If You Want To Change The World…

Dear Kids,

You are growing up in a crazy world. Sometimes it’s crazy beautiful and sometimes it’s just plain crazy. The difference is really all in your perspective. You will grow up hearing words  & phrases like “feminism,” “women’s rights,” “human rights,” “climate change,” “back the blue,” “black lives matter,” “all lives matter,” & proclamations of “let’s make America great again!” These things will mean something different to each person who says them. I won’t dive into all of that today, but there are a few things I want you to know about a few of these words which will permeate this part of your life & profoundly affect the way you experience & perceive the world around you.

ct-womens-march-national-pg-20170121Recently, there have been a series of marches and protests happening around the country, all for one cause or another, some peaceful and some not. You may have heard about it. Your kids – should you choose to have them –  may learn about it in school one day; this is your history in the making. For the rest of this post I’m just going to assume you’ll one day have a family of your own. If you decide not to, that’s okay, but to drive home my point, I’m totally going to use my future grandchildren. 😉 (If the word “children” doesn’t apply to you, maybe substitute nieces and nephews? I know how literal you 3 can be. *sigh*)

One day you will be faced with the responsibility that every generation before you has faced; the responsibility to enact positive change for the next generation. It might sound irrelevant to you when you consider how fortunate you already are and how much you already have. It might sound like a pretty big deal. It may sound almost unachievable for one person. So, how do you do it?

Do you make signs and march? Protest? Riot, rally in anger, preach in righteousness, fight…? Maybe you’ll feel like your voice is best heard in a group because how can just one person – or even two people – make a positive impact on any part of the world?

images-3I just want you to know you can & I’m going to tell you how. I don’t personally believe that real, effective change is brought about in crowds yelling, inciting anger, violence, fear, & hate. Or yet in silent, peaceful crowds carrying signs about love. It makes a statement, sure…but what kind of statement? Some people are just really good at making speeches or signs and can make you buy what they’re selling regardless of your own convictions. If you don’t do anything else I ever tell you, at least do this: know that you are only responsible for yourself. Learn what you can from history & verify it for yourself rather than taking other people at their word just because they can make it sound good. Evaluate the words and actions of others for yourself. Study. Watch. Listen. Get your own facts, your own references. Just as you take responsibility for yourself, let the ones around you take responsibility for themselves. Do not ever let another person dictate your beliefs for you. Make choices you can be proud of.

You can’t make anyone do anything. You cannot make 100% of the people happy 100% of the time so you need to be able to live with the choices you make. You probably won’t cause huge cooperations or groups of people to change their beliefs, or their approach no matter how many people you rally, especially if their main concern is the money they’re making. This is because real change is a personal responsibility rather than a global one. It starts small & ripples out slowly over time, affecting one person at a time beginning with yourself.

Change starts with you. It has a ripple effect in regard to what you teach your children; if you want to change the world, start with your world.


Feminism is simply a belief in equality, yet our society has bastardized it and given it some incredibly negative connotations. What are women really saying when they walk around with their shirts off yelling about being ‘nasty women?’ How does this help? Are they really ‘taking back the power?’ Really think about that. What does that even mean? How does excluding certain women send the message ‘we are all equal.’ That, in my opinion, certainly doesn’t communicate anything reminiscent of equality. It is a contradiction to everything they claim to stand for. Your time would be better spent at home teaching your children the value of kindness, chivalry, self-respect; teaching them to set standards & boundaries for themselves so that they can make positive choices in their own lives, thus eventually rippling into the hearts and minds of others.

“Black Lives Matter.” Of course they do. “All Lives Matter.” Unequivocally. I find it abhorrent that after everything we’ve been through in this country, after everything generations before us have fought for, we still live in a time where this distinction is necessary. How can you change this? Not by blaming or segregating, but by teaching your children to choose their friends based on the content of their character and nothing else.

Climate Change. I believe it’s a thing; some do not. Your beliefs regarding its validity make little to no difference when you consider that there are things we could be doing to help preserve and protect our environment whether you believe in the effects of climate change or not. If we all recycled, used less energy or more solar energy, turned the water off while brushing our teeth, unplugged appliances we aren’t actively using, turned off the lights and the TV when we left the house (your dog doesn’t care about The View, I promise), put our trash in the trash can or a recycling bin instead of tossing it on the ground, etc. not only would you see a decrease in your bills, but you’d be helping to ensure the future of our planet. These small choices we make daily have the biggest impact. Teach your children to respect and care for their environment and your beliefs about climate change become irrelevant; you’re doing your part for the world you want your kids to inherit & you’re teaching them to do theirs. That’s all there is.

