What’s In Your Purse?

As you all know, a woman’s purse is a magical jungle of mystery with which she is often accused of “carrying around the kitchen sink,” or “carrying everything but the kitchen sink.” What’s this obsession with sinks, guys? Maybe you don’t like the pile of receipts, the business cards or the first aid kit we carry around in the deep, dark depths of our bags, but A.) it sure comes in handy when you need to return something, find a store you wanted to visit, but can’t remember the name of, or when you need a band-aid!  B.) It’s our shoulders & arms being weighed down so if we want to carry a diaper bag, 49 kinds of lip balm , a camera & enough water to supply a small developing country for a month, we can!

Today I’m going to show you the contents of my purse. I was hoping it would be like it usually is (with something ridiculous inside which has a great story) but it was surprisingly tame this time around.

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I would also like to point out that I’m not much of a purse person to be honest – I prefer wallets – but I’ve found one to be necessary and helpful since I’ve had kids. I’ve discovered I like small ones because I’m not a “kitchen sink” kind of girl & also because my purse usually ends up looking like a homemade cheerio bomb exploded in it & thus, it’s best not to give myself too much room to play with. I have two favorites: My denim purse which my really creative & talented friend, Taryn, made for me out of a favorite pair of my jeans, and this little Hogwarts purse, which when looking at it from the outside looks small and innocuous enough, but when you open it…

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My enormous wallet is hiding most of the mess, but I promise you it’s not pretty in there. Let’s see what we’ve got.

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  • Keys
  • Wallet > Inside the wallet > receipts, earbuds
  • Not Pictured because I forgot to include it in any of my collages is another set of earbuds that were just loose in my purse. I had to move a set off the side table to take all these pictures too. Count ’em – that’s 3 sets of earbuds. Clearly I have a problem.

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  • An old shopping list. I left it in my purse because this shopping list came out of the planner that I made & printed for myself and there were still blanks left to fill.
  • Tons of receipts. I hope I put all these in my Walmart Savings Catcher…
  • Two of my daughter’s book fair wish lists, some of which she received for Christmas this year

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  • Pills for energy, allergies, and headaches. What’s funny about this is that anyone who knows me knows I don’t take medicine of any kind unless it’s absolutely necessary. I can’t even stick to a vitamin regiment. I prefer a mostly holistic approach to health. The only one of these I would actually take (very rarely) is the Excedrin. Everything else was just stuff that my husband left in my car and I threw in my purse meaning to give back to him.

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  • A random glove. The only explanation I have for that is that I have a son, but he’s long since grown out of these gloves & we have no idea where the mate is, so I have no idea why it’s in my purse.
  • Cleaning cloth for my glasses (which are not on my face) & a shameless advertisement for Dr. Moore. I’m wearing my contacts today and my glasses are in the bedroom on my headboard. My case for my glasses is in a basket on the other side of the living room, & evidently the cleaning cloth lives in my purse. I feel like this is a metaphor for my life. All the pieces are within reach, but I do not have my stuff together. Lol

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  • An old lottery ticket. Again, not mine as I don’t play the lottery. The closest I get is scratching tickets that other people buy.
  • An old business card for the guy who used to do our taxes
  • An old Marathon gas card which I fear no longer has a balance, but instead of checking the balance like a reasonable human being, I randomly swipe it at the gas pump only for “please see attendant” to pop up on the screen, at which point I just pull out another card because I prefer not to see the attendant.
  • A bunch of other cards. Dog grooming, The Winey Winch (where I am going to go consume wine and paint one of these weekends), some other cards which weren’t important enough for me to retain the names of, a Winn-Dixie card, & a bunch of library cards.

