Why Your Girlfriend Drags You To Chick Flicks & What To Do About It

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Your girlfriend drags you to chick flicks because she wants you to be more romantic & thinks The Notebook (& every other movie like it) will inspire you to be less boneheaded. She wants you to be more romantic and less boneheaded because…you’re a bonehead. Because you’re a bonehead, you will gain nothing from the chick flick that your girlfriend so desperately wants you to use and even if you do you will pretend you didn’t because doing otherwise negatively impacts your “MAN” status. Which is why she will forever be dragging you to chick flicks.

Solution: do something really romantic for her every once and while and don’t half-ass it. Anything the lead male character in a Nicholas Sparks novel would do is fair game & will likely earn you some nice bonus points. Maybe even a few Get Out Of Chick Flicks Free passes.

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Let’s Be Like Negan

You know what I HATE? Those articles I see all over facebook about what everyone hates. You know the ones. You’ve hidden & blocked & snoozed, yet they still keep cropping up in your news feed.

  • 10 Things You’ve Been Doing Wrong Your Whole Life
  • 11 Ways You’re Making Your Face Look Old
  • 97 Things You Should Never Say To Your [insert title here] (Hair Stylist/Photographer/Massage Therapist/Yoga Instructor/Life Coach/Pre-Schooler etc.)
  • 7 Types of Parents Teachers Hate: Which One Are You?
  • 8 Super Unattractive Things You’re Definitely Doing & How You’re Destined To Die Alone
  • 5,972 Ways You Totally Suck At Life

If you hate those articles I’m here to make you a very happy person. I’ve seen it suggested multiple times that someone should even the score. For every “7 Things Every Makeup Artist Hates About Their Clients ” article it’s been suggested that there be one “7 Things Your Client Hates About You” article to counter it.

Well…I’m not here to do that.

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Don’t you think our society has enough needless anxiety already? Trusting someone else with your hair/face/health/safety/memories/children is hard enough without the constant pressure to tailer yourself, or your actions & reactions to ones deemed acceptable by your current company. Courtesy is one thing, but if the anxiety of needing to be accepted is interfering with your daily life or your sense of self, it’s a problem. It seems the #2 way to get someone to click on your post is to prey on their insecurities. (We all know what #1 is *bow chicka wow wow* I gave up rolling my eyes for lent or else there would be a fantastic gif here.) Tell them you’ve got something they don’t & they’ll feel like they need it to be happy. Make them feel like they’re lacking in some way and they’ll want to know how to fix it. Or maybe they just want a feel a little better about themselves so they click on the article to read about all the things that other people are doing wrong, but surely they’re doing them right…right?

How about we just do away with all of that?

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For once, this is an area where it pays to be a little bit like Negan.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather read something nice about myself. I already know all the ways I’m failing. I’m so good at anxiety that I can even second-guess myself over things I’m mostly confident about. I KNOW that I’ve been bathing correctly my entire life (or at least since I hit 13 anyway, if we’re being completely honest) but those articles still have a way of making me doubt myself enough to click on them occasionally. My kids are pretty great – respectful, thoughtful, compassionate, intelligent, sarcastic, funny, resilient (and I’m not just saying that because I’m their mom) – but some days I just don’t know if I’m doing this parenting thing well enough. Maybe I’m guilty of saying something to my kids that is going to destroy their spirit & counteract every good thing I’ve ever taught them? As if the second-guessing wasn’t bad enough on its own, I then get mad at myself for taking precious time out of my day to read even one sentence of that kind of subversive garbage so I close it out & silently berate myself for being stupid. Productive, huh?

So, let’s shut it down.

I’d like it way better if people led with compliments rather than criticism, confidence instead of conceit, kindness in lieu of hostility, authenticity over comparison. Humor. Humility. Honesty. So, that’s what I’m going to do, and not just today; every day. As often as possible.

Anytime I feel like saying something I’m going to ask myself if it’s constructive to do so. Is it true? Can anything positive come out of what I’m about to say? Is it being said with love & good will? If not, then I have two options:

A.) Do what my mama said and keep it to myself

B.) (If I still feel like it needs to be said) Reframe what I need to say in a positive light so as to be clear about the good intentions behind it as opposed to just word vomiting all over someone & leaving them like this poor guy:

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He does not know what life is right now. He “can’t even.”

So, this is what we’re gonna do (& yes, the self-proclaimed grammar nazi is comfortable saying “gonna”):

Let’s flip the script & use those articles for good. Send me an inane article you hate. Inbox me. Email me a link. Tag me in it on facebook when you see it. I’ll take as many as I can and reframe them in a positive (hopefully hilarious) way and post them here with a nod back to the original. Then, maybe we can share the shitaki mushrooms out of ours & replace a lot of the negative junk in our news feeds. So, go ahead – don’t be afraid of, annoyed, or “triggered” by those posts anymore. Let’s be amused, affirmed, & enlightened by them instead. ❤

The Birth of ‘Truth or Darth’

Today I decided to share an excerpt from a post originally made on April 2nd, 2013. It made me giggle.

