My Fridge Had A Puppy

I made it to Day 13 in this Blogging Challenge. That’s farther than I’ve made it in any other challenge, ever. Today, I’m supposed to write about what’s in my fridge. Probably a lot of the same things that are in your refrigerators, but let’s see…

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Going off my vague memory:

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    I wish I could say our husky actually did this, but this photo is compliments of Google. I don’t particularly care for dog hair in my salad.

    a husky

  • Wilted salad mix and baby spinach that I should probably throw out. It went in there fresh, but the next time I opened it, it was like someone had replaced it with mush.
  • One red bell pepper
  • Half a yellow pepper (I blame the husky)
  • Another entrance to Narnia (I know it’s typically a wardrobe, but we had to move ours because every time I went to get dressed I’d find a talking honey badger or a little goat-man clinging to my good shirts. It only took one time of accidentally putting my jeans on with a ticklish porcupine in my back pocket. I won’t give you the rest of the gory details, but let’s just say I learned my lesson after that and now we all go to Narnia through the beer drawer. Don’t judge me; it’s better than when we have to take the toilet to the Ministry of Magic.)
  • A quarter of a unicorn roast that I can’t remember what night we cooked. We also can’t find the horn…
  • Pie, which I’m saving as a trap for Dean Winchester
  • A full mermaid tail which is taking up an obscene amount of space. I recommend getting your Mermaid from Fresh Market or Whole Foods; you can’t really trust those other guys, too many GMOs.
  • An empty bottle of Ketchup
  • A full bottle of ketchup (our pet dragon really likes Ketchup)
  • A box of Vampire Capri-Suns for the occasional fanged guest
  • A bottle of Veritas-Serum & some moldy Polyjuice Potion
  • Left over green beans

And that about covers it.

So, what do you think? Same old boring stuff you have in your fridge, right?

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Sorry, I Got Nothin’

My challenge for today was to write about my ten favorite foods, but this is not a topic I care to write about, nor one I think people give a damn about. I’m feeling pretty cynical today. My girls brought home their report cards & well…the report wasn’t so good. It’s just got me down and honestly, feeling kinda throat-punchy. So for today, I have nothing to give you. No funnies, no sarcasm, no small chicken nuggets of death wisdom.

But in the (debatably) wise words of Dean Winchester…

Strike out GED, replace with High School Diploma, add something about pie and we’ll call this #ChallengeComplete.

Some Thoughts on Punctuality, Trash, Free Potatoes, & Twin Grandmothers

Today is a good day.

I (accidentally, but thankfully) slept in, the kids didn’t get to school TOO terribly late (they even had time for showers & pretzel sticks for breakfast!), & I cleaned up some trash on our road & in our yard (that was put there by coyotes, I just know it!) because I don’t do the trash-on-the-ground thing.

This is Ian Somerhalder being proud that I pick up trash.
This is Ian Somerhalder being proud that I pick up trash.

tumblr_n0q4aosoWV1rr54cto1_500I mailed some stuff. Visited my dad, & then I had lunch with my sister. I wasn’t going to go because I didn’t have the money to be perfectly honest, but I did because it’s my sister &…buttered potatoes…YUSS. 58Then, wouldn’t ya know…she paid for it because she’s awesome & also because I’m pretty sure the universe was looking out for me. Good karma got me some free buttered potatoes, y’all! I think I’ll pick up trash & agree to lunch even when I’m broke EVERYDAY. Maybe Karma will bring me Ian Somerhalder instead of trans fats next time? A girl can hope. (No, I don’t care that he’s married…his human can come, too, because I want to hug her.)

After lunch, I looked at some flowers, but I didn’t buy them because my bank account told me I couldn’t. I’m glad I stopped though because while I was flower-gazing, I saw my grandmother’s twin! My heart skipped a beat & I had to do a double take. I totally wanted to hug her, but I refrained because being committed to the crazy house would have ruined my good mood. I snuck a picture, but because I don’t want to completely disregard this poor woman’s privacy, I won’t post it here. If you’d like to see my ‘grandmother from another mother who isn’t mine’ just come over…I’ll break out the iPhone and show you. If you don’t know where I live, you don’t know me well enough to be asking questions about my grandmother; the real ethereal one or the physical fake one.

