs.
For more advice column fun tune in…whenever I decide to do another one! 🙂