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  • 57 pens, sharpie & a dry erase marker (?) in case I come across a white board I want to sign like a middle-schooler? I don’t know. “Beth Wuz Here X
  • A random piece of tissue paper
  • Allen wrenches, a piece of Trident which I bravely opened and pleasantly discovered is watermelon flavor, 11 cents, a 50 cent Euro piece (we have Euros all over the place we’ve been too lazy to collect in one place to exchange) and another random piece of tissue paper not even big enough for my kids to wipe a booger on.
  • A knife because sometimes you need to open a package, clean your nails, or cut someone.
  • Purell, because you’re gonna need to sanitize after you cut someone
  • Lip balm, because what kind of person would I be if I didn’t have lip balm in my purse?
  • Campho Phenique which I keep on me mostly because my husband is always buying and losing them. This way, I always know where one is if someone needs it.
  • Contact lens case #3. #1 is on my bathroom sink, #2 is in my toiletry bag and I keep one in my purse for emergencies so that if I have to take my contacts out for whatever reason they won’t dry out. However, this bit of logic does me absolutely no good considering I don’t have a small bottle of cleaning solution in my purse or my glasses. No preparedness girl scout patch for me. *sad face*

The contents of my purse was pretty lame this time around. Please tell me you can do better?! Entertain me with the contents of your own purses & comment below! At the most, we’ll both get a laugh and at the least you’ll have a clean purse. 🙂

 

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Harry Potter & Sam Merlotte Walk Into A…White Supremacist Meeting? Wait…What?

imperium-poster-daniel-radcliffeTonight I rented Imperium from Redbox. If you’ve never heard of it, it’s a Daniel Radcliffe movie. He hasn’t done many movies that I’ve actually enjoyed since Harry Potter, but I keep watching them anyway because…well, because I don’t know why, okay?!

Anyway, Imperium was disturbing, engaging, kinda heart-breaking (not as heart-breaking – nor as boring – as December Boys though), & really, (surprisingly) very good.

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I mean, I know they say not to judge a book (or a movie as it were) by its cover, but come on…it even looks like a low-rate B-movie.

Thank you, Daniel Radcliffe, for redeeming your participation in that disaster called “Horns” by doing something meaningful.

tumblr_mx5roowaxi1rszkkto2_250Also, thanks for shaving your head; you no longer look like James Potter & Severus Snape had a weird magical baby, but rather, an attractive, blue-eyed piece of velcro. I would have said a “rather attractive, blue-eyed cue ball” but you still had something left on top which looked like it might have been very effective in gathering the stray dog hair off my furniture.

If it’s not clear, that was my unorthodox version of a compliment; allow me to rephrase: I liked it. I also liked that Sam Merlotte – or, as he was named at birth, Sam Trammel – was in it. I’m sure they could have used your fuzzy new head to help with his character’s fur problems on the set of True Blood. Yeah, I know I’m not funny. Sorry. Moving on.

For anyone considering watching it, here are a few notes/advisories for you:

  • It’s not kid-friendly
  • There’s only a small bit of actual violence, but a fair amount of implied violence
  • a lot of harsh language/hate speech

Do with those what you will. Let me know if you’ve seen it or decide to watch it and what you think.

Now, who else really wants to see Harry go back to Hogwarts with a shaved head and a devil-may-care attitude? Show of hands? Anybody?

Hey, Assbutt!

The challenge for today, Day 3, is to write about my favorite quote. Again, I’m finding myself in a pickle because I don’t have a favorite quote. If you really know me you probably expect me to be able to pull something right off the top of my head from Harry Potter or Supernatural or any number of other books and series’ which I love. I can pull something off the top of my head, but I don’t know that I would single any one of them out as being my favorite. Favorite things change as rapidly as the people themselves & their circumstances do. Even so…if I were forced at gunpoint to pick something I believe is important, inspiring or powerful and call it “my favorite” at this current moment I think I’d have to go with a Dumbledore quote.

Searching the inter-webs for a picture of one yielded many and as a result I have a little collection for you:

Which one is my favorite? It depends on the day. On days when I’m feeling hopeless (i.e being attacked by dementors) I would say my favorite is “happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” When I find myself focusing far too much on what I wish I had than the abundant & amazing things I DO have, Dumbledore’s voice reminds me that ‘it does not do to dwell on dreams & forget to live.’ Okay, well…maybe it’s not Dumbledore’s voice – that would be a little schizo – but you get the point. On the other side of the same coin, sometimes strange things happen in my head. They could be dreams or daydreams or just quick random thoughts. None of it is real…but what if it is, in a sense? Everyone’s reality and perception is a little different & in those cases I really like that Dumbledore says, essentially, that even if something is only happening inside your head it doesn’t make it less real. That nightmare I had about a demon sitting on my back was pretty friggin’ real to me, okay?! (I haven’t told you guys about that, but I will if you’re interested. It was a pretty wicked dream.)