I also received a fortune from the Chinese place that said, “Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.” That made me laugh. I then determined that pessimists are just people who are super kind, but are bitter about it. That made me laugh, too. It also made me think of my husband & father-in-law. They both have a large capacity for kindness, but they lace it with expletives. It’s a thing. You learn to love it.

Legendary-how-i-met-your-mother-33203140-500-500It’s not even 2 pm in Georgia yet & I already I’ve had such a lovely day. It would have been easy for me to wake up with an attitude and write the whole day off, because when you oversleep and get your kids to school late, that doesn’t exactly scream “LEGENDARY DAY!” But it’s much more enjoyable to just find the little blessings in everything.

Just goes to show…it truly is all about your perspective.

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Why I Won’t Stab You With A Fork For The Last Piece Of Fried Chicken

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This photo warms my heart. 🙂 These people are definitely on to something. In a way, this reminds me of my family. Everybody has their dysfunctions in life, but sharing has never been one of ours. Our belief is this:

“If I’ve got it, you have it. If you’ve got it, I have it. If neither of us has it we don’t need it.”

One thing I’ve noticed that we share more than anything else is food. Makes sense, right? Food sustains us, but it also brings us together. Every time someone comes over, the first thing we do is ask them if they’re hungry or planning to stay for supper. I am not even kidding you…my family can vouch for this. You better think twice before you come to my house if you’re on any sort of diet, lol.

“Go get something to eat! Everything’s deep fried and delicious! You’re on a diet? Oh….well take a diet vacation, this is some good food!”

I’ve been thinking about this lately & it makes me realize how incredibly blessed we are. Even when our refrigerator, freezer &/or pantry has been nearly empty, we still find a way to throw something delicious edible together. We may have ten or more extra people at our house; we still share. And you know what? We never truly run out. We laugh, we enjoy each others company, we get annoyed with each other, we disagree, we hug, we love each other, we give without a second thought & we do all this while shoveling food in our mouths. 😉

It always seems to be just enough or, as is most often the case, more than enough.

This is worth celebrating to me because so many people are going without, and for no reason because there is more than enough to go around! Why are we not sharing it?!

My family and I are not rich by any means and most of the time, after our bills are paid, my husband and I sit around wondering where we’re going to find the money for groceries. Despite the uncertainty, we still offer to share openly & willingly, without any hesitation whatsoever. Each time we do this, we manage to find a way to afford groceries or we refer to our aforementioned “if I’ve got it, you’ve got it” rule and everyone in the family contributes something until there’s enough to go around. Twice.

We always have enough for our family of five, not to mention the other four people that live in the house with us, the nearly constant flow of visitors, AND the 15 kids (give or take a few) we may likely have with us over any given weekend.

With so much greed & hatred infecting our entire way of life, I think a little sharing goes a long way. It doesn’t even have to be food. Share love, kindness, empathy, share a blanket…share a paper sack & a wish sandwich with a homeless man for all care, but share something with someone today. I promise you won’t run out; there is always enough to go around.

(Unless, of course, we’re talking about the last piece of chicken…all bets are off at this point. What? Don’t judge me. Titles & headlines were created to draw people in, not for their infallible accuracy.) 🙂

Goose-Step Salute & Cannibal Pop-Tarts

Upon having a conversation with a particular brilliant friend of mine, we decided this would make a great blog title. Actually, she decided and I agreed, but whatever. It’s here now, gracing the world (or the seven readers of this blog at least) with fantastic weirdness.

However, even when I blog about weird, random things there has to be some sort of cohesion. I always find a way to make things relate even if the things I’m talking about seemingly have nothing to do with each other. It’s a gift, really.

To do that, I admit, I had to google “goose-step.” For those of you that already know what that is without the help of the interwebs, and are surprised that I did not know I only have this to say: my husband was in the military, not me. So anyway, as I looked more into this goose-step thing, I realized that a “goose-step salute” would actually be considered offensive to some people. Oops…you learn something new everyday I guess.

