The Birth of ‘Truth or Darth’

Today I decided to share an excerpt from a post originally made on April 2nd, 2013. It made me giggle.

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The Birth of Truth or Darth:

I had no idea my kids even knew how to play truth or dare, but they kept it innocent so I went with it. “Truth or Dare!” “Dare.” “I dare you to eat those apple slices in five minutes!” <—-Mom is entirely okay with this.

At one point I even got an “I dare you to play Candy Crush on your phone!” I tried to be responsible and say that we were at the dinner table and I would not be playing games on my phone, but Princess Sassypants was adamant saying, “no, mommy, I double-dog-dare you!” I had to after that.

The Cuteness got in on the fun, too, when she looked at me and said, “truth or dare, mommy.”

Me: Truth.

The Cuteness: Try again.

(I had to giggle at that one.)

The Cuteness: Truth or dare?

Me: Truth. *for the second time.*

The Cuteness: *very seriously and with pronounced head-rolling* Try. Again. *Then she cracked a little smile because she’s incapable of holding a serious face for more than three seconds…*

Me: Truth.

The Cuteness: *getting exasperated now, but determined to get me to say what she wants me to say* Okay, Mommy – try again. *Small growl* (Yes, she growled at me a little.) Truth or Darth?

I have to admit, I was really impressed by the fact that she combined Truth and Dare into one word in an effort to try and trick me, so I had to humor her this time and pick darth. It didn’t work very well though because she didn’t know whether to ask me a truth question or dare me to drink my sweet tea so she just put her head in her little hands and mumbled about how “mommy doesn’t know how to play this game.”

Update: it’s January 2017 and I still don’t know how to play this game.

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Trunk Or Treat

Trunk or Treat. Like Trick or Treat except supposedly safer because it’s usually done from decorated trunks in parking lots at churches or on private property where children can collect treats in a safe environment from people they trust. I’m cool with that, but I do have questions about other things.

Why the option? Trunk or Treat.Creepy much?!

Hi little child, Happy Halloween! You may choose your preference between my trunk or this delicious Halloween Reese Cup that your parents are obviously going to need to check for poison pinholes…by eating them. Which do you choose?

Like…at that point I don’t want anything from you creepy old man. No thank you.

I asked myself why we couldn’t just call it Trunk & Treat or Trunk-N-Treat, but then it occurred to me that taking away options isn’t really helping matters. It doesn’t make me feel much better to get the Reese Cup if I still have to get in your trunk.

Thus, I propose a name change. Let’s just call all forms of trick or treating what it is: Candy Capitalism for pint-sized sugar terrorists. All in favor? Share this post and let’s make it a thing.

Wordy 30

It’s almost that time: my 30th birthday is just two days away.

I could say a lot about turning 30:

I could whine and complain and refuse to ever be older than 29, continuing to celebrate each subsequent birthday as “The [1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc.] Anniversary of My 29th Birthday” but cute as it is, that’s not really my style. I’m SO EXCITED about turning 30! Maybe that makes me a weirdo, but I just think that the future is exciting. The fact that I’ve made it 30 years in this beautiful, amazing, horrible, awful, extraordinary life is exciting! I have fought for the privilege to be another year older & I feel blessed that God has allowed me this much time on Earth. I pray he gives me many, many more years, but I’ll be thankful for each one I get no matter how many (or few) they may be.

I also think that resentment of growing older is a bit incongruous. Nobody wants to die, but nobody wants to get older either; how’s that working out for you? I feel like grey hairs, crows feet, laugh lines, scars, and all most of the other things that come with growing older are a beautiful privilege, and they tell a unique, physical story about how we’ve lived. I do hope that when I’m 50 my story will say I’m 30 *wink wink* but still…even if it doesn’t I’ll be thankful for whatever story my body tells.

I could go on about how my health and fitness have been more important to me in the last 3 years than they have ever been, but that’s not really what I wanted to share today either. I’m sure that’s the story you’re dying to hear, but suck it up, buttercup. 😉 I want to share with you 30 things I’ve learned in my 30 short years.

