And the ‘Slacker of The Year’ award goes to…
*Totally Silent & Therefore Unnecessary Drum Roll Please*
Yeah…me. I won! I won! Except I didn’t because I probably lost about 300 readers. But you know, it’s all good. I’ll tempt them back in with my irresistible weirdness.
Rather than recap you on why I’ve been absent (because it’s really not worth recapping – hello, I have a life! See the beautiful faces on the banner above…) I’ll just jump right back in here with randomness. This morning I had a swiss roll for breakfast. Actually, I had an apple for breakfast and a swiss roll for 2nd breakfast.
I fear that a horrible, predictable thing is happening to me. See, I want to lose a little weight. There’s only a billion other women on the planet who aspire to that same goal. But there’s this crazy phenomena that happens as soon as a woman says these words out loud. The universe swoops down on her and begs her to consume every sugar-packed, cream-filled, fatty substance available on Earth. It’s a proven fact and I’ll even list my fact-gathering references.
Reference #1: I said I wanted to lose a little weight and the universe suddenly swooped down on me and begged me to consume every sugar-packed, cream-filled, fatty substance available on Earth. And I probably eat more horribly now than I did before I uttered those terrible words. See how cohesive this slacker theme is becoming now?
Reference #2: See reference #1. This should be all the proof you need.
So how can we conquer this evil plan the universe has put into motion? I have a theory. It involves saying aloud that you want to GAIN weight. Take THAT, Universe! Reverse Psychology!
Unfortunately, I already tried that and the universe was totally on to me. She’s such a beeeeeeeeeeep.
What I need is a buddy. Someone to message me in the morning and tell me they’ll chop my hand off and feed it to the gators if I even think about touching a swiss roll at 9 a.m. Someone to relentlessly badger me into working out and drag me along on walks if they have to. Basically, I need a health and fitness babysitter. A health and fitness babysitter that works for free. Know anyone like that? I certainly don’t. Good thing I’m training my dog to be a great walking companion. Maybe I can get a moderate amount of exercise despite the fact that he has to stop every 2 minutes to hike his leg. And if I’m
very unlucky, maybe he’ll leave a present in the grass along the way that will help heighten my determination to run the hell away. 🙂
Yeah, so this is where we are. I’m now counting on my dogs bowel movements to prompt me to exercise and the vacant threat of crocodile water to deter me from eating a swiss roll.
Anyone else ready to join the “Doomed To Fail” club??