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Nazi’s. Need I say more about the offensive properties of this photo?

So, then I checked out the website where this photo was pulled from (theobamafile.com) and the title of the article it was in is called “Obama and Terrorism.” I actually really hate politics so I don’t care to elaborate on our scum president and his anti-American legislature; However, Mr. Obama, my friend’s obsession with Hannibal and The Dixie Chicks (Goodbye Earl anybody?) did work together to give me a brilliant idea.

 

I will neither confirm nor deny that this idea is somehow relevant to cannibal pop-tarts.

 

 

It’s All Chemical

I find it concerning that food manufacturers must label their packages with bold letters reading, “made with REAL cheese!” Since when did cooking with real ingredients become a thing we need to point out or boast about?

Oh yeah that’s right…since almost everything we consume that isn’t homemade is about one molecule away from being plastic.

Next year, I’m starting a garden and I’m going to can my veggies and put labels on them that say, “made with real green beans” and grow watermelons so I can put stickers on them that say “made with real watermelon (and grown by Captain Obvious).”

Maybe boasting about the authenticity will make me some money, too. Or what if I just start making a whole bunch of fake stuff and label it with “made with REAL synthetic ingredients!” We have enough idiots in the world for me to become a very rich woman….. *evil laugh*

Do-Overs: Live & Re-live

I want a do-over! Everyone wants a do-over on something, right?

(Dear Person Who Is Going To Eventually Invent A Working Time Machine,

Get on this do-over business for us, mkay?

Thanks!

Sincerely,

The Entire World)

But, who says the do-over has to be reserved only for experiences which were less than what you envisioned? I think they should apply also to those things you enjoyed so much that you want to re-visit the first time over and over again.

So, as if you care, here is a list of things on which I’d like a do-over:

  • The reading of a certain young adult series with feminine, glittery vampires. Okay, I admit it – I read Twilight and I LOVED it. I shall wear my shame with pride! (***And the award for Most Ironic & Nonsensical Statement of the Day goes to…..***) The first time I read it, it just grabbed me. I won’t say it’s the best written story of all time or that the sparkly vampire business isn’t a bit gay, but when I initially read it, I loved it. I devoured the entire series in four days and during that four days, I can’t remember doing a single household chore, cooking, eating, sleeping and sadly, even bathing. My children were probably wandering around the house frantically croaking “Mommy!” while scraping the crumbling remains of day-old Cheerios off the floor to nibble on. I wish that everything I could read had the power to captivate me like those books did. (Except for maybe the bathing part. A girl can take a book to the bathtub with her!) Also, Dear DFACS, I totally fed my kids while reading Twilight. Back off. KThxBye!
  • Watching Vampire Diaries for the first time. I know it’s sad that my first two do-overs involve vampires, but this is me we’re talking about. I have a bit of a slight (un)healthy obsession with the fanged and undead. Correction – the PRETTY fanged and undead. Not the undead as in The Walking Dead. That’s just Filthy McNasty. (Although the show is surprisingly awesome.) Anyway, getting back on track………….

I started watching Vampire Diaries when it was up to episode 11 of season 1. By the time they were up to episode 13 of season 1, I was already caught up and had been waiting a week for that episode to magically appear on iTunes. We were living in Germany, my husband was deployed, I didn’t sleep much and True Blood was on hiatus; I needed something to do. So I gave TVD a shot and it was like crack, y’all. CRACK! When one episode went off, I immediately started another until I realized that I needed at least a couple of hours of sleep before walking the kids to school the next day and forced myself to shut the computer off. I couldn’t get enough of it. I want every time I watch that show to feel like it did when I was first starting it.