“We are only as strong as we are united; as weak as we are divided.” That seems quite apropos for our current societal/economic/political issues. Dumbledore for president!”Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic…” yup, I definitely identify with that one. My words are pretty inexhaustible; I’m still working on the magic part. I could continue, but I think you get my point. My favorite quotes are ones which can be applied; not the ones that just sound smart or pretty – I like the ones you can use in everyday life.

I also like quotes for their comedic value, because they make me smile whether I hear them in or out of context. That’s pretty much where all my Supernatural quotes come in. That show has a lot of heartfelt themes regarding family and love, which is great, but one of my favorite moments is this one:

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“Hey, Assbutt” is even my alert when my husband texts me. I could go for days with these quotes, but I’m going to stop with this one because I have laundry that needs to be folded. Such an exciting life I lead… 🙂 What are your favorite quotes? Are any of the ones I listed also on your list, or are you a rare sort of unicorn who only has one favorite quote?

Boogering

A couple weeks ago I shared a rather disturbing photo of a Harry Potter Booger Vulture. Then I had the following conversation on Facebook that brought about this post…and this one.

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I decided I should probably give boogers the attention they deserve since I already posted about them once and still have to share the results of the poll that I took.

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Speaking of the poll I took, here are the results. It is not just a Harry Potter Booger Vulture…it’s now a love child from some freaky animal/wizard orgy. Must have been the result of a Winter Solstice celebration. O.o

The problem with that is that boogers already get far more attention than they actually deserve. We’re blowing them, wiping them, picking them, sucking them in, and in the case of babies, sucking them out with those big scary booger suckers.

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Our kids have also been known to play with them and even eat them a time or two. After all that, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m so over boogers. With that said, I genuinely hope this is the last booger related post I ever do.

Since I’m a mom…my future in that department isn’t looking too bright.

 

Smile! It’s Friday!

Whenever I’m in a crappy mood there are a few things that never fail to cheer me up.

This is one. My sincerest thanks to Supernatural & the Internet.

This is another.

10473756_10152841403969845_5573140089875568108_nAnd if that isn’t funny to you then you obviously need to watch this video because you’ve been missing out hiding under a rock. (And missing out).

Happy Friday, y’all! If you don’t mind, maybe take another stab at voting on the Booger Vulture? Right now everything is tied at 22% which tells me you guys don’t know what it is either, lol. I need a tie-breaking vote 🙂

 

The Mystery of The Harry Potter Booger Vulture

Remember how I was talking about how funny being a mom is? Well, I’m back with another example. I was cleaning my kids’ bathroom when I looked to the wall opposite the toilet and I saw this:

boogervultureWe’re calling it the “Booger Vulture,” but really it could be anything. Someone even suggested it resembles Harry Potter on his broom stick which I can totally see. As a huge Harry Potter fan, I’m considering leaving it there as a decoration. Maybe it’s even magical? (I do know it pulls paint off like magic when scrubbed upon).

In honor of parental weirdness & the unconventional, grossly improvisational art utensils of children, I’m taking a poll. As you can clearly see, this is a matter of utmost importance, the likes of which all the world depends on you casting your vote. The encouragement and creativity of children is at stake here. I need you all to lend your voices to this discussion or else the world shall never know whether this is indeed a Booger Vulture, Harry Potter or something etched on the wall from poop. The children need you (to cast your vote). Results will be posted on a(n as yet undetermined) day.

 

 

Harry Potterotica & Why I Love It

No, I don’t actually like Harry ‘Potterotica’ so let’s go ahead and get that out of the way first. However, it is relevant. Between these two videos is everything I ever wanted to say on behalf of the treatment of women & the pornography industry which I absolutely detest. I wish I had even a speck of the talent & vision these two ladies have. And the best part? Somehow Harry Potter is involved & I love me some Harry Potter.