30 Things I’ve Learned in 30 Years (In No Particular Order):

  1. Potty-training is the devil.
  2. You’re never “too old.” Wear what you want, style your hair how you want (purple and blue hair anyone??), and get excited over unicorns, rainbows, and glitter. Two words: Lisa. Frank. I am not ashamed.MTI0ODc2MDQ2MDg3NjA0MjM0
  3. Life is too short to waste time worrying about what other people think of you. To the extent of getting and keeping a good job and doing the things you need to do to take care of your responsibilities – yes, present yourself in a manner that people in positions of authority find pleasing (good hygiene, prioritizing, always being respectful, that sort of thing), but don’t change who you are at your core to please someone else. You want people in your life who love you for who you really are, not who they think you ought to be. Nerd out. Go on & share your love of T-Swift & YA novels with the world. You didn’t actually hate it when your three year old used to watch The Backyardigans? Go ahead and sing the theme song out loud. 99faefe255167765afeed34e19d0488f
  4. Comparison is the thief of joy. Yes, it’s a famous quote and you may have seen it so many times it makes you throw up in your mouth a little, but it’s beautiful and very, very true.
  5. You will never see me wearing matching socks.life-is-too-short
  6. It’s okay to go at your own pace. Sure, I got married at 18, had a baby, and didn’t get my license until I was 21 or start college until I was 22. I did things, as they say, “backwards.” Who died and made you The Keeper of Chronological Life Events? I turned out okay. If you did it the other way around, or if you’re unmarried at 30, don’t have kids, have a bunch of kids, don’t want kids, or still haven’t figured out what you want to be when you grow up – it’s okay! It’s not a competition.
  7. There is no one-size-fits-all “right time” to do anything. The right time is whenever you decide to do it.
  8. Getting carded is awesome.
  9. My high school playlist is on a loop…on the oldies station.
  10. It’s cool when people think you’re wise when really you’re just making it up as you go along just like everybody else.
  11. Jagermeister is disgusting.
  12. Jameson is even worse.
  13. Mixing them is not advised. 012624b3251ab1c8e7f934bc0c0b2484
  14. Don’t waste time trying to be trendy. Instead, strive to be a trendsetter. Mean-Girls-Meme-Fetch-05
  15. For the majority, no serious consequences will occur when your kid eats something that has touched the floor. It’s okay…relax.
  16. The best stories occur while your kids are on the toilet. I’m pretty sure my Facebook feed has been flooded with funny stories of things my children have done or said while on the toilet, in the bathroom, or having some relation to poop. 4013d2c3d7f8068ce2f291357b76447a
  17. There are more fun and creative ways to curse that your children can actually repeat and they have the added benefit of entertaining other people. POOP IN A BASKET! I don’t give a flying flock of frolicking catfish! “Fudgin’ touch me again and I’ll fudgin’ kill ya!” – Dean Winchester. However, sometimes it’s just nice to say the real thing. I don’t know why. It doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’ve just been married to my F-bomb dropping husband too long, but either way, sometimes it just feels good not to censor yourself.
  18. When you become a mom, you talk about poop a lot.
  19. “What is that smell?” is not an altogether uncommon thought.
  20. “Put that in your juice box and suck it” is probably the best line I’ve ever taught my children.  I am not ashamed. (Yes, there is a story behind this.)
  21. I will likely never master the art of keeping things “short and sweet.” I’m sorry. Actually, no…no I’m not. Suck it up.
  22. What is heard cannot be unheard. What is seen, cannot be unseen. 6f220603_what-has-been-seen
  23. Money isn’t everything. We need it to survive, & it’s nice to have a little extra, but there’s always more to be made. You can’t make more time & do-overs don’t exist. Prioritize what’s important to you and spend your time & money on those things as much as possible.
  24. Everybody compromises. Sometimes your ideologies take a backseat to your immediate needs. It’s okay to barely get by as long as you do get by. It’s okay to just be ‘okay.’
  25. Sometimes you’re the pigeon and sometimes you’re the statue. It’s just how life works.
  26. It’s okay if you don’t fart rainbows and sunshine 100% of the time. You don’t always have to be positive. Good days and bad days are part of being human. Embrace them for what they are and just keep moving forward.
  27. You should never stop having weird conversations.
  28. Laundry is never-ending so there’s really no rush to fold it. As long as it gets washed and dried, I don’t really care where it goes after that.
  29. I will never be adult enough to know how to properly fold a fitted sheet. A ball in the closet is good enough. 1021cef94d717a7ade3dcc5ab1c7b713
  30. “You can never have too much butter” is still the best life lesson I’ve received. Thanks Grandma.