  • Dating the hubs. There are some things I’d like a do-over of just because they weren’t exactly the smoothest operations in the history of ever, but mostly I’d just like to go back to how fun everything was then. I was 16 and goofy and didn’t care that people thought I was certifiably insane. I said hi to random strangers in a Hammy The Squirrel sort of voice. And my boyfriend (now husband) adored that goofy version of me. It was silly and fun and adorable. And vomit-inducing to everyone else which just makes it that much more amusing for me! But then again, I LOVE things just the way they are now so maybe this isn’t do-over material so much as it is re-invention material. I just need to make it a point to have more fun. I was going to say I need to make it a point to be goofier, but if I get any goofier, this blog would probably explode from not being able to handle the copious amount of weirdness it is forced to contain.
  • The first time I told my son that little boy babies come from Home Depot and little girl babies come from Walmart. This is a weird thing to want to re-experience, I admit, but you didn’t see his precious little face trying to process this information. Priceless!
  • The first time I made apple pie from scratch. This one is a do-over I wanted because the first time was a complete FAIL. Luckily, I already redeemed myself in this area on Valentine’s Day. Say hello to my delicious friend:

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I made mini apple pies, too, but at least one of those turned out to look grotesquely (and hilariously) inappropriate for the interwebs. So naturally, I took a picture! And I’m going to tease you with the fact that a select few have seen this picture and can vouch for its grotesqueness and hilarity, but I can’t bring myself to post it here because…honestly, my mom reads this thing and there’s just no way…

  • Do-over number whatever: The time I said “Dear Baby Jesus” and “your eyes are so blue!” to Ian Somerhalder. Did I think the man didn’t know what color his eyes are? He’s probably used those puppies on women since the womb and here I am gushing at him about his genetic makeup. *head-desk* As soon as I saw the man, all viable cells vacated my brain and I NEED to redeem myself. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t remember me or that he still won’t remember me after I’ve made amends for my brainless first encounter with him. What matters is that I remember and I can’t live with that distinctly, stereotypically blonde moment hovering over my consciousness every time I see this picture (which is hanging in a place of honor in my office) with my stupid, fat-faced, goofy grin on it.

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  • 3rd Grade. All of third grade.

 

  • I’d like a do-over of that period when my two oldest kids were between the ages of 2 & 4. Not because I screwed it up or anything, but because I miss it and I’d absolutely record more of their little voices on my phone to later save to iTunes and play to myself on a regular basis. Their voices are so precious!

Side Note/Funny Story regarding the precious voices of my minions; I recorded a conversation while my husband was deployed the first time that went like this:

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: *Singing* I wonder if my daddy is coming back home…. *Pause* When he gets done beating the bad people up…*longer pause*

Me: Go ahead, finish your song!

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: I already! 

Me: Okay. *hears Minion #2 AKA Princess Sassypants singing aforementioned song in the background in her adorable barely 2 year old voice* Tell Daddy you love him.

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: I wuv you Daddy. I miss you!

Me: Princess Sassypants, come tell your daddy you love him. *She toddles over, doesn’t say anything* Come on, say ‘I love you, Daddy.’

Minion #2 AKA Princess Sassypants: Momma, I tink I poop!

That, I would not re-do in a million years except to keep it EXACTLY the same and hear it again and again 🙂

  • I would NOT like a do-over of pregnancy. Been there, done that, got the “PERMANENTLY OUT OF SERVICE” tattoo.
  • The time I let the kids watch Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire at the theater with the hubs and I. They were a bit too young for the whole rebirthing of a snake-like-looking-powerful-wizard/monster guy.
  • The time I let the hubs talk me into letting my young son watch The Lord of The Rings. He literally JUST got over being terrified of Smeagol and Gollum.
  • A few days ago when the kids and I did a table-top volcano experiment. That was fun. They smiled, they laughed, they played AND they learned. If we could relive that everyday, it would be fantastic.
  • The time I freaked my brother out with that Secret Circle theme music and he jumped 5 feet in the air from a laying position. Awesome!

I’m sure there’s more, but my do-overs aren’t exactly epic or anything so I’ll bore you no longer. 🙂 You tell me your do-overs now. They’ve got to be way more interesting than mine.