So, let me say it again:

Change starts with you. It has a ripple effect in regard to what you teach your children; if you want to change the world, start with your world.

16194956_1240064922755969_8824124583631119672_nNo amount of sign-holding, marching, yelling, fear-mongering or hate-speech will ever effect the kind of positive change people talk about wanting to see in the world. Nor do I  personally believe that tolerating and accepting everything & everyone is the appropriate response. I don’t tolerate racism, rapists, abusers or manipulators. I don’t tolerate people who would treat me as less than simply because of the color of my skin or my gender. I don’t tolerate people who mistreat my family and friends. Does that mean I’m going to go blow up a prison, get a group together to beat up someone I don’t like, or put on a mask and become a vigilante? Of course not (I’m not nearly as good a shot as the Green Arrow anyway). I won’t be burning down buildings because I don’t believe in the politics or ethics of that business or group of people; I’ll simply stop buying their product. I’ll never walk around topless yelling about my lack of rights and if I wanted to do that, I wouldn’t do it in America where I HAVE RIGHTS (but that’s a different post). You’ll never find me disrupting traffic & stopping people from going to work just because I’m angry & want the people around me to feel angry, too.

you-teach-people-how-to-treat-you-quoteWhat I will do is make choices to ensure these types of people are as far removed from myself and my family as is within my power, & I will do my best to teach you – my children – what it means to be people of character & integrity.  I will teach you to walk away from people & situations which make you feel inferior. I will teach you to choose your friends wisely, to sit with the lonely kids at lunch, to offer help to those in need, to get outside your comfort zone & not to place ridiculous standards or restrictions on yourself. I will teach you about humility. I will teach you about respect, both for yourself and others. I will teach you to apologize when you should & how to recognize when there is nothing to apologize for. I will teach you to work hard, to earn rather than expect. I will teach you to lead by example, & even, sometimes, to follow. I will teach you to share, to give freely, to speak kindly, & love fiercely.

You are not sheeple & you do not have to flow with the status quo; you always have a choice. You have a miraculous gift, both common to all people & still uniquely individual: it’s called a brain. Use it.

Not to sound like a cliche’ or anything, but…


Mom – xoxo


Parenting Is Hard; Click Here If You Agree.

Quick! Alert the media! I have a groundbreaking statement to share!


Yes, that’s all I had to say. Oh…you knew that already? Well, I’ll be damned. Seriously though, parenting is hard for everybody, especially if you’re trying your best to do it right. It doesn’t discriminate either. No matter your age, ethnicity, station in life, or your circumstances: parenting is challenging regardless. But, I do think that it’s harder for some than others, and that is what this post is about.

I have an ODD child. And no, I don’t mean ‘odd’ as in Screen Shot 2015-11-13 at 4.55.30 PM

I mean ODD, as in she has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. If you are the parent of an ODD child then you already know the struggle. Before I go any further, however, I would just like to say that I know plenty of people who have it harder than I do and this is not an attempt to diminish anyone’s struggle. Blogging about things has just become a way for me to try to work with the specific cards I’ve been dealt. Having said that, don’t talk to me about what I need to do with my child if you’ve never been in my (or her) shoes.

“That’s just the Terrible Two’s.” (She’s not two anymore, but I did hear that often.)
“She’s just being a brat. All she needs is a good attitude adjustment.”
“She needs to know that you’re in control. Be consistent.”

All your advice to “whoop her a$$!” and show her tough love is completely unsolicited and not at all appreciated. I’m not saying I’m against spankings. That’s not what this post is about at all. I simply believe that consequences (whether positive or negative) should compliment the deed that was done, the message you’re trying to send, & it should overall be beneficial to the child. Spanking is not the blanket answer for everything because some children simply don’t respond to that. My ODD child would rather take the spanking to get it over with and then go on repeating the same behavior whereas my other two children will jump clear across The Grand Canyon to avoid a spanking.