Bonus lesson: Coke > Pepsi. Thanks Granddaddy.

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Happy Birthday to me! I have no idea what I’ll be doing, but I really hope it includes Jensen Ackles James Dean (my husband, not the dead actor. Ew.)

My Eight Year Old Has Yoda-Wisdom

Happy Almost Christmas everybody! I hope you’re all ready for the holidays, snuggled up with warm socks by warm fireplaces eating Christmas cookies or whatever it is you do for the holidays. For those of you who are missing loved ones or just stressing in general, my heart goes out to you. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but a pair of warm socks really improved my outlook on life this morning…I urge you to try it if you’re feeling less-than-cheerful. 🙂

Anyway, this post was inspired by Progressive (and maybe a tiny bit by all the Star Wars fans). For real. My girls and I were watching TV together this morning and that silly, misogynist Progressive commercial came on. If you don’t know which one, I’ve linked it below:

http://ispot.tv/a/AYG6

I was so proud of my girls because both of them just rolled their eyes at it & laughed. “Where’s her husband? She doesn’t have to have a husband. Crazy man.” My girls are often such silly little creatures, but they are also super, extra special! It made me think of a conversation with a friend the other day in which it was suggested that girls learn to become co-dependent from the womb. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this and decided it’s ultimately true.

In utero, we’re all dependent on our mother’s care to keep us alive. As babies, we depend on our parents for our every need. For boys, the older they get the more independent they’re taught to be. When they fall and scrape their knees they’re told to get up and walk it off. “Stop crying like a little girl.” (Which is another post entirely.)

It’s a little different for girls. We’re taught that we can be whatever we want to be, but somewhere along the way “whatever you want” turns into “someday you’ll meet a boy and you’ll want to get married and have a family…” and “someday when you’re married…” yada, yada, yada. We go from depending on our parents to depending on a man “to save us” from…I don’t know what…loneliness? Having to pay our own bills? I mean, really, I’m not sure why females automatically get handed the role of damsel in distress and boys must automatically assume the role of the provider. (Like that’s all either of us can be??) It’s pretty typical though. Little girls then spend their whole lives dreaming about their fairytale wedding day and then pitying themselves when it doesn’t happen in the timeframe they’ve allotted for themselves. Single at 30, anyone?

Because that’s what this whole life is about, right? Getting married. Having a family. We’re conditioned from a very young age to believe that our ultimate goals in life should consist of fairytale romances and a prince to whisk us off to his castle in the sky to make all the babies.

Some of These are great things and I’m not knocking them in any way. I myself enjoy my family and my marriage more than anything, and to be perfectly honest, I never wanted that when I was growing up. Getting married and having a family just wasn’t a goal for me. I thought it meant sacrificing everything else I wanted: college, a career, happiness in general. Now, I couldn’t picture anything better.

Having said that, I want to teach my girls that they can be anything they want to be and that includes single. Even at thirty. Being single doesn’t make you sad. It doesn’t make you pathetic and lonely. It doesn’t mean your life is wildly off track or that you’re destined to be a cat lady. By all means, if you want to be a cat lady, be a cat lady! I’m just saying that no matter what age and stage you may be at in your life, it can still be whatever you want it to be. You have the power to mold your life into whatever you want it to look like. Boys don’t have to be falling over themselves for your attention in order for you to feel validated and worthy. This goes for boys, too. Life is about much more than what the opposite sex thinks of you. Period.

e7accf4a634d77baaa166c418e376a24I want to encourage my kids to really stop and take inventory of their lives and their goals, to determine if what they have decided they want is really what they chose for themselves, or just an idea that someone else has established for them. If they don’t want to be married and have a ton of babies, awesome! If they really do want marriage, awesome! If they want to run away with the circus…well, I guess that has the potential to be awesome, too. As much as I want them all to be independent and free-thinking, I also want them to know that marriage doesn’t have to mean co-dependence either. It doesn’t mean that this other person is going to come in and create all your happiness for you, but it can be a joyful experience all the same. I asked The Cuteness (my 8 year old) where her happiness comes from and she said, “my heart.” I thought that was a pretty great answer.

