Barber or Garbage Man; Aim High, Son, Aim High

Kids have an impeccable ability for disobeying their parents. Especially if those parents have given a certain “do not do that – ever” speech about a bajillion times. Then it’s pretty much guaranteed that your kid is going to do it. And probably more than once if the punishment doesn’t make enough of an impact the first time. 

That’s what our household is dealing with today.

See, Minion #1 has a dream. I think it is to be a barber. In first grade, he told me he wanted to drive a garbage truck (that’s a blog for another day), but now he’s exhibiting signs of barber…ism? His dreams are so big, right? We’ll have to work on that. 

Anyway….

Minion #1 cut Minion #2 & Minion #3’s hair last night before they went to bed. I didn’t see the damage until this morning, otherwise the minions would have slept better because I’d have beaten them unconscious. Okay, not really…would never do that, but as frustrated as I was today, I do have to say, the thought crossed my mind. It was then completely disregarded because – aside from the fact that abuse is wrong and despicable in and of itself –  I didn’t want to hear all their blubbering after the fact. Great parenting, right?

It’s just that we’ve had this issue a bunch of times. Everyone’s kid chops their hair off (or lets someone else do it) at least once in their lives between the ages of 1 and 8, but 5 times? In 5 years? Really? Yeah, it’s happened to us a lot.

The first time wasn’t so bad because I expected it to happen at some point. I gave them the “don’t touch scissors without permission” speech and took the minion in question to have her first haircut. Well…her first PROFESSIONAL haircut.

The second time, I was a little more aggravated because – duh – haven’t we had this talk already? So I popped the kids’ behinds and went to the salon.

Third time. Now I’ve really had enough. Speech, lecture – whatever you want to call it. Spanking. Bed for the whole day and baby girl went to preschool with that jacked up hair. The issue was that it was preschool and nobody except the teachers cared. In their eyes, I was a horrible parent for not getting my child’s hair fixed after one of my other ‘devil-spawn’s’ lobbed it all off. They didn’t know this was the 3rd time we’d been to “Hey Mommy, I’m a Barber!” Land. I didn’t tell them because they acted like B-words and who wants to explain or justify anything to a B-word?

4th time. It’s all so hazy now. I don’t even remember which kid did the cutting and which kid got cut this time. At this point, it’s become a normal recurrence in our house so I can’t remember if I was pissed or resigned. I do remember we went to a friend who did hair and got her to fix it. Those preschool B-words got the best of me.

Now, once again we’re at the intersection of “Mommy, I’m a Barber!” and “Oh No You Di’ent” and the damage is worse than it’s ever been. All three minions have been sentenced to their bedrooms for the day, the belt was broken out and used and I’m *thisclose* to shaving all their hair off with the clippers.

Minion #1 has a mohawk that he adores. Tonight, we bury the mohawk.

But I don’t think that’s enough to teach him a sufficient lesson. You see, we had this other rule about the scissors (even though we’ve gone over it a bajillion times) so that’s one rule not just broken, but totally disregarded. He’s been disregarding a lot of rules lately and it all seems like little stuff until it adds up and makes mama mad…

AND then he lied. And has been lying all day even though I found the hair in his room and both girls, when separated and asked the same questions, gave the same answers as to who did it.

Minion #1, with the scissors, in his bedroom. (Colonel Mustard, in the conservatory, with the candlestick.)

They both told me where he hid the hair and that they didn’t know what he did with the scissors. When Minion #1 was confronted, he didn’t tell me there were no scissors in his room. He said, “if they are, I don’t know how they got in here!” Clue #1.

Every time I asked him a question, he’d start off looking at me, but then glance down with his eyes when he answered. Clue #2. 

Not to mention the evidence in his room and that both girls gave me the same answers without hesitation when interrogated separately. But I didn’t put too much stock in that because I have some little smarty-pants for kids and they know how to conspire together to get other people in trouble. It was Minion #1’s reaction that really sold me on his guilt. It’s not even the haircutting that I’m the most upset about because I’m sure my other two minions were all for it even though I’ve had the “no one cuts your hair except trained professionals” talk with them as many times as I’ve had the scissors and lying talk with my son. It’s the lying and the blatant disregard for my rules that upsets me the most. Every parent in the history of ever has said that, haven’t they?

So now I’m trying to decide what exactly I need to do. I have two options with the girls. Shave ’em bald and send ’em off to school to be laughed at, called names and undoubtedly receive notes from the teacher asking what in the hell kind of parent am I?!

OR

I could just let them go to school with their jacked up hair and see if it works this time since they’re older and the damage is more noticeable than last time. Then, when it grows out again, I can make Minion #1 pay for both their haircuts with his allowance.

Unless you’ve got any other suggestions? Because I’m not going through this again. My girls barely have any hair and every time it starts to get really nice-looking, someone chops it off. They WILL have hair, I tell you! They will!! 

So those are today’s adventures of Bethylicious & Minions. I’ll keep you updated on Minion #1’s occupational status. So far, based on the amount of useless trash in his room, he’s tied 5-5 for Garbage Man/Barber. I’m anxious to see if his imagination can manage to blend the two together. At this rate….probably.

I’ll close after this special message from our sponsors…

*roll tape*

And remember, only YOU can prevent bad haircuts.

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One thought on “Barber or Garbage Man; Aim High, Son, Aim High

  1. Pingback: The Adventures of Mr. Fatty, The Saint Bernard « Bethylicious

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