Disclaimer:

Before you click on either of these videos, please be aware that the content therein is not suitable for children or work. There is explicit language and sexual references in both (particularly the first), but at the same time, they are both profound and powerful. I hope that men and women alike will take a look at these and let the words sink in.

If you liked that one, feel free to like her Facebook page 🙂

That was Madiha Bhatti and the only place I’ve been able to find more about her is here. I think she’s pretty incredible. 🙂

Thanks for reading/watching and please feel free to share this post or any other ones that you may have liked. My post on what feminism is and is not would be a good one to go along with this one. 🙂 I want everyone to hear what these women are saying!! This is the world we’re raising young men and women in; the way we treat each other needs to change yesterday.

Wordpress DJ

I took requests today. Not musical requests. Even better; writing requests; ergo I’m a wordpress DJ, y’all. Let’s see where it gets me.

My Facebook post requesting requests (yeah, that’s a thing) was endowed with a plethora of ideas, all of which I am pretty much jumping out of my skin with excitement about. One friend in particular had some awesomely unique ideas on what she was interested in hearing me preach write about. I’m totally indecisive so I’m going to fit as many of them into one post as possible and pray it doesn’t surpass the word count of a Twilight novel.

First, let’s just focus on the fact that I used the word “ergo.” Ergo is the same as “hence” or “therefore” yet people (in my general area) tend to think it’s this fancy word not suitable to pass through the lips (or fingertips) of Booger-Bottom/Manchester folks. (And yes, Out-Of-Town-Readers, Booger-Bottom is a for real place and no, you will not find it on Google Maps.) Can we just clear something up? Ergo doesn’t actually classify as a “big word.” Just because you don’t use it doesn’t make it a “big” or “fancy” word. Just because you think it’s spelled “air-go” doesn’t make it fancy either. On the same note, using ergo doesn’t make you smart, but does make you seem smarter. Some of y’all might want to give it a try…just sayin’. Experiment!! >> The next time you have to do a report for school, pull out the thesaurus and use it to bulk up your paper with vernacular even your English teacher probably hasn’t seen and you’ll likely pass just because he or she doesn’t want to have to pull out the dictionary to discern the meaning of your essay or admit to an acne-faced teen that their intelligence has been challenged by a tall wad of walking hormones. I personally think any 15 year old that can use “loquacious” correctly in a sentence deserves at least a 10 point head start on all the other kids. Even more if said teenager will openly admit to being a pretentious turd with full knowledge of what the word “pretentious” means. Just don’t pull a Stephenie Meyer or an E. L. James; let’s save terms like “incredulously” and “wanton” for glittery vampire BDSM novels, m’kay?

Speaking of Stephenie Meyer:

A.) Her name is Stephenie Meyer. Not Stephanie Meyer. Not Stephanie Meyers. No “a” in her first name, no “s” in her last.

B.) Why were there no lemurs in Twilight? Lemurs are obviously reincarnated Cullens. Or Cullens are reincarnated from lemurs; take your pick.

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Just look at their eyes. And the sitting position. Totally related.

In the scene where Edward-Lemur-Hands walks into the sunlight for the first time, there was something missing. They had the sunlight, they had the pasty, weirdly semi-hairy bird-chest, they even CGI’d some (decidedly pathetic) abs on the man. But they were missing a very important part. The part where Edward’s lemur relation recognizes the glittering epidermis and golden eyes of his kin and thus propels himself from the tree directly above only to land precisely onto Edward’s head, clamp his little lemur claws around Mr. Cullen’s face and proceed to give him enthusiastic, dangerous, family reunion worthy “grandma-has-your-cheeks-in-a-death-grip” type hugs and teeth-baring, rabies-inducing kisses. Of course Edward, with all his vampire speed and strength, would freak out and immediately begin running causing the velocity and intensity of the wind itself to rip the entire coat of fur from the poor lemur’s body, leaving him naked and creating a sort of lemur-shaped hat for Edward to wear over his bouffant. His HORRIBLE, giggle-worthy bouffant. So horrible, in fact, that wearing a lemur hat over it actually makes it BETTER. Then, the lemur relative would have no choice but to become wildly offended and embarrassed that his own flesh and blood would be so crude as to depants him in front of a lady thus causing him to recruit the entire village of lemurs from all the Madagascar movies to Forks, Washington for purposes of Cullen-Clan Ass Kicking. Forget the Volturi; The Lemurs are the ones to be feared.

