And That’s Why I’m Scared Of Candy.

Show of hands: who has seen the very first Harry Potter movie &/or read the book?

Okay, Every-Single-Person-in-the-Universe-Above-the-Age-of-Ten, you can put your hands down now. You remember that scene where Ron & Harry first meet and they’re eating the candy together on the train? I can see it all flowing back to you.

Now, think of the Jelly Beans. No…not just mere Jelly Beans…Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, which are – evidently – much more superior to our simple, muggle Jelly Beans.

Now, think hard…do you remember what flavors Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans posses? Well, duhEvery Flavor. You’re right, but that includes even the disgusting flavors, yes? Fred or George (can’t remember which) according to Ron, swears they had a bogie flavored one once and Dumbledore had an earwax flavored one near the end. Here’s a little side-note before I get to my point:

How did George (or Fred) & Dumbledore know what boogers and earwax taste like? I’ll let you ponder that while I get back on track.

What do mythical, magical beans have to do with anything?

A lot considering I think I recently had a vomit flavored one disguised as a Creme Savor.

It looks innocent enough. It looks like creamy, sugary goodness, but it’s not. It’s NOT I tell you!!

Here’s the story –

I suspect that wizards have infiltrated our lives so heavily that they are now openly playing pranks on muggles.

My five year old daughter, The Cuteness, was awarded these seemingly innocuous little treats during a trip to the dentist doctor which took place on none other than picture day at school. So, of course, she was wearing one of her favorite pink dresses and had asked to have her hair put up in pig tails, which we then curled into perfect little ringlets. She is called The Cuteness after all.

So, everywhere we go in the doctor’s office, there seems to be someone there willing to spout out just how cute/gorgeous/pretty/beautiful/precious, etc. The Cuteness is. She eats it up, of course & honestly, so do I because what mother doesn’t want to be bombarded with acknowledgments that she and her honey made pretty babies?

At one point during the visit, a nursereceptionistassistant evil-prank playing witch Random Lady walked passed our exam room and took about three small steps backwards just to have a double take at The Cuteness. People cannot resist pink dresses and pig tails, I tell you!

The Random Lady proceeds to gush over The Cuteness and then leaves and The Cuteness and I go on about our waiting and think nothing of it. Then, The Random Lady comes back and in her hands she carries a gigantic bag of Creme Savers candies. (Which I suspect were hexed or else contained Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Nasties in them.)

The Cuteness’ eyes get as big as saucers and her tiny, 5 year old hands are itching to reach in and grab a handful. And grab a handful she does before The Random Lady says “get ya two handfuls!” Deceptively nice Random Lady, amiright? She’s got to be evil.

So The Cuteness smiles excitedly and dips her other hand in.

The Random Lady: Get ya two more handfuls!

The Cuteness: *not wasting a moment, dumps both hands in & pulls out two more kindergarten-size fistfuls of Creme Savers and says in her cute little voice….* Thank you!

She may rot her teeth out, but at least she has manners…

The Random Lady disappears once more and comes back with a bag for The Cuteness to put her spoils in, but that’s not all. OF COURSE NOT. I can only assume it’s customary in whatever land The Random Witch Lady comes from to help all the children rot their baby teeth out. In her hands, she is now holding 4 boxes of Hot Tamales.

And she gives them ALL to my daughter.

Thankfully, this is where The Random Lady (who was very sweet,*haha, pun!*) left us. And I mean to say that she left ME. She left me to deal with the little sugar monster that my sweet, adorable baby was going to morph into after being given all these Cavaties-In-A-Bag.

Luckily, my kid likes to share (most of the time) so she was very willing to offer me as many as I wanted & I thought sharing them with her brother and sister, too, might make the Sugar Monster a little less intense. I can’t say the same for the Cavity Monster, but that’s what they make dental floss for.

(Note to self: go buy more dental floss!)

The Cuteness hands me the raspberry flavored candy and tells me to try it. I know why she picked that one. I would have picked the orange one given a choice because I like that creme-sicle flavor, but if The Cuteness wants me to try the purple one, her favorite color, then try the purple one I shall. I’m always yelling at my kids about trying new foods and even though I’m pretty sure candy doesn’t count in that argument, The Cuteness does not agree so I need to set an example, right? Plus, it’s candy. Other than the fact that it coats your mouth in a sugary decay & was given to us by a Random Stranger Lady who I suspect is really a witch, it’s harmless.