The thing with Princess Sassypants is that spanking just reinforces the things she’s already prone to believe: that we’re just picking on her, nobody likes her, nobody is listening to her, nobody cares about her feelings and needs…etc.. She is incredibly strong-willed and that makes her fight against authority when she feels threatened, neglected, or like someone is trying to control her. It’s not in her DNA to just stop being who she is or doing things that she does just because someone else doesn’t like it. Those qualities in themselves are wonderful! I’m proud of her for wanting to be in control of her own life and for fearlessly being exactly who she is. It’s what the child does with those characteristics that turns them into something undesirable, and likewise, it’s how we respond to those things as parents that is going to be the difference between the Princess choosing to “use her powers for good” or not. I’m still learning how to respond and it has been a long, slow process learning how to put that into practice when I’m disappointed or angry. BUT –  the advice to just spank her, put her in her place, or send her to live elsewhere (as if I’m not capable of handling her & someone else is), quite frankly, makes me want to throat punch you.

2 what is oddI’ll admit that when she was first diagnosed with ODD I didn’t believe it. I thought, “she’s just stubborn…a lot of these identifiers don’t even describe her.” After all she’s not destructive and she doesn’t display what I would categorize as “verbal hostility.” She’s not vindictive either, as some of the articles will suggest some ODD children are. I believe that our children are too often over-diagnosed with this or that imbalance or disorder (but that is a post for another day) when really they’re just individuals with individual needs and abilities. Just because a first grader has trouble sitting still in a class for 60 minutes doesn’t mean that child is ADHD. I approached this similarly; just because Princess Sassypants is stubborn doesn’t make her ODD. But as time went on, I watched her, and as I silently educated myself I discovered that she’s not “just stubborn.”

Her defiance lies far outside what is typical of other children. Most children will allow themselves to be controlled to a degree. They know that if their parent tells them something, it’s just easier for everyone if they obey. They may grumble and complain, but they get the job done. A strong-willed child like Princess Sassypants already knows that you can’t physically make them do anything after a certain point & if you can, they’re not going to make it easy for you. You can tell her to eat her vegetables all day long, but are you going to physically restrain her, open her mouth, & force her to swallow them if she doesn’t? If you try, you’re just going to get green beans spit in your face, which is beside the point because she knows you aren’t going to do that anyway. She knows that she gets to choose: eat the vegetables or be hungry. Further than that, breakfast doesn’t seem that far away and, mine in particular, knows that her parents are going to be sound asleep at 2am so if she wants to get up and sneak some string cheese & a cold hot dog, who’s gonna stop her? I could serve her the same meal for breakfast, but she goes to school everyday where they serve breakfast and lunch for free. I choose not to argue with her about this particular thing because it’s simply not worth it to me. Good nutrition is important, of course. I just find other ways to make sure she gets what she needs that don’t involve either one of us fruitlessly arguing, me making extra meals for anyone, or either one of us causing bodily harm to the other. (That’s also another post.)

Will spanking her make her eat? No. Will “letting her know who’s boss” her make her wear her jacket when it’s cold out, brush her teeth if she doesn’t want to, or (in our specific case) stop stealing anything that glitters? No. We’ve tried it. It doesn’t work. Trying to force her to change because we want her to does not work and it will not ever work. Being her dictator doesn’t work. She has to decide it on her own. Giving her choices is what works (& right now, only barely, but we’re still learning as we go). Everyone gets the option to decide who they are and who they’re going to be…it just so happens that she figured that out earlier than most. By the time most kids realize they have a choice they’re already in or approaching adulthood &, in a lot of cases for better or for worse, are a product of their raising.

Iimage3t’s important enough to repeat: she has to decide what she wants & who she wants to be on her own. I’ve recently made my peace with the fact that no matter how much I want her to stop doing some of the things she’s been doing (stealing & lying most specifically of all) I can’t actually make her. The only thing I can do at this point is change my reaction when she inevitably does things I’m not going to be proud of. I can let her endure the natural consequences of her choices. I can love her for who she is right now. I can let her know that while I don’t love some of her behavior, I do love her.
I’ve already read this book, but I recently flipped back through it and found a helpful list that I’m going to try my best to refer back to when I’m angry and overwhelmed with my child. If you’re in a similar situation, maybe it can help you, too.