We create our own happiness.

You might as well stop waiting for Prince Charming, let go of any expectations that other people have set for you and your life, and just start LIVING! Start enjoying your life for what it is, wherever you’re at in this moment. It’ll be hard at first if you’ve always operated under the impression that you can’t be alone, but the more you do it the more liberating and enjoyable it will be. Learn to be okay with yourself/your life and you’ll never need to worry about needing anyone else; they’ll just be a bonus. 🙂

Merry Christmas my lovelies!

Yes Silly, Of Course The Tooth Fairy Has Email!

When you’re a crappy Tooth Fairy you have to get creative. I sent my daughter an email this morning. 
  
Dear {Princess Sassypants},
I am emailing you because I wanted you to get this as soon as possible and also because your parents have a reputation for firing Tooth-fairies and I don’t want to be next! 

I’m so sorry I was unable to collect your tooth on time. Please allow me to explain: Yesterday was a super busy day for the Tooth Fairy. There were LOTS of children who lost teeth and so many of them even go to your school! 
I collected all the teeth I could, but then my satchel got full and I couldn’t carry it anymore. I had to call the ToothCab (the Tooth Fairy Taxi Cab Service) to come pick me up because I couldn’t fly with all those teeth. 
It took the Taxi two hours to come pick me up (he says he ran into some elf or something on the way, but I’m not sure I believe him. He was probably just rolling around in pixie dust again) and when he finally got there it was nearly time for me to stop collecting anyway. I still had 13 teeth to collect! 
Anyway, I noticed that you got up earlier than usual this morning so I wasn’t able to come back and get your tooth yet. I’m sorry dear. 
I’ll come get yours (& all the other teeth I couldn’t fit in my satchel) tonight and there will be an extra special prize from me included under your pillow.
Can you take care of the tooth until then? 

Thank you for being so kind to me {Princess Sassypants}. I’m so proud to have the honor of collecting your teeth! Please ask your parents to give me another shot. They just want their kids to have the best Tooth Fairy, and I want to be that Fairy!

Love,

The Toothiest Tooth Fairy That Ever Fairied Teeth 

Care to share your Tooth Fairy fails & successes?

I Broke It On Purpose!

This photo was brought to my attention & my name is on the list. 

  
I have an announcement for the nincompoop that made this & the hopeful expression it may have caused to pass across my husband’s face. 

  
To All Whom It May Concern:

This facility has been closed for business. All personnel and valuable equipment have been safely evacuated. Utilities have been shut off, entrances boarded, “Keep Out” signs posted, and sustainable energy sources depleted so as to effectively condemn this location to all life forms, human or otherwise. No rental space available. No storage allowed. 

Any individuals caught attempting to squat in, use, repurpose, or otherwise restore this establishment shall be swiftly apprehended and sent home with a “nice try” sticker and a free puppy. 

Thank you for your consideration.

– Beth’s Baby Factory

Poll: Dem or Deez?

You know what happens when you go to the store for 15 minutes and leave your kids with your most awesome guy friend? You come home to find your daughters & his daughters have formed an alliance to make him “get his gorgeous on” using your makeup and items from your closet. 
    This dress is from my high school prom, but guess what?! I can still wear it! (And apparently so can bearded men…)

  
So, inquiring minds want to know:

Who wore it better? Chris looks pretty fabulous, but his brown boots are totally clashing with my black dress. Cast your vote in the comments! It’s all in fun! 🙂 
 

*****^^^^^^Deez^^^^^^ or ^^^^^^Dem^^^^^^???*****
 
Many thanks to my friend Jamie for the picture of me and for allowing me to publicly share photos of her husband playing dress up with my things. Because that’s not weird at all. (That’s not sarcasm…I mean it. My friends are the best!) 

