Dear Ignoramus Man,
You’ll know if you’re an Ignoramus Man if you read that headline and suddenly think “this is BS. I’m not reading this girl-power crap” (or something of that nature.) A Real Man would not let a general statement define him personally and would probably want to read this just to see what’s got girls pissed off now. He might even chuckle at the word choice. Or maybe he knows the title is entirely true. Women are a force to be reckoned with; we can kill you. Maybe not physically, but we can suck the soul from your body or we can breath new life into everything you do. The Real Man knows that, but the Ignoramus Man? You think it’s ridiculous that a woman could have any effect over you short of making you horny or angry. And you’re certain that she’s not strong enough in any capacity to beat you. You’re pretty much just a modern day caveman.
You’re the guy who is threatened by a strong woman. You don’t like women that stand up to you, make more money than you, are smarter than you or that do anything better than you. You like to make fun of women that “act like girls” (or men that are more evolved than yourself) simply because girls are weaker in your puny little mind; inferior to you, the Ignoramus Man. A Real Man doesn’t have to make anyone – male or female – feel less valuable than himself. He is secure enough in his worth that he can value the worth of others just as well. But not you…you have to make everyone else feel irrelevant because that’s the only way you can feel good about yourself; feel like you’re on top, feel like a man.
You’re the man whose word goes in your household and if you meet any opposition, you throw an award-winning tantrum. Two-year olds could certainly learn a thing or two in that department from you. You will also swear, when confronted with this, that you are not “threatened” by strong, smart &/or successful women; you just ________________________ (fill in the blank: don’t think they’re equal to men, should be in positions of power, belong outside the home, don’t like feminists, etc. and so forth, yada, yada, yada….) These are Ignoramus Man Rationalizations and unfortunately, not even clubbing you over the head will cure you of this stupidity.
However, there is hope.
I’ve replaced your
daily vitamins (oops) steroids (oops again) “daily vitamins” with estrogen pills & it will not be long before you begin losing your hair & muscle mass, feeling emotional and wanting to cuddle absolutely everything. Have fun being a woman trapped in an Ignoramus Man’s body and pray your significant other has mercy on you after all you’ve put her through (and after all she has allowed you to put her through). She’s obviously a push-over anyway, but once she realizes the beautiful gift that has been given to her, (and gets angry about all your previous cave man behaviors) she’ll whip out the camera and start making memories!
And when you start developing feelings for her best guy friend, she won’t argue or make fun of you. She’ll hook you up with a date and the chances are good that she will even help you with your wardrobe and do your hair and makeup. She will have to get pictures of your first date before you go and when your man-friend returns you home safe and sound, she’ll be peeking out the window (through a telephoto lens) waiting, like an anxious mother (with a particular blackmailing agenda), to see your first kiss.
And then, when the time is right, she’ll put those “daily vitamins” back in their rightful place and you can begin your normal routine of taking supplements to enhance your “manliness.” After a while, your breasts will shrink, your muscles will regain their near body-building (and entirely puke-inducing) appearance, your hair will begin to resurface all over your body and you will once again be able to lift your caveman club without emanating a girlish grunt.
You will find yourself treating your loved ones with more respect and care. Mostly because you don’t want your significant other to post those pictures of you kissing another man while wearing a mini-dress and press on nails to facebook, but your motives don’t matter nearly as much as your actions. She will appreciate not being called your “Ol’ Lady,” “Ball-N-Chain,” “the little woman,” or any other name you bestowed upon her specifically for the purpose of making her feel insignificant.
And should you ever, ever use that “because I’m the man of the house and what I say goes!” line again, I can guarantee you “the little woman” will not be afraid to remind you what color palette in her makeup bag best accentuates your eyes and about how slutty you looked in her little black dress or how she catches you staring at it with longing on a regular basis.
Be afraid, Ignoramus Man, be very afraid.
Tread carefully around those you think less significant than yourself…because you’re not at all important without them.