Until next time –

xoxo

Dogs, Gods & Nuts

Do you ever just feel like you ate coffee beans right out of the canister? I kinda feel like that today and there’s really no explanation for it other than I went to bed at midnight last night instead of 2 or 3 in the morning like usual. Or maybe it’s because I fought the nearly irresistible urge to push snooze on the alarm clock this morning and climb right back into bed like I usually do. I guess there’s something to be said for getting up when you’re supposed to.

The kids were at school in time for breakfast, I was home before my dogs broke into the house.  Yes, I said my dogs “broke into the house” and yes, it’s happened before, more than once and why I’m broadcasting the ease with which my house may be broken into to a universe full of strangers I have no idea. I guess I’m just living on the edge today. I might as well tell you where the expensive items are in the house, too, right? Ok, so maybe I’m backing away from the edge a little. Some o’ y’all are a weeeee bit psycho!

Anyway, back to my extreme alertness today:

Maybe it’s that Nutella I ate by the spoonful right before going to bed. My husky was definitely begging for some. Glad I didn’t give him any because I have a feeling he’d be crazier than me right now if I had. I do think it’s strange how he’s got such a serious sweet tooth though. The dog is nuts, y’all.

{Unrelated Side Note: When I typed that last sentence I had to delete and make corrections because it initially came out like this: “My husband was definitely begging for some. Glad I didn’t give him any because I have a feeling he’d be crazier than me right now if I had. I do think it’s strange how he’s got such a serious sweet tooth though. The god is nuts, y’all.” And that’s just too funny not to share with you.}

I’m not sure what my point is.  I guess that theory is true! You know, the theory that says rest can actually do your body some good (and so can milk and vegetables, and Ian Somerhalder and…wait, did I just say that?) As painfully alert as I feel this beautiful morning, I fear my attention span is suffering at the same time. I literally have one of those attention spans that……oh, look! A bunny! (Oops…Stefan ate it.)

Yesterday, I felt like a box of chocolates and not even the good kind. Today, I feel like a nut.

Group therapy because sometimes you feel lika a nut

 

Slackers, Swiss Rolls and….Dog Poo?

And the ‘Slacker of The Year’ award goes to…

*Totally Silent & Therefore Unnecessary Drum Roll Please*

Yeah…me. I won! I won! Except I didn’t because I probably lost about 300 readers. But you know, it’s all good. I’ll tempt them back in with my irresistible weirdness.

Rather than recap you on why I’ve been absent (because it’s really not worth recapping – hello, I have a life! See the beautiful faces on the banner above…) I’ll just jump right back in here with randomness. This morning I had a swiss roll for breakfast. Actually, I had an apple for breakfast and a swiss roll for 2nd breakfast.

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I fear that a horrible, predictable thing is happening to me. See, I want to lose a little weight. There’s only a billion other women on the planet who aspire to that same goal. But there’s this crazy phenomena that happens as soon as a woman says these words out loud. The universe swoops down on her and begs her to consume every sugar-packed, cream-filled, fatty substance available on Earth. It’s a proven fact and I’ll even list my fact-gathering references.

Reference #1: I said I wanted to lose a little weight and the universe suddenly swooped down on me and begged me to consume every sugar-packed, cream-filled, fatty substance available on Earth. And I probably eat more horribly now than I did before I uttered those terrible words. See how cohesive this slacker theme is becoming now?

Reference #2: See reference #1. This should be all the proof you need.

So how can we conquer this evil plan the universe has put  into motion? I have a theory. It involves saying aloud that you want to GAIN weight. Take THAT, Universe! Reverse Psychology!

Unfortunately, I already tried that and the universe was totally on to me. She’s such a beeeeeeeeeeep.

What I need is a buddy. Someone to message me in the morning and tell me they’ll chop my hand off and feed it to the gators if I even think about touching a swiss roll at 9 a.m. Someone to relentlessly badger me into working out and drag me along on walks if they have to. Basically, I need a health and fitness babysitter. A health and fitness babysitter that works for free. Know anyone like that? I certainly don’t. Good thing I’m training my dog to be a great walking companion. Maybe I can get a moderate amount of exercise despite the fact that he has to stop every 2 minutes to hike his leg. And if I’m very unlucky, maybe he’ll leave a present in the grass along the way that will help heighten my determination to run the hell away. 🙂

Yeah, so this is where we are. I’m now counting on my dogs bowel movements to prompt me to exercise and the vacant threat of crocodile water to deter me from eating a swiss roll.