Immediately after the lemurs on the “Fear Me Scale” would be the zebra because important philosophical musings questioning whether a zebra is more white or more black could only lead to political debates on racism and supremacy that no one in Forks (or Spoons or wherever the heck you people live) would want to stick around for. That racial stuff just gets downright nasty and is entirely unnecessary. Stay. Away. From. The. Zebra’s! Don’t cross the lemurs, but don’t even speak to the zebra’s.

Those zebra’s are hard core, man.

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They will trap you and get you to say things that will inevitably offend them. They’re like (some) women.

Exhibit A:

Woman: “Honey, does this make me look fat?”

Man: “No. You look beautiful.”

Woman: “You lying sack of _______ ***** _______*@#!$!!!!”

Exhibit B:

Woman: “Honey, does this make me look fat?”

Man: “Um….”

Woman: “I can’t believe you just said that you _______*@#!$!!!!”

Exhibit C:

Woman: “Honey, does this make me look fat?”

Man: “Yup.”

Woman: *cries – followed with numerous, snotty expletives.*

Just like zebra’s, there’s no winning with (some) women either. It’s best just to stay away from words like “fat” and “lose” and “weight” and “diet” and “antidisestablishmentarianism.” If you want your zebra lady to lose weight, the best thing you can do is start working out yourself. Encourage her to do activities with you that will be fun and get you out doing things together, but will also burn calories. Then you’re getting hot again, she’s getting hot again and you’re not being an ass about it. Win-win. Same works for men except you might have better luck getting them to run if you hi-jack the TV remote, put on some Nike’s and jog around the neighborhood blasting “Eye Of The Tiger” and holding aforementioned remote above your head like the golden egg in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.

That’s about all the golden nuggets of wisdom I have in me today. I hope it made you laugh. Just saying the word “nuggets” makes me laugh. I’ll be back tomorrow (or Monday) with more McNuggets. *chuckle* I don’t know if they’ll be golden, but they’ll be interesting, that’s for sure. Thanks to everyone who contributed an idea to my writing list. I’m going to try to touch on all of them in the coming weeks. Have a great (zebra-free) weekend!

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Can you believe the way this scandalous heffa is hatin’ on the zebra? I’m shocked and appalled.

Do-Overs: Live & Re-live

I want a do-over! Everyone wants a do-over on something, right?

(Dear Person Who Is Going To Eventually Invent A Working Time Machine,

Get on this do-over business for us, mkay?

Thanks!

Sincerely,

The Entire World)

But, who says the do-over has to be reserved only for experiences which were less than what you envisioned? I think they should apply also to those things you enjoyed so much that you want to re-visit the first time over and over again.

So, as if you care, here is a list of things on which I’d like a do-over:

  • The reading of a certain young adult series with feminine, glittery vampires. Okay, I admit it – I read Twilight and I LOVED it. I shall wear my shame with pride! (***And the award for Most Ironic & Nonsensical Statement of the Day goes to…..***) The first time I read it, it just grabbed me. I won’t say it’s the best written story of all time or that the sparkly vampire business isn’t a bit gay, but when I initially read it, I loved it. I devoured the entire series in four days and during that four days, I can’t remember doing a single household chore, cooking, eating, sleeping and sadly, even bathing. My children were probably wandering around the house frantically croaking “Mommy!” while scraping the crumbling remains of day-old Cheerios off the floor to nibble on. I wish that everything I could read had the power to captivate me like those books did. (Except for maybe the bathing part. A girl can take a book to the bathtub with her!) Also, Dear DFACS, I totally fed my kids while reading Twilight. Back off. KThxBye!
  • Watching Vampire Diaries for the first time. I know it’s sad that my first two do-overs involve vampires, but this is me we’re talking about. I have a bit of a slight (un)healthy obsession with the fanged and undead. Correction – the PRETTY fanged and undead. Not the undead as in The Walking Dead. That’s just Filthy McNasty. (Although the show is surprisingly awesome.) Anyway, getting back on track………….