When I put that piece of candy in my mouth, something just wasn’t right about it. I knew from the moment it touched my tongue…I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Until about 5 seconds after swishing it around on my taste-buds and then it was disgustingly clear what the problem was. This was not an ordinary raspberry creme saver. It was the vomit-flavored spawn of what used to be a raspberry creme saver and was now a concoction more appropriate for wizard beans.

And I don’t mean the after taste was like vomit…I very literally mean that the TASTE was VOMIT. Not like vomit, but just vomit, period. It had that acidic, acrid taste down to a science.

I try to put my wizard-prank theories aside and think rationally. Surely, these are expired Creme Savers. But what would a nurse be doing handing out expired creme savers to a child? Oh screw rationality! I’m not even sure she was a nurse. I don’t even know that she worked in the building. She could have been a figment of my imagination or she could have been a semi-villian whose mission in life is to torture children by giving them candy that they can’t eat! Or, the most likely scenario – she’s a witch playing a prank on muggle children because she can’t get away with fooling wizard children without ending up with a face full of boils.

Rational thinking interjects itself into my brain once again as I realize The Cuteness was eating it. And she was eating it with a smile so surely, they must taste good? I just got a bad one out of the batch and what I needed was to get another one to clear the horrible taste out of my mouth. So, I get The Cuteness to hand me a strawberry one because I know I like those. I know what they taste like and it’s a safe option for de-vomititizing my mouth.

Dear Baby Jesus…

The strawberry one tastes like regurgitation, too! It’s too much for me to handle having this horrid taste lingering in my mouth while watching The Cuteness scarf down these candies like they’re heaven in a little foil wrapper.

Why does she like them?! I can’t wrap my mind around it! Surely, if the strawberry one tastes just as vomity as the raspberry one, they all taste vomity. But I’m scared to try another to test the theory so I just ask the five year old.

“Do these taste funny to you?”

“No, Mommy. They taste good!”

Of course, she would say that. You could cover a cat turd in Nutella and a five year old would eat it with enthusiasm. Probably not the wisest choice to take her word for it.

So, I rinse my mouth out with an entire bottle case of water, confiscate the candies for further investigations which I’m too terrified to administer and then head to the school to pick up my other two children.

And then I see it: LIGHTBULB!

When Princess Sassypants & Mr. Thoughtful enter the car, I, without much shame, offer them a tiny piece of vomit-in-a-pouch. If they like it, then surely my tastebuds are all out of whack OR God is playing a not-so-funny (or incredibly funny, depending on how you look at it) joke on me.

OR, says the tiny little voice in my head, The Random Lady is a witch & you are her unfortunate muggle target.

But, no, that’s silly and I can’t think like that. Back to logical thinking and using Princess Sassypants and Mr. Thoughtful as test subjects.

They love them! Both Mr. Thoughtful & Princess Sassypants think these are the most delicious, cavity-causing things to ever touch their lips since…ever!

I’m still flummoxed.

So now, I’m on a mission. When I get paid again, I’ve got to go buy a FRESH bag of Creme Savers just to test them out again. I’m afraid of this mission now. Two vomity candies is quite enough, but….

Third times a charm, right?

Unless the lady at the checkout counter is a witch….

6 thoughts on “And That’s Why I’m Scared Of Candy.

    • I used to like them, but maybe my taste-buds have changed? I’m still fragile from the whole “I just ate vomit” experience so I don’t think this plan of getting more Creme Savers is going to come to fruition, but we’ll see. I’ll end up telling my kids some line like “conquer your fears!” or “you never know until you try” and then I’ll feel guilty for not setting an example so I’ll have to do it. :/

  1. I don’t care for them. I’ve worked around kids long enough to know that some of the things they think are tasty can be downright disgusting to my grown-up tastebuds. And have you ever tried the Every Flavor Beans? The yuckiest ones I had were dirt and fish flavored.

    • Are you kidding me or are Every Flavor Beans a real thing? Or rather, what I mean to ask is do they really have disgusting flavors like dirt and fish? Lol

      • Yes, they exist. And they most certainly have some gross flavors. Some I’ve had to spit out. Don’t even want to think about how they get the flavor into those beans.

      • I don’t want to think about the poor person that has to do the taste test to see if it’s an accurate taste or how they determine what ingredients to put in it so that it mimics the taste of disgusting things like dirt, etc….Lol. I hope they pay him or her A LOT! Lol

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