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The Birth of Truth or Darth:

I had no idea my kids even knew how to play truth or dare, but they kept it innocent so I went with it. “Truth or Dare!” “Dare.” “I dare you to eat those apple slices in five minutes!” <—-Mom is entirely okay with this.

At one point I even got an “I dare you to play Candy Crush on your phone!” I tried to be responsible and say that we were at the dinner table and I would not be playing games on my phone, but Princess Sassypants was adamant saying, “no, mommy, I double-dog-dare you!” I had to after that.

The Cuteness got in on the fun, too, when she looked at me and said, “truth or dare, mommy.”

Me: Truth.

The Cuteness: Try again.

(I had to giggle at that one.)

The Cuteness: Truth or dare?

Me: Truth. *for the second time.*

The Cuteness: *very seriously and with pronounced head-rolling* Try. Again. *Then she cracked a little smile because she’s incapable of holding a serious face for more than three seconds…*

Me: Truth.

The Cuteness: *getting exasperated now, but determined to get me to say what she wants me to say* Okay, Mommy – try again. *Small growl* (Yes, she growled at me a little.) Truth or Darth?

I have to admit, I was really impressed by the fact that she combined Truth and Dare into one word in an effort to try and trick me, so I had to humor her this time and pick darth. It didn’t work very well though because she didn’t know whether to ask me a truth question or dare me to drink my sweet tea so she just put her head in her little hands and mumbled about how “mommy doesn’t know how to play this game.”

Update: it’s January 2017 and I still don’t know how to play this game.

🎵 …Because I’m Happy 🎵

Today is a good day.
 • My best friend gave birth to a gorgeous little girl last night & I woke up to pictures of her happy family, which put a big smile on my face. Knowing that I’ll get to see them soon makes me even happier.
 • I had a parent-teacher conference this morning and I only cried a little bit. *winning!* I also curled my hair. *trying too hard* *also winning*
 • I have orders in my Etsy shop that are all painted & waiting to be shipped.
 • Our bills are paid. Our pantry, fridge & freezer are stocked. I have gas in my car & my radio still works. (Not that it was ever in danger of not working; I’m simply thankful for it.)
 Regardless of all I have to celebrate and be thankful for, some days I feel like I can barely function. I over-analyze my interactions with people, & feel guilt & embarrassment over things which the logical, rational side of me knows are ridiculous. I wonder why I said this or that thing, or why I didn’t say something. I often feel inadequate; I’m not enough or I’m not doing enough. I take responsibility for things that couldn’t possibly be my fault, but I bet you I can twist it in my brain until it is. I am not gracious with myself when I make mistakes, no matter how small.
 I say that to say this:
I’m still happy. I am SO happy because I have so much to be happy about! But often, it takes an intentional effort on my part. I don’t just wake up burping sunshine & farting rainbows. I have to count my blessings and remind myself daily of all I have to be grateful for. I have to intentionally think positive thoughts & say positive things. I have to surround myself with positive people, which is a bit more challenging than you might think. I have to practice yoga daily. I have to pray & ask for help. I have to watch what I eat & stay the heck away from caffeine! (Which, unfortunately since I paint coffee mugs I have a hard time doing – I have to test them, right? *wink wink*) I have to interact with people, go for walks & get outside even when I don’t want to…especially when I don’t want to.
 Sometimes I do a pretty great job, like today. Sometimes I fail and I let my irrational feelings swallow me. Sometimes I just fake it, for my benefit as much as anyone else’s.
 So, if you’re reading this, maybe you could remember it; consider it the next time you interact with “a happy person.” That person you’ve rarely seen without a smile on their face, the one you might go to for a laugh, for comfort, for sound advice…
Remember that sometimes they need someone, too. They may be sad, anxious or struggling in some way and they won’t always say it for of fear of embarrassment, shame, or just not wanting to burden anyone else. Sometimes they cover their struggle with a blanket of humor. Sometimes they don’t know what to say or how to say it. Sometimes there’s nothing they can attribute their sadness to & they just don’t want to hear “what do you have to be upset about? There are people everywhere who have it so much worse.” I promise you they know that already. You might think those people already know they are loved, needed and necessary in the world, but they don’t always. Sometimes they need to be reminded.
Today I challenge you –  first – to remind someone how necessary they are because you never know when they might need to hear it, & secondly, not to take anyone’s smile for granted; they may have done a lot of work to put it there.
 ….And…that’s all the word vomit I’ve got for you today folks!
 Now, I am going to go lend myself to something productive. Happy Tuesday everyone! Thanks for reading. Comment &/or share if you feel so inclined. 🙂

Trunk Or Treat

Trunk or Treat. Like Trick or Treat except supposedly safer because it’s usually done from decorated trunks in parking lots at churches or on private property where children can collect treats in a safe environment from people they trust. I’m cool with that, but I do have questions about other things.

Why the option? Trunk or Treat.Creepy much?!

Hi little child, Happy Halloween! You may choose your preference between my trunk or this delicious Halloween Reese Cup that your parents are obviously going to need to check for poison pinholes…by eating them. Which do you choose?

Like…at that point I don’t want anything from you creepy old man. No thank you.

I asked myself why we couldn’t just call it Trunk & Treat or Trunk-N-Treat, but then it occurred to me that taking away options isn’t really helping matters. It doesn’t make me feel much better to get the Reese Cup if I still have to get in your trunk.

Thus, I propose a name change. Let’s just call all forms of trick or treating what it is: Candy Capitalism for pint-sized sugar terrorists. All in favor? Share this post and let’s make it a thing.

Wordy 30

It’s almost that time: my 30th birthday is just two days away.

I could say a lot about turning 30:

I could whine and complain and refuse to ever be older than 29, continuing to celebrate each subsequent birthday as “The [1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc.] Anniversary of My 29th Birthday” but cute as it is, that’s not really my style. I’m SO EXCITED about turning 30! Maybe that makes me a weirdo, but I just think that the future is exciting. The fact that I’ve made it 30 years in this beautiful, amazing, horrible, awful, extraordinary life is exciting! I have fought for the privilege to be another year older & I feel blessed that God has allowed me this much time on Earth. I pray he gives me many, many more years, but I’ll be thankful for each one I get no matter how many (or few) they may be.

I also think that resentment of growing older is a bit incongruous. Nobody wants to die, but nobody wants to get older either; how’s that working out for you? I feel like grey hairs, crows feet, laugh lines, scars, and all most of the other things that come with growing older are a beautiful privilege, and they tell a unique, physical story about how we’ve lived. I do hope that when I’m 50 my story will say I’m 30 *wink wink* but still…even if it doesn’t I’ll be thankful for whatever story my body tells.

I could go on about how my health and fitness have been more important to me in the last 3 years than they have ever been, but that’s not really what I wanted to share today either. I’m sure that’s the story you’re dying to hear, but suck it up, buttercup. 😉 I want to share with you 30 things I’ve learned in my 30 short years.

30 Things I’ve Learned in 30 Years (In No Particular Order):

  1. Potty-training is the devil.
  2. You’re never “too old.” Wear what you want, style your hair how you want (purple and blue hair anyone??), and get excited over unicorns, rainbows, and glitter. Two words: Lisa. Frank. I am not ashamed.MTI0ODc2MDQ2MDg3NjA0MjM0
  3. Life is too short to waste time worrying about what other people think of you. To the extent of getting and keeping a good job and doing the things you need to do to take care of your responsibilities – yes, present yourself in a manner that people in positions of authority find pleasing (good hygiene, prioritizing, always being respectful, that sort of thing), but don’t change who you are at your core to please someone else. You want people in your life who love you for who you really are, not who they think you ought to be. Nerd out. Go on & share your love of T-Swift & YA novels with the world. You didn’t actually hate it when your three year old used to watch The Backyardigans? Go ahead and sing the theme song out loud. 99faefe255167765afeed34e19d0488f
  4. Comparison is the thief of joy. Yes, it’s a famous quote and you may have seen it so many times it makes you throw up in your mouth a little, but it’s beautiful and very, very true.
  5. You will never see me wearing matching socks.life-is-too-short
  6. It’s okay to go at your own pace. Sure, I got married at 18, had a baby, and didn’t get my license until I was 21 or start college until I was 22. I did things, as they say, “backwards.” Who died and made you The Keeper of Chronological Life Events? I turned out okay. If you did it the other way around, or if you’re unmarried at 30, don’t have kids, have a bunch of kids, don’t want kids, or still haven’t figured out what you want to be when you grow up – it’s okay! It’s not a competition.
  7. There is no one-size-fits-all “right time” to do anything. The right time is whenever you decide to do it.
  8. Getting carded is awesome.
  9. My high school playlist is on a loop…on the oldies station.
  10. It’s cool when people think you’re wise when really you’re just making it up as you go along just like everybody else.
  11. Jagermeister is disgusting.
  12. Jameson is even worse.
  13. Mixing them is not advised. 012624b3251ab1c8e7f934bc0c0b2484
  14. Don’t waste time trying to be trendy. Instead, strive to be a trendsetter. Mean-Girls-Meme-Fetch-05
  15. For the majority, no serious consequences will occur when your kid eats something that has touched the floor. It’s okay…relax.
  16. The best stories occur while your kids are on the toilet. I’m pretty sure my Facebook feed has been flooded with funny stories of things my children have done or said while on the toilet, in the bathroom, or having some relation to poop. 4013d2c3d7f8068ce2f291357b76447a
  17. There are more fun and creative ways to curse that your children can actually repeat and they have the added benefit of entertaining other people. POOP IN A BASKET! I don’t give a flying flock of frolicking catfish! “Fudgin’ touch me again and I’ll fudgin’ kill ya!” – Dean Winchester. However, sometimes it’s just nice to say the real thing. I don’t know why. It doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’ve just been married to my F-bomb dropping husband too long, but either way, sometimes it just feels good not to censor yourself.
  18. When you become a mom, you talk about poop a lot.
  19. “What is that smell?” is not an altogether uncommon thought.
  20. “Put that in your juice box and suck it” is probably the best line I’ve ever taught my children.  I am not ashamed. (Yes, there is a story behind this.)
  21. I