I started watching Vampire Diaries when it was up to episode 11 of season 1. By the time they were up to episode 13 of season 1, I was already caught up and had been waiting a week for that episode to magically appear on iTunes. We were living in Germany, my husband was deployed, I didn’t sleep much and True Blood was on hiatus; I needed something to do. So I gave TVD a shot and it was like crack, y’all. CRACK! When one episode went off, I immediately started another until I realized that I needed at least a couple of hours of sleep before walking the kids to school the next day and forced myself to shut the computer off. I couldn’t get enough of it. I want every time I watch that show to feel like it did when I was first starting it.

  • Dating the hubs. There are some things I’d like a do-over of just because they weren’t exactly the smoothest operations in the history of ever, but mostly I’d just like to go back to how fun everything was then. I was 16 and goofy and didn’t care that people thought I was certifiably insane. I said hi to random strangers in a Hammy The Squirrel sort of voice. And my boyfriend (now husband) adored that goofy version of me. It was silly and fun and adorable. And vomit-inducing to everyone else which just makes it that much more amusing for me! But then again, I LOVE things just the way they are now so maybe this isn’t do-over material so much as it is re-invention material. I just need to make it a point to have more fun. I was going to say I need to make it a point to be goofier, but if I get any goofier, this blog would probably explode from not being able to handle the copious amount of weirdness it is forced to contain.
  • The first time I told my son that little boy babies come from Home Depot and little girl babies come from Walmart. This is a weird thing to want to re-experience, I admit, but you didn’t see his precious little face trying to process this information. Priceless!
  • The first time I made apple pie from scratch. This one is a do-over I wanted because the first time was a complete FAIL. Luckily, I already redeemed myself in this area on Valentine’s Day. Say hello to my delicious friend:

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I made mini apple pies, too, but at least one of those turned out to look grotesquely (and hilariously) inappropriate for the interwebs. So naturally, I took a picture! And I’m going to tease you with the fact that a select few have seen this picture and can vouch for its grotesqueness and hilarity, but I can’t bring myself to post it here because…honestly, my mom reads this thing and there’s just no way…

  • Do-over number whatever: The time I said “Dear Baby Jesus” and “your eyes are so blue!” to Ian Somerhalder. Did I think the man didn’t know what color his eyes are? He’s probably used those puppies on women since the womb and here I am gushing at him about his genetic makeup. *head-desk* As soon as I saw the man, all viable cells vacated my brain and I NEED to redeem myself. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t remember me or that he still won’t remember me after I’ve made amends for my brainless first encounter with him. What matters is that I remember and I can’t live with that distinctly, stereotypically blonde moment hovering over my consciousness every time I see this picture (which is hanging in a place of honor in my office) with my stupid, fat-faced, goofy grin on it.

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  • 3rd Grade. All of third grade.

 

  • I’d like a do-over of that period when my two oldest kids were between the ages of 2 & 4. Not because I screwed it up or anything, but because I miss it and I’d absolutely record more of their little voices on my phone to later save to iTunes and play to myself on a regular basis. Their voices are so precious!

Side Note/Funny Story regarding the precious voices of my minions; I recorded a conversation while my husband was deployed the first time that went like this:

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: *Singing* I wonder if my daddy is coming back home…. *Pause* When he gets done beating the bad people up…*longer pause*

Me: Go ahead, finish your song!

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: I already! 

Me: Okay. *hears Minion #2 AKA Princess Sassypants singing aforementioned song in the background in her adorable barely 2 year old voice* Tell Daddy you love him.

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: I wuv you Daddy. I miss you!

Me: Princess Sassypants, come tell your daddy you love him. *She toddles over, doesn’t say anything* Come on, say ‘I love you, Daddy.’

Minion #2 AKA Princess Sassypants: Momma, I tink I poop!