*Note: SWC stands for Strong-Willed Child.

image4Thanks for reading my ridiculously long post. If you have comments or questions, please leave them below. It would be nice to not feel so alone in this and maybe we can help each other. Maybe I’ll even elaborate more on the above list in future posts if it’ll help someone. However, if all you’re going to tell me is some story about how I need to control my child, spank her, or send her to someone else, you can take a long walk off a short pier. 🙂

Poll: Dem or Deez?

You know what happens when you go to the store for 15 minutes and leave your kids with your most awesome guy friend? You come home to find your daughters & his daughters have formed an alliance to make him “get his gorgeous on” using your makeup and items from your closet. 
    This dress is from my high school prom, but guess what?! I can still wear it! (And apparently so can bearded men…)

So, inquiring minds want to know:

Who wore it better? Chris looks pretty fabulous, but his brown boots are totally clashing with my black dress. Cast your vote in the comments! It’s all in fun! 🙂 

*****^^^^^^Deez^^^^^^ or ^^^^^^Dem^^^^^^???*****
Many thanks to my friend Jamie for the picture of me and for allowing me to publicly share photos of her husband playing dress up with my things. Because that’s not weird at all. (That’s not sarcasm…I mean it. My friends are the best!) 

They’re Coming To Take You Away, HAHA!


I believe the FBI or the CIA or the ABC’s (or whatever they call themselves these days) has/have infiltrated the music business. You know how just about anyone in show-biz can get away with pretty much everything? I always thought that it was just because they had the money to buy themselves out of trouble. That is, until today.

I still believe that they have the money to buy their way out of troublesome situations, but I’m also inclined to believe that the powers of law enforcement have even more enormous egos than that of the people in Hollywood and have therefore conspired not to let our entertainers think they run things by making a very sneaky power-play. I believe they’ve had a theoretical – how shall I word it? – “measuring contest” and despite the cast of Magic Mike’s best efforts, the law guys came out on top.


Just hang with me for a second (no pun intended) while I explain my theory and how I came up with it.

It was The Script that started all this y’all. They put police sirens near the end of one of their songs. I know they’re not anywhere near the first artists to do this and I’ve had these same thoughts when I’ve heard sirens in other people’s music, but I didn’t have a blog then so that’s how y’all escaped without having to hear about it. 😛

My first thought was to tell the Musical Powers That Be that they really shouldn’t put sirens in songs owing to the logic that most people listen to their music in their cars and hearing sirens in the background is so disconcerting for the general traffic violating public that it could cause them to have a wreck and die. A bit dramatic? Perhaps.



But, then as I thought more and more, it occurred to me that only those who are really guilty or crazy paranoid would have a reaction dramatic enough to cause them to wreck and die. The rest of us would be concerned – maybe look in our rearview mirror and/or tap the breaks slightly – for about a nanosecond before we realized, “okay idjit – it’s only the radio.”


The guiltier of us would have a more pronounced response like slamming on the breaks so suddenly the car behind crashes into us.

The Super Guilty and Paranoid would be too consumed with trying to hide all the drugs to notice that it’s just the radio until several minutes have passed, the siren’s have faded, they’ve repented and asked God to please, please save them, become born again Christians and THEN – after all that – they would finally realize they aren’t in a prison cell with their very own Bubba or Big Susy to keep them company.


That’s when it hit me. The record companies and law-enforcement have struck a deal. This is, in my opinion, what has kept rappers out of jail for so long. They just throw sirens into their music to appease the cops so they can continue getting arrested and released two hours later and the cops get the benefit of a simple scare-tactic they can use to “get” ANYBODY without actually getting them. It’s like a random gut-check – the ultimate prank.

So in conclusion, every time you slam on breaks because you heard a siren in your favorite song, a cop just punked you without even having to be there. Ashton Kutcher would be so proud.



Pot Holders Hold More Than Hot Pots


Okay, so…I have a confession.

Every time I see a pair of pot holders (mine are like one half of two pairs, but whatever) I get…concerned. I’m slightly terrified of them to be completely honest. Whenever I’m about to put my hands into these things I get a vision of all the creepy crawlies that could have climbed inside and made nests in there.