Go (Un)Funk Yourself

I’ve noticed an unfortunate trend occuring in my life this year: I’ve been experiencing more bad days than good ones. I decided I’d like to do something about it. Here are just a few ideas. Every time I’m feeling off or in a funk (angry, morose, restless, melancholy, etc.) for no apparent reason…

  1. I may just drop where I stand and do random yoga poses. Upset with the kids or the hubs? Down Dog in the cereal isle. (Or the parking lot, living room, doctor’s office…wherever. Nevermind…scratch the doctor’s office. I’m not due for a colonoscopy just yet.) Anyway, the point is it’ll make them stop & wonder what the heck I’m up to & provide myself with endless entertainment in the form of private laughter and strange expressions. I just hope my butt crack isn’t showing & that there are no proctologists nearby.
That's me...doin' the yoga.
That’s me…doin’ the yoga.
  1. Make random monkey noises. Because why the hell not?
  2. Swear. It’s not productive. It helps nothing. But sometimes it just makes me feel like a ducking rockstar. 9f7
  3. Do my hair, put my face on…general girl stuff. 10568916_277400622445527_7297311134669757539_n
  4. Watch this. It never fails to put a smile on my face. 
  5. Or this: this always helps, too. 
  6. Sing!
  7. Bake pie. cherry-pie
  8. And then attempt to lure Dean Winchester with it. My trap will be an infallible, inescapable device consisting of a stick holding up a box which houses the delicious goodness that is pie, plus all the Busty Asians magazines Dean can wish for.
  9. And when that doesn’t work, I’ll just give the pie to my husband because he will actually appreciate it.
  10. Give myself a Jamicure.
  11. Ride a unicorn.
  12. Remember there are no unicorns & then make one out of a stick, a birthday party hat, & some glitter.
  13. Take my stick unicorn with me everywhere I go. It’ll be a conversation piece.
  14. Watch Disney movies. All of them! Except The Fox & The Hound. *evil eyes*
  15. Listen to happy music! And then listen to more happy music.
  16. Answer the phone a different way all day. First I’ll be Hermione. Then I’ll answer it and say, “it’s done, but there’s blood everywhere! What now?!” I can be Scottish, Polish, and a New Yorker all in one day. Maybe I’ll even answer it in the voice of Shrek.
  17. Respond to all my text messages in emoji’s only. article-2729871-20AA7A2200000578-266_306x447
  18. Respond to my texts in song titles only. Or just respond to them all with this video: 
  19. Dance in front of people because it will either make all of us laugh or cry and if you’re having a bad day, usually doing one of those will make it a little better.
  20. Day drink. Because that’s a healthy coping strategy. (Kidding Mom.)11713891_10153364570679845_1835697619543952316_o

What do you do when you’re in a funk? Talk to me!

Why I Won’t Stab You With A Fork For The Last Piece Of Fried Chicken

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This photo warms my heart. 🙂 These people are definitely on to something. In a way, this reminds me of my family. Everybody has their dysfunctions in life, but sharing has never been one of ours. Our belief is this:

“If I’ve got it, you have it. If you’ve got it, I have it. If neither of us has it we don’t need it.”

One thing I’ve noticed that we share more than anything else is food. Makes sense, right? Food sustains us, but it also brings us together. Every time someone comes over, the first thing we do is ask them if they’re hungry or planning to stay for supper. I am not even kidding you…my family can vouch for this. You better think twice before you come to my house if you’re on any sort of diet, lol.

“Go get something to eat! Everything’s deep fried and delicious! You’re on a diet? Oh….well take a diet vacation, this is some good food!”

I’ve been thinking about this lately & it makes me realize how incredibly blessed we are. Even when our refrigerator, freezer &/or pantry has been nearly empty, we still find a way to throw something delicious edible together. We may have ten or more extra people at our house; we still share. And you know what? We never truly run out. We laugh, we enjoy each others company, we get annoyed with each other, we disagree, we hug, we love each other, we give without a second thought & we do all this while shoveling food in our mouths. 😉

It always seems to be just enough or, as is most often the case, more than enough.

This is worth celebrating to me because so many people are going without, and for no reason because there is more than enough to go around! Why are we not sharing it?!