That, I would not re-do in a million years except to keep it EXACTLY the same and hear it again and again 🙂

  • I would NOT like a do-over of pregnancy. Been there, done that, got the “PERMANENTLY OUT OF SERVICE” tattoo.
  • The time I let the kids watch Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire at the theater with the hubs and I. They were a bit too young for the whole rebirthing of a snake-like-looking-powerful-wizard/monster guy.
  • The time I let the hubs talk me into letting my young son watch The Lord of The Rings. He literally JUST got over being terrified of Smeagol and Gollum.
  • A few days ago when the kids and I did a table-top volcano experiment. That was fun. They smiled, they laughed, they played AND they learned. If we could relive that everyday, it would be fantastic.
  • The time I freaked my brother out with that Secret Circle theme music and he jumped 5 feet in the air from a laying position. Awesome!

I’m sure there’s more, but my do-overs aren’t exactly epic or anything so I’ll bore you no longer. 🙂 You tell me your do-overs now. They’ve got to be way more interesting than mine.

Until next time –

xoxo

And That’s Why I’m Scared Of Candy.

Show of hands: who has seen the very first Harry Potter movie &/or read the book?

Okay, Every-Single-Person-in-the-Universe-Above-the-Age-of-Ten, you can put your hands down now. You remember that scene where Ron & Harry first meet and they’re eating the candy together on the train? I can see it all flowing back to you.

Now, think of the Jelly Beans. No…not just mere Jelly Beans…Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, which are – evidently – much more superior to our simple, muggle Jelly Beans.

Now, think hard…do you remember what flavors Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans posses? Well, duhEvery Flavor. You’re right, but that includes even the disgusting flavors, yes? Fred or George (can’t remember which) according to Ron, swears they had a bogie flavored one once and Dumbledore had an earwax flavored one near the end. Here’s a little side-note before I get to my point:

How did George (or Fred) & Dumbledore know what boogers and earwax taste like? I’ll let you ponder that while I get back on track.

What do mythical, magical beans have to do with anything?

A lot considering I think I recently had a vomit flavored one disguised as a Creme Savor.

It looks innocent enough. It looks like creamy, sugary goodness, but it’s not. It’s NOT I tell you!!

Here’s the story –

I suspect that wizards have infiltrated our lives so heavily that they are now openly playing pranks on muggles.

My five year old daughter, The Cuteness, was awarded these seemingly innocuous little treats during a trip to the dentist doctor which took place on none other than picture day at school. So, of course, she was wearing one of her favorite pink dresses and had asked to have her hair put up in pig tails, which we then curled into perfect little ringlets. She is called The Cuteness after all.

So, everywhere we go in the doctor’s office, there seems to be someone there willing to spout out just how cute/gorgeous/pretty/beautiful/precious, etc. The Cuteness is. She eats it up, of course & honestly, so do I because what mother doesn’t want to be bombarded with acknowledgments that she and her honey made pretty babies?

At one point during the visit, a nursereceptionistassistant evil-prank playing witch Random Lady walked passed our exam room and took about three small steps backwards just to have a double take at The Cuteness. People cannot resist pink dresses and pig tails, I tell you!

The Random Lady proceeds to gush over The Cuteness and then leaves and The Cuteness and I go on about our waiting and think nothing of it. Then, The Random Lady comes back and in her hands she carries a gigantic bag of Creme Savers candies. (Which I suspect were hexed or else contained Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Nasties in them.)

The Cuteness’ eyes get as big as saucers and her tiny, 5 year old hands are itching to reach in and grab a handful. And grab a handful she does before The Random Lady says “get ya two handfuls!” Deceptively nice Random Lady, amiright? She’s got to be evil.

So The Cuteness smiles excitedly and dips her other hand in.

The Random Lady: Get ya two more handfuls!

The Cuteness: *not wasting a moment, dumps both hands in & pulls out two more kindergarten-size fistfuls of Creme Savers and says in her cute little voice….* Thank you!

She may rot her teeth out, but at least she has manners…

The Random Lady disappears once more and comes back with a bag for The Cuteness to put her spoils in, but that’s not all. OF COURSE NOT. I can only assume it’s customary in whatever land The Random Witch Lady comes from to help all the children rot their baby teeth out. In her hands, she is now holding 4 boxes of Hot Tamales.

And she gives them ALL to my daughter.

Thankfully, this is where The Random Lady (who was very sweet,*haha, pun!*) left us. And I mean to say that she left ME. She left me to deal with the little sugar monster that my sweet, adorable baby was going to morph into after being given all these Cavaties-In-A-Bag.