Here’s a story you can learn something from. Just imagine sticking your hands straight into a spider web. Or worse, a den of flesh eating bugs. And then my hands would get shaved to skeletons in seconds and I wouldn’t be able to open the oven so all the cakes would burn and I wouldn’t even be able to spread frosting over them to disguise the taste of charcoal and life would simply be over. You know, because the bugs would climb out of the pot holders and eat my whole body.

The moral of the story is that whenever you’re shopping for a house warming or wedding gift, you should totally go for the plain square pot holder. Otherwise, your recipient will get eaten by zombie bugs and will haunt you from the grave for indirectly causing their death and their significant other will hunt you down because they’ll be really upset about their lack of cake. And people do crazy things when they don’t get their cake. Like plant a nest of zombie bugs in your pot holders. It’s a nasty cycle. Just sayin’.

So, who wants to hire me to come tell your kids bedtime stories?

Dogs, Gods & Nuts

Do you ever just feel like you ate coffee beans right out of the canister? I kinda feel like that today and there’s really no explanation for it other than I went to bed at midnight last night instead of 2 or 3 in the morning like usual. Or maybe it’s because I fought the nearly irresistible urge to push snooze on the alarm clock this morning and climb right back into bed like I usually do. I guess there’s something to be said for getting up when you’re supposed to.

The kids were at school in time for breakfast, I was home before my dogs broke into the house.  Yes, I said my dogs “broke into the house” and yes, it’s happened before, more than once and why I’m broadcasting the ease with which my house may be broken into to a universe full of strangers I have no idea. I guess I’m just living on the edge today. I might as well tell you where the expensive items are in the house, too, right? Ok, so maybe I’m backing away from the edge a little. Some o’ y’all are a weeeee bit psycho!

Anyway, back to my extreme alertness today:

Maybe it’s that Nutella I ate by the spoonful right before going to bed. My husky was definitely begging for some. Glad I didn’t give him any because I have a feeling he’d be crazier than me right now if I had. I do think it’s strange how he’s got such a serious sweet tooth though. The dog is nuts, y’all.

{Unrelated Side Note: When I typed that last sentence I had to delete and make corrections because it initially came out like this: “My husband was definitely begging for some. Glad I didn’t give him any because I have a feeling he’d be crazier than me right now if I had. I do think it’s strange how he’s got such a serious sweet tooth though. The god is nuts, y’all.” And that’s just too funny not to share with you.}

I’m not sure what my point is.  I guess that theory is true! You know, the theory that says rest can actually do your body some good (and so can milk and vegetables, and Ian Somerhalder and…wait, did I just say that?) As painfully alert as I feel this beautiful morning, I fear my attention span is suffering at the same time. I literally have one of those attention spans that……oh, look! A bunny! (Oops…Stefan ate it.)

Yesterday, I felt like a box of chocolates and not even the good kind. Today, I feel like a nut.

Group therapy because sometimes you feel lika a nut


And That’s Why I’m Scared Of Candy.

Show of hands: who has seen the very first Harry Potter movie &/or read the book?

Okay, Every-Single-Person-in-the-Universe-Above-the-Age-of-Ten, you can put your hands down now. You remember that scene where Ron & Harry first meet and they’re eating the candy together on the train? I can see it all flowing back to you.

Now, think of the Jelly Beans. No…not just mere Jelly Beans…Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, which are – evidently – much more superior to our simple, muggle Jelly Beans.

Now, think hard…do you remember what flavors Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans posses? Well, duhEvery Flavor. You’re right, but that includes even the disgusting flavors, yes? Fred or George (can’t remember which) according to Ron, swears they had a bogie flavored one once and Dumbledore had an earwax flavored one near the end. Here’s a little side-note before I get to my point:

How did George (or Fred) & Dumbledore know what boogers and earwax taste like? I’ll let you ponder that while I get back on track.

What do mythical, magical beans have to do with anything?

A lot considering I think I recently had a vomit flavored one disguised as a Creme Savor.

It looks innocent enough. It looks like creamy, sugary goodness, but it’s not. It’s NOT I tell you!!

Here’s the story –

I suspect that wizards have infiltrated our lives so heavily that they are now openly playing pranks on muggles.

