Welcome to the conclusion of my series on insecurity in relationships. I don’t know when I got to be the go-to person in this area, but let’s just go with it, m’kay? Honestly, I’m no expert (at anything & especially not this); I just like to share my opinions. I was supposed to share my opinion on the Wishy-Washy, Fickle People on Friday, but it was a crazy busy day for me and I didn’t get a chance to write. Saturday & Sunday were equally fun (but hectic) & what can I say…I took a weekend off.
So let’s just jump in there.
On day one we talked about The Fairytale People.
Day two: The Notebook People. I finally watched that movie Thursday night, by the way, & I liked it a lot. I now understand why it was called “The Notebook” & it has inspired me to write another post to be published in the future.
And today, here we are at our third group of people: The Wishy Washy, Fickle People. (I wish I would have just called them “The Jackasses,” but there’s plenty of time for that.)
Because…well…you’re all jackasses.
Don’t worry. We are all a part of this group at some point or another and lots of us quickly outgrow it. This post is really for those who need a little push out of this category and up into the next one. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be particularly nice to you though, because the potential to be brutally & hilariously honest is just too great to ignore. If I hurt your feelings that only means this post applies to you & I will regret nothing.
Also two other things: A.) I would just like to point out that the people I’m aiming at here are mostly married people, but anyone in a committed, long-term relationship could apply this to themselves as well. B.) If you’re in a relationship with someone you just absolutely cannot trust because they’re betraying you every time you turn around, then you’re not a jackass for feeling a little (or a lot of) insecurity; you are, however, a jackass for staying with them & continuing to subject yourself to that. Not very much of this post is going to help anyone in that situation. If you’re in a “normal relationship” where the mistrust and insecurity are somewhat (or totally) misguided, then this post is entirely for you.
Lean in a little closer Fickle People & listen to the sermon.
You are idjits.
If you’re that guy or girl who is consistently checking your partner’s phone to see what they’re up to, who they’ve been talking with, where they’ve been going, etc. then please do your relationship a favor and pull your head out of your ass. By suffocating your partner due to your own insecurities you are only driving them away! Read those words and let them sink in:
YOU ARE ONLY DRIVING THEM AWAY.
He or she may put up with that foolishness now because they love you, they’re devoted to you – whatever – but eventually, it’s going to get old. They’re going to get sick of it and you’re going to lose them. The only other alternative is that you’re both going to live your lives together being only a fraction as happy as you could be. Isn’t your relationship worth more than that to you? I mean…you are potentially going to be in it for the rest of your life. People don’t get into committed relationships because they dream of a life filled with uninspired, lackluster interactions with emotionally bankrupt people who can barely manage the effort it takes to extend a modicum of trust in their direction. Neither do they dream of being broken up/separated/divorced.
If that sounds like a worthwhile life goal to you then by all means, don’t let me stop you. But seriously – let me stop you. That’s stupid. People shouldn’t have to live that way! When you don’t deal with your own issues – be they insecurity, addiction or anything else – it affects the people in your life that you love the most. If you’re sitting around thinking that your words and actions have no affect on anyone other than yourself then you’re an even bigger schmuck than previously given credit for. Just because you may not care that your partnerships aren’t living up to their full potential doesn’t mean your partner feels the same way. Someone who has devoted the rest of their lives to you, their time, their energy, their bodies, deserves more than the scraps you’re offering them.
You get married because you want this:
If a life of happiness is your goal and your partner feels the same way then you’ve got a common interest you can work with. Stop checking his phone all the time, stop calling her every 30 minutes to find out where she is and why she isn’t home yet, stop belittling each other & most importantly, “Quitcher Bitchin'”. It’s not funny or cute to point out all of your honey’s shortcomings. No, not even when you disguise it as a joke.
It’s not easy to reject the impulse to verbalize all those negative thoughts in your head, but if you don’t try, eventually you’ll be the one getting rejected. Why not give your relationship a chance to make it instead of sabotaging it? Maybe you could start simple. Here are just a few simple ideas:
1.) Give him/her space & privacy. Yes, that includes Facebook, cell phones & going out with friends. If you feel a little uneasy at first, you can show trust in someone simply by refraining from verbalizing your doubts.
2.) It would make an even bigger statement if you stop checking their phone and constantly trying to see what they’re up to on Facebook or whatever other blockheaded thing it is you do. You don’t need to know what happens at every millisecond of your partner’s life. That’s called being freakishly insecure, needy, neurotic and boneheaded and will do nothing but suck all the mystery (not to mention any potential conversational topics) out of your relationship.
3.) Make home a place where your loved ones want to be. You need to be a safe place for your partner. In other words, if she shares her thoughts and feelings with you, shut up and listen. That’s all you need to do. She’s smart enough to figure out the solution on her own so ears open, mouth shut unless she asks for you to speak. 🙂 Don’t insult each other, don’t yell at each other, don’t nag each other. There is a big difference in challenging your partner to be a better person/dream bigger/think more logically and just tearing them down & making them feel insignificant. On another related note, you have those situations where all one person in the relationship does is work and come home because they don’t want their other half to feel neglected or upset if they go out. Basically, he/she comes home just so they don’t have to hear you whine and moan about nothing. If he/she wants to go out with friends or family, let ’em go without making them feel guilty about it. Encourage them to have fun, but let them know you’ll miss them. If you can do this just a few times, I bet it won’t be long before he/she actually wants to stay at home with you instead of going out anyway.
Start off with those few simple things and then progress to the more difficult stuff as you go along. Unless you just really don’t want to spend the rest of your life with this person; in that case, go ahead. Question each other, call each other names, make each other miserable, tear yourselves apart. I won’t try to stop you again.
After all, I’m not the jackass whisperer.