Anyone else ready to join the “Doomed To Fail” club??

 

 

 

And That’s Why I’m Scared Of Candy.

Show of hands: who has seen the very first Harry Potter movie &/or read the book?

Okay, Every-Single-Person-in-the-Universe-Above-the-Age-of-Ten, you can put your hands down now. You remember that scene where Ron & Harry first meet and they’re eating the candy together on the train? I can see it all flowing back to you.

Now, think of the Jelly Beans. No…not just mere Jelly Beans…Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, which are – evidently – much more superior to our simple, muggle Jelly Beans.

Now, think hard…do you remember what flavors Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans posses? Well, duhEvery Flavor. You’re right, but that includes even the disgusting flavors, yes? Fred or George (can’t remember which) according to Ron, swears they had a bogie flavored one once and Dumbledore had an earwax flavored one near the end. Here’s a little side-note before I get to my point:

How did George (or Fred) & Dumbledore know what boogers and earwax taste like? I’ll let you ponder that while I get back on track.

What do mythical, magical beans have to do with anything?

A lot considering I think I recently had a vomit flavored one disguised as a Creme Savor.

It looks innocent enough. It looks like creamy, sugary goodness, but it’s not. It’s NOT I tell you!!

Here’s the story –

I suspect that wizards have infiltrated our lives so heavily that they are now openly playing pranks on muggles.

My five year old daughter, The Cuteness, was awarded these seemingly innocuous little treats during a trip to the dentist doctor which took place on none other than picture day at school. So, of course, she was wearing one of her favorite pink dresses and had asked to have her hair put up in pig tails, which we then curled into perfect little ringlets. She is called The Cuteness after all.

So, everywhere we go in the doctor’s office, there seems to be someone there willing to spout out just how cute/gorgeous/pretty/beautiful/precious, etc. The Cuteness is. She eats it up, of course & honestly, so do I because what mother doesn’t want to be bombarded with acknowledgments that she and her honey made pretty babies?

At one point during the visit, a nursereceptionistassistant evil-prank playing witch Random Lady walked passed our exam room and took about three small steps backwards just to have a double take at The Cuteness. People cannot resist pink dresses and pig tails, I tell you!

The Random Lady proceeds to gush over The Cuteness and then leaves and The Cuteness and I go on about our waiting and think nothing of it. Then, The Random Lady comes back and in her hands she carries a gigantic bag of Creme Savers candies. (Which I suspect were hexed or else contained Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Nasties in them.)

The Cuteness’ eyes get as big as saucers and her tiny, 5 year old hands are itching to reach in and grab a handful. And grab a handful she does before The Random Lady says “get ya two handfuls!” Deceptively nice Random Lady, amiright? She’s got to be evil.

So The Cuteness smiles excitedly and dips her other hand in.

The Random Lady: Get ya two more handfuls!

The Cuteness: *not wasting a moment, dumps both hands in & pulls out two more kindergarten-size fistfuls of Creme Savers and says in her cute little voice….* Thank you!

She may rot her teeth out, but at least she has manners…

The Random Lady disappears once more and comes back with a bag for The Cuteness to put her spoils in, but that’s not all. OF COURSE NOT. I can only assume it’s customary in whatever land The Random Witch Lady comes from to help all the children rot their baby teeth out. In her hands, she is now holding 4 boxes of Hot Tamales.

And she gives them ALL to my daughter.

Thankfully, this is where The Random Lady (who was very sweet,*haha, pun!*) left us. And I mean to say that she left ME. She left me to deal with the little sugar monster that my sweet, adorable baby was going to morph into after being given all these Cavaties-In-A-Bag.