My five year old daughter, The Cuteness, was awarded these seemingly innocuous little treats during a trip to the dentist doctor which took place on none other than picture day at school. So, of course, she was wearing one of her favorite pink dresses and had asked to have her hair put up in pig tails, which we then curled into perfect little ringlets. She is called The Cuteness after all.

So, everywhere we go in the doctor’s office, there seems to be someone there willing to spout out just how cute/gorgeous/pretty/beautiful/precious, etc. The Cuteness is. She eats it up, of course & honestly, so do I because what mother doesn’t want to be bombarded with acknowledgments that she and her honey made pretty babies?

At one point during the visit, a nursereceptionistassistant evil-prank playing witch Random Lady walked passed our exam room and took about three small steps backwards just to have a double take at The Cuteness. People cannot resist pink dresses and pig tails, I tell you!

The Random Lady proceeds to gush over The Cuteness and then leaves and The Cuteness and I go on about our waiting and think nothing of it. Then, The Random Lady comes back and in her hands she carries a gigantic bag of Creme Savers candies. (Which I suspect were hexed or else contained Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Nasties in them.)

The Cuteness’ eyes get as big as saucers and her tiny, 5 year old hands are itching to reach in and grab a handful. And grab a handful she does before The Random Lady says “get ya two handfuls!” Deceptively nice Random Lady, amiright? She’s got to be evil.

So The Cuteness smiles excitedly and dips her other hand in.

The Random Lady: Get ya two more handfuls!

The Cuteness: *not wasting a moment, dumps both hands in & pulls out two more kindergarten-size fistfuls of Creme Savers and says in her cute little voice….* Thank you!

She may rot her teeth out, but at least she has manners…

The Random Lady disappears once more and comes back with a bag for The Cuteness to put her spoils in, but that’s not all. OF COURSE NOT. I can only assume it’s customary in whatever land The Random Witch Lady comes from to help all the children rot their baby teeth out. In her hands, she is now holding 4 boxes of Hot Tamales.

And she gives them ALL to my daughter.

Thankfully, this is where The Random Lady (who was very sweet,*haha, pun!*) left us. And I mean to say that she left ME. She left me to deal with the little sugar monster that my sweet, adorable baby was going to morph into after being given all these Cavaties-In-A-Bag.

Luckily, my kid likes to share (most of the time) so she was very willing to offer me as many as I wanted & I thought sharing them with her brother and sister, too, might make the Sugar Monster a little less intense. I can’t say the same for the Cavity Monster, but that’s what they make dental floss for.

(Note to self: go buy more dental floss!)

The Cuteness hands me the raspberry flavored candy and tells me to try it. I know why she picked that one. I would have picked the orange one given a choice because I like that creme-sicle flavor, but if The Cuteness wants me to try the purple one, her favorite color, then try the purple one I shall. I’m always yelling at my kids about trying new foods and even though I’m pretty sure candy doesn’t count in that argument, The Cuteness does not agree so I need to set an example, right? Plus, it’s candy. Other than the fact that it coats your mouth in a sugary decay & was given to us by a Random Stranger Lady who I suspect is really a witch, it’s harmless.

When I put that piece of candy in my mouth, something just wasn’t right about it. I knew from the moment it touched my tongue…I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Until about 5 seconds after swishing it around on my taste-buds and then it was disgustingly clear what the problem was. This was not an ordinary raspberry creme saver. It was the vomit-flavored spawn of what used to be a raspberry creme saver and was now a concoction more appropriate for wizard beans.

And I don’t mean the after taste was like vomit…I very literally mean that the TASTE was VOMIT. Not like vomit, but just vomit, period. It had that acidic, acrid taste down to a science.

I try to put my wizard-prank theories aside and think rationally. Surely, these are expired Creme Savers. But what would a nurse be doing handing out expired creme savers to a child? Oh screw rationality! I’m not even sure she was a nurse. I don’t even know that she worked in the building. She could have been a figment of my imagination or she could have been a semi-villian whose mission in life is to torture children by giving them candy that they can’t eat! Or, the most likely scenario – she’s a witch playing a prank on muggle children because she can’t get away with fooling wizard children without ending up with a face full of boils.

Rational thinking interjects itself into my brain once again as I realize The Cuteness was eating it. And she was eating it with a smile so surely, they must taste good? I just got a bad one out of the batch and what I needed was to get another one to clear the horrible taste out of my mouth. So, I get The Cuteness to hand me a strawberry one because I know I like those. I know what they taste like and it’s a safe option for de-vomititizing my mouth.

Dear Baby Jesus…

The strawberry one tastes like regurgitation, too! It’s too much for me to handle having this horrid taste lingering in my mouth while watching The Cuteness scarf down these candies like they’re heaven in a little foil wrapper.

Why does she like them?! I can’t wrap my mind around it! Surely, if the strawberry one tastes just as vomity as the raspberry one, they all taste vomity. But I’m scared to try another to test the theory so I just ask the five year old.

“Do these taste funny to you?”

“No, Mommy. They taste good!”

Of course, she would say that. You could cover a cat turd in Nutella and a five year old would eat it with enthusiasm. Probably not the wisest choice to take her word for it.

So, I rinse my mouth out with an entire bottle case of water, confiscate the candies for further investigations which I’m too terrified to administer and then head to the school to pick up my other two children.

And then I see it: LIGHTBULB!

When Princess Sassypants & Mr. Thoughtful enter the car, I, without much shame, offer them a tiny piece of vomit-in-a-pouch. If they like it, then surely my tastebuds are all out of whack OR God is playing a not-so-funny (or incredibly funny, depending on how you look at it) joke on me.

OR, says the tiny little voice in my head, The Random Lady is a witch & you are her unfortunate muggle target.

But, no, that’s silly and I can’t think like that. Back to logical thinking and using Princess Sassypants and Mr. Thoughtful as test subjects.

They love them! Both Mr. Thoughtful & Princess Sassypants think these are the most delicious, cavity-causing things to ever touch their lips since…ever!

I’m still flummoxed.

So now, I’m on a mission. When I get paid again, I’ve got to go buy a FRESH bag of Creme Savers just to test them out again. I’m afraid of this mission now. Two vomity candies is quite enough, but….

Third times a charm, right?

Unless the lady at the checkout counter is a witch….

Jellybeans, Piano’s & Eels

Yesterday’s post is the catalyst for today’s post.

We talked about the fact that what doesn’t kill you doesn’t necessarily make you stronger, but now I want to talk about what does kill you. Morbid, right? I guess I’ve been watching too much 1000 Ways To Die on the Spike channel.

(Death By Eel was particularly gruesome. That link isn’t for the 1000 Ways To Die episode; it’s the news report on the real-life story, but it’s gross so if you’ve got a weak stomach, I suggest you don’t watch it. However, the part where the guy says “that is unfortunate” is probably the funniest thing I’ve heard all week because it’s like the understatement of the century. If that eel-guy is a ghost, I can guarantee he’s haunting you right now Mr. News Man because an eel in your rectum is a tad bit more than “unfortunate.” Of course, he’s probably coming to my house next because I totally just referred to him as “eel guy.”)

Now, if you want to see how good I am (or how obsessed & unstable I am, depending on who you ask) I am going to segue this topic into vampires. Do you believe it? If you’ve visited this blog for more than 5 minutes, I bet you do!

What kills you:

  1. Infected paper cuts (thanks TarBear!)
  2. Crazy people with guns
  3. Crazy people with sharp utensils of any sort
  4. Crazy people with things that crazy people crazily kill other people with
  5. Pillows (laid over your face by some individual with gorilla strength)
  6. Water. (If you stay under it too long, it has some….adverse effects.)
  7. Leather belts that just happen to be placed around your neck
  8. Death by Jellybean…in the throat (Thanks husband!)
  9. Piano on the head
  10. Mad Cow Disease

Bet you thought I was gonna put vampires in that list, didn’t you?  But no…I’m not quite that predictable! So there you are. With all the things it’s possible for you to die from, why are so many of us afraid of potentially harmless situations like…I don’t know…telling someone you like them. When a piano falls out of the sky and squashes them, you’ll really wish you had said something. You know…something like “Look out!” would be ideal.

While you think about other things that could kill you, I’ve got another list! I like lists 🙂

Things That Kill You AND Make You Stronger

  1. Vampires

(Okay, so maybe I am a little predictable.)

Little Miss Pessimistic

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

What I want to know is who the hockey sticks “they” is?

I know one of them is Kelly Clarkson, but what team of “they” told her? Whoever “they” are, “they” know how to make it sound good. But is it right? There are things that make you stronger when you come out on the other side of them, sure, but everything isn’t that way.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…unless it’s:

  1. A bullet wound
  2. The flu
  3. Repeated rejection
  4. Lack of exercise
  5. Little Debbie Cakes
  6. McDonald’s
  7. Getting hit by a car
  8. A snake bite
  9. A Concussion
  10. Mountain Lions

I could go on, but I think you can cover the rest. Just think about it today. When you hear Kelly Clarkson on the radio, I want you to yell out something that doesn’t make you stronger just because it didn’t kill you.

And if you think I’m wrong, consider this:

Someone shoots you in the arm. You get an infection. You eventually develop something very much like the flu. You go to the doctor, he treats you, sends you a bill you can’t pay. You ask for help, get told no. You ask for help again, get told no again. You ask your special someone to hold you, but they don’t have time for you so you go cuddle with the dog. The dog leaves you to frolic with the cat (he hates the cat). You begin to get depressed and stop exercising. You eat lots of debbie cakes and visit McDonald’s on a daily basis. On one of your frequent visits to McDonald’s you get hit by a car. You get thrown from the car into a snake infested bush. You get bitten by a snake before you even hit the ground, but when you hit the ground, you get a concussion.

Now you’re laying in the forest waiting for the mountain lions.

Go Ahead; Make My Day

I put some new pics on my photo-blog if’n ya wanna take a gander. Yeah…I just said that. You have to excuse me. We’re leaving to go camping today and my Redneck is coming out in full-force. It’s like there are several different versions of me that live inside the same body/brain & they tend to all come out to play for different occasions. (Which means it’s not at all like Schizophrenia, where all your personalities want to come out to play at the same time.)

I’ve got the professional part for my photography that tries not to be too professional & stiff. It’s hard to get nice natural reactions & expressions from your subjects if you’re afraid to have any fun yourself.

I have a Shy Me.

I have a Fun, Crazy Me. I like her best and I think, so does everyone else. She’s funny.

I have a Sarcastic Me. She likes to make appearances on a regular basis, but she has the most fun when she’s drinking Rum.

There most definitely is a What Is Wrong With These Stupid People!! Me who puzzles over…well…the stupid things that stupid people do and doesn’t understand why those stupid people are so unbearably stupid. Were you born like that or did your mama throw you up against a wall a couple hundred times?

Stupid People

Stupid people make me do this:

There is something else that makes me do that, too.

And I do mean that stupid, disgraceful, sorry-excuse-for-entertainment on MTV. I could go on a tangent about this, but I’ll spare you. I’m pretty sure the fact that I hate it with the fiery passion of a million hells has been made clear and those of you that know anything about me can already take a pretty accurate guess as to why I hate it. So can one of my favorite bloggers since I ranted about it in her comments section recently 😛

Note to Self…breath. Get back on track. *Breathes. Get’s back on track.*

There is a Mean Me. I’m finding that I like her more & more. There is a Sweet Me which I’m finding I like less and less. But she’ll always be there because there’s also a Stubborn Me that refuses to let any other parts of me die.

I have Mommy Me. Wife Me. Sister Me. Daughter Me. Aunt Me, both a Mean and a Cool version. I prefer the Cool version and so do my nieces and nephews.

There’s You-Definitely-Don’t-Want-To-Piss-Me-Off Me, but I don’t think she comes out to play nearly enough because it takes A LOT to get her to perk up. Say something about my kids or my parenting. I dare you.

And the gun brings me back to the Me that I will be sporting this weekend; Redneck Me who is really just Country Girl Me that likes the term Redneck even though I don’t exactly meet all the requirements that befit the title. No cell phone. No computer. No toilet. (I admit, that one scares me a little.) But I will have a gun, a knife, a very large bat & a thick southern drawl. I hope I get attacked by some horror movie creature from Wrong Turn because I intend to shoot the face off that thing barefoot & in cut-off shorts while holding a Jack & Coke in the other hand. I’d shoot the bugs if I thought I could hit ’em.

I supposed it’s time for me to stop entertaining Procrastinator Me and go pack. See ya when we get back!