My family and I are not rich by any means and most of the time, after our bills are paid, my husband and I sit around wondering where we’re going to find the money for groceries. Despite the uncertainty, we still offer to share openly & willingly, without any hesitation whatsoever. Each time we do this, we manage to find a way to afford groceries or we refer to our aforementioned “if I’ve got it, you’ve got it” rule and everyone in the family contributes something until there’s enough to go around. Twice.

We always have enough for our family of five, not to mention the other four people that live in the house with us, the nearly constant flow of visitors, AND the 15 kids (give or take a few) we may likely have with us over any given weekend.

With so much greed & hatred infecting our entire way of life, I think a little sharing goes a long way. It doesn’t even have to be food. Share love, kindness, empathy, share a blanket…share a paper sack & a wish sandwich with a homeless man for all care, but share something with someone today. I promise you won’t run out; there is always enough to go around.

(Unless, of course, we’re talking about the last piece of chicken…all bets are off at this point. What? Don’t judge me. Titles & headlines were created to draw people in, not for their infallible accuracy.) 🙂

My Son The Garbage Man (Support Group For Parents Of Hoarders)

As a rule, I don’t usually clean my children’s rooms for them. It is their personal space, their mess, and their responsibility. For reasons that are not pertinent to this post I have decided to break that rule.

I am sitting, at this very moment, inside the confines of my son’s tiny closet trying to decide whether I should be proud of his attempts to save, recycle, and/or reuse absolutely everything or if now would be the perfect occasion to decide I’m OCD and just start hyperventilating in here.

Fortunately, OCD has never been my thing and I find this too funny not to stop what I’m doing and share immediately.

I am only on the third shelf of the closet and already I have found a strange and varied assortment of odd things my son has viewed as worthy of occupying the meager amount of space available to him.

• 1 empty glass bottle
• 2 empty plastic bottles (all bottles grouped together neatly on one shelf, set upright, and ready to be used for purposes unknown to me.)
• 3 separate assortments of broken glass (one of which happened to be a vase I loved. I expressly told him to throw it away. I just cut my finger on it. *evil eyes*)
• One decorative jar that was once upon a time sitting on the mantle above my fireplace. It now has stale bread and what looks like dried toothpaste inside it.
• Dental floss of all kinds. The roll out floss. The floss on plastic sticks that are packaged and sold for ease of use. Used floss. The only thing that saved me from throwing up my supper is my ability to tell myself, “well…at least I know he uses floss now.” We just have to work on the throwing it away part.
• 1 gallon jug of soapy water which I can only assume is in preparation for the apocalypse.
• A tree. Okay…so it wasn’t a tree. It was just a branch from a dead Christmas tree.
• 2 cheap plastic drinking glasses from Carnival Cruise Lines. We’ve never been on a cruise….
• A wide assortment of rocks & batteries
• The skulls of both a deer and a cat that he found in the yard and my husband cleaned for him so he could keep them. *evil eyes again* I don’t think those have a very good chance of surviving my clean up. We shall see.
• 3 love notes. In one of them he is asked if he can marry & kiss his then-girlfriend. His initial answer? “Maybe.” But I remember this day. He came home and asked me if kissing was appropriate for someone of his age (10) and I said perhaps it wasn’t. He responded again on the back side of the love note saying, “I love you too hunny but I can’t kiss you yet.”
Thank. God.
• 4 hats that he never wears, one of which is just advertising for Jay Auto Mall. ?? Another looks like it may have belonged to an Uncle Sam impersonator diagnosed with a severe case of dementia.
• A license plate literally hanging from a clothes hanger in his closet. I don’t even know why he would want to keep it, but apparently it’s important because it’s hanging up. His clothes aren’t hanging, but that license plate is!! 🙂 At least now I know he does, in fact, know what hangers are and how to use them.

This is just the closet. Only God knows what resides in his dresser, under his mattress and inside the toy box he never opens anymore. May the force be with me as I continue the pursuit of cleanliness.

What weird things do you find in your kids’ rooms (or anywhere else: your car, purse, refrigerator)? Am I the only one whose offspring is an aspiring garbage man? Please tell me I’m not alone…