Luckily, my kid likes to share (most of the time) so she was very willing to offer me as many as I wanted & I thought sharing them with her brother and sister, too, might make the Sugar Monster a little less intense. I can’t say the same for the Cavity Monster, but that’s what they make dental floss for.

(Note to self: go buy more dental floss!)

The Cuteness hands me the raspberry flavored candy and tells me to try it. I know why she picked that one. I would have picked the orange one given a choice because I like that creme-sicle flavor, but if The Cuteness wants me to try the purple one, her favorite color, then try the purple one I shall. I’m always yelling at my kids about trying new foods and even though I’m pretty sure candy doesn’t count in that argument, The Cuteness does not agree so I need to set an example, right? Plus, it’s candy. Other than the fact that it coats your mouth in a sugary decay & was given to us by a Random Stranger Lady who I suspect is really a witch, it’s harmless.

When I put that piece of candy in my mouth, something just wasn’t right about it. I knew from the moment it touched my tongue…I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Until about 5 seconds after swishing it around on my taste-buds and then it was disgustingly clear what the problem was. This was not an ordinary raspberry creme saver. It was the vomit-flavored spawn of what used to be a raspberry creme saver and was now a concoction more appropriate for wizard beans.

And I don’t mean the after taste was like vomit…I very literally mean that the TASTE was VOMIT. Not like vomit, but just vomit, period. It had that acidic, acrid taste down to a science.

I try to put my wizard-prank theories aside and think rationally. Surely, these are expired Creme Savers. But what would a nurse be doing handing out expired creme savers to a child? Oh screw rationality! I’m not even sure she was a nurse. I don’t even know that she worked in the building. She could have been a figment of my imagination or she could have been a semi-villian whose mission in life is to torture children by giving them candy that they can’t eat! Or, the most likely scenario – she’s a witch playing a prank on muggle children because she can’t get away with fooling wizard children without ending up with a face full of boils.

Rational thinking interjects itself into my brain once again as I realize The Cuteness was eating it. And she was eating it with a smile so surely, they must taste good? I just got a bad one out of the batch and what I needed was to get another one to clear the horrible taste out of my mouth. So, I get The Cuteness to hand me a strawberry one because I know I like those. I know what they taste like and it’s a safe option for de-vomititizing my mouth.

Dear Baby Jesus…

The strawberry one tastes like regurgitation, too! It’s too much for me to handle having this horrid taste lingering in my mouth while watching The Cuteness scarf down these candies like they’re heaven in a little foil wrapper.

Why does she like them?! I can’t wrap my mind around it! Surely, if the strawberry one tastes just as vomity as the raspberry one, they all taste vomity. But I’m scared to try another to test the theory so I just ask the five year old.

“Do these taste funny to you?”

“No, Mommy. They taste good!”

Of course, she would say that. You could cover a cat turd in Nutella and a five year old would eat it with enthusiasm. Probably not the wisest choice to take her word for it.

So, I rinse my mouth out with an entire bottle case of water, confiscate the candies for further investigations which I’m too terrified to administer and then head to the school to pick up my other two children.

And then I see it: LIGHTBULB!

When Princess Sassypants & Mr. Thoughtful enter the car, I, without much shame, offer them a tiny piece of vomit-in-a-pouch. If they like it, then surely my tastebuds are all out of whack OR God is playing a not-so-funny (or incredibly funny, depending on how you look at it) joke on me.

OR, says the tiny little voice in my head, The Random Lady is a witch & you are her unfortunate muggle target.

But, no, that’s silly and I can’t think like that. Back to logical thinking and using Princess Sassypants and Mr. Thoughtful as test subjects.

They love them! Both Mr. Thoughtful & Princess Sassypants think these are the most delicious, cavity-causing things to ever touch their lips since…ever!

I’m still flummoxed.

So now, I’m on a mission. When I get paid again, I’ve got to go buy a FRESH bag of Creme Savers just to test them out again. I’m afraid of this mission now. Two vomity candies is quite enough, but….

Third times a charm, right?

Unless the lady at the checkout counter is a witch….