Luckily, my kid likes to share (most of the time) so she was very willing to offer me as many as I wanted & I thought sharing them with her brother and sister, too, might make the Sugar Monster a little less intense. I can’t say the same for the Cavity Monster, but that’s what they make dental floss for.

(Note to self: go buy more dental floss!)

The Cuteness hands me the raspberry flavored candy and tells me to try it. I know why she picked that one. I would have picked the orange one given a choice because I like that creme-sicle flavor, but if The Cuteness wants me to try the purple one, her favorite color, then try the purple one I shall. I’m always yelling at my kids about trying new foods and even though I’m pretty sure candy doesn’t count in that argument, The Cuteness does not agree so I need to set an example, right? Plus, it’s candy. Other than the fact that it coats your mouth in a sugary decay & was given to us by a Random Stranger Lady who I suspect is really a witch, it’s harmless.

When I put that piece of candy in my mouth, something just wasn’t right about it. I knew from the moment it touched my tongue…I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Until about 5 seconds after swishing it around on my taste-buds and then it was disgustingly clear what the problem was. This was not an ordinary raspberry creme saver. It was the vomit-flavored spawn of what used to be a raspberry creme saver and was now a concoction more appropriate for wizard beans.

And I don’t mean the after taste was like vomit…I very literally mean that the TASTE was VOMIT. Not like vomit, but just vomit, period. It had that acidic, acrid taste down to a science.

I try to put my wizard-prank theories aside and think rationally. Surely, these are expired Creme Savers. But what would a nurse be doing handing out expired creme savers to a child? Oh screw rationality! I’m not even sure she was a nurse. I don’t even know that she worked in the building. She could have been a figment of my imagination or she could have been a semi-villian whose mission in life is to torture children by giving them candy that they can’t eat! Or, the most likely scenario – she’s a witch playing a prank on muggle children because she can’t get away with fooling wizard children without ending up with a face full of boils.

Rational thinking interjects itself into my brain once again as I realize The Cuteness was eating it. And she was eating it with a smile so surely, they must taste good? I just got a bad one out of the batch and what I needed was to get another one to clear the horrible taste out of my mouth. So, I get The Cuteness to hand me a strawberry one because I know I like those. I know what they taste like and it’s a safe option for de-vomititizing my mouth.

Dear Baby Jesus…

The strawberry one tastes like regurgitation, too! It’s too much for me to handle having this horrid taste lingering in my mouth while watching The Cuteness scarf down these candies like they’re heaven in a little foil wrapper.

Why does she like them?! I can’t wrap my mind around it! Surely, if the strawberry one tastes just as vomity as the raspberry one, they all taste vomity. But I’m scared to try another to test the theory so I just ask the five year old.

“Do these taste funny to you?”

“No, Mommy. They taste good!”

Of course, she would say that. You could cover a cat turd in Nutella and a five year old would eat it with enthusiasm. Probably not the wisest choice to take her word for it.

So, I rinse my mouth out with an entire bottle case of water, confiscate the candies for further investigations which I’m too terrified to administer and then head to the school to pick up my other two children.

And then I see it: LIGHTBULB!

When Princess Sassypants & Mr. Thoughtful enter the car, I, without much shame, offer them a tiny piece of vomit-in-a-pouch. If they like it, then surely my tastebuds are all out of whack OR God is playing a not-so-funny (or incredibly funny, depending on how you look at it) joke on me.

OR, says the tiny little voice in my head, The Random Lady is a witch & you are her unfortunate muggle target.

But, no, that’s silly and I can’t think like that. Back to logical thinking and using Princess Sassypants and Mr. Thoughtful as test subjects.

They love them! Both Mr. Thoughtful & Princess Sassypants think these are the most delicious, cavity-causing things to ever touch their lips since…ever!

I’m still flummoxed.

So now, I’m on a mission. When I get paid again, I’ve got to go buy a FRESH bag of Creme Savers just to test them out again. I’m afraid of this mission now. Two vomity candies is quite enough, but….

Third times a charm, right?

Unless the lady at the checkout counter is a witch….