For Really-Reals!

I think I like too many things.

Actually, I’m sure I like too many things. But more precisely, I think I can do too many things that I like.

In my head, I can work a full time job, run a (now) part-time business, raise three minions, get aforementioned minions to football practice, cheerleading practice, cub scouts & girl scouts all by myself on the same night, keep a 2800+ square foot house clean, care for 2 dogs, keep all my promises, help with homework, read bedtime stories, spend quality time with the hubby, write, take pictures, edit, blog, design, sing, publish a book, bathe & sleep. In reality? I think I successfully perform about two of those tasks each day and it’s like picking out of a hat which one I get to do that day. Today is a work & bathe kind of day and we can all give up any discernible hope of a Bethylicious book ever being published.

I think I like the super-mom fantasy land that I’ve created in my head much better.

In Mommylicious Land I wear a cape that somehow doesn’t make me look freakishly dorky, I have blue and purple hair, electric green eyes, I carry an iPad & Siri tells me everything I need to know about…well, everything. Hell, she even cooks and cleans for me. Two items scratched off my To-Do list already and all I had to do was fork out large sums of cash for electronics that will be upgraded to something decidedly more superior in six months! Score for me! And the best part? In Mommylicious Land, I have taken over The Bill Gates Tower of Bill Gates & have become infinitely more wealthy than Bill Gates could ever dream to be! (Also, Bill Gates refers to himself in the third person in my head. It’s something I’ve been obsessed with lately. Weird, right?) This ludicrous stack of money I’m sitting on allows me to spend all of my time doing nothing except exactly what I want! I can spend all the time in the world with my kids, send them to private school or have the private school come to them if I want! I can fly (yes, I can really fly in Mommylicious Land) around the house wearing nothing except my cape & combat boots because I look like a supermodel & combat boots are in style. Oh and since I’m in my own head here, let’s just go ahead and retract that statement about how I spend a lot on electronics because now that I’m living in The Bill Gates Tower of Bill Gates, I own all the electronics. I’m also married to Ian Somerhalder, neither of us will ever get old &  we live in a house shaped like a mushroom and all the mushroom dots are windows.

I desperately need to find a way to pack my bags and move inside my own head. There are no dishes in my head. There are, however, dishes in my real sink in my real house that we’re paying a real mortgage on that my real husband and I have to work real full-time jobs to afford and where we do not own any Siri’s. I guess it’s okay though. All Siri does is talk anyway and if I’m reduced (as the commercials depict) to making conversation with a piece of metallic glass, that might be an indicator that I should climb out of The Bill Gates Tower of Bill Gates inside Mommylicious Land and actually make some real friends. (Also, the fact that Bill Gates made it into my fantasy land is more than slightly alarming.)

Besides, my fantasy minions are way less interesting than my real minions & an actor for a husband is only appealing in theory; who wants to kiss someone that spends his entire day trading spit with numerous other women?

Maybe the real thing is better. Allow me to regale you with examples & feel free to add your own!

 vs. 

 vs. 

 vs. 

 vs. 

 

 vs. 

vs. 

Real Breasticles Vs. Fake Breasticles – I couldn’t leave this one out, but because I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I type in the words “real breasts vs. fake breasts” there aren’t any visuals for this example, thankyouverymuch.

And with that mental image, I’ll say good night! Or good morning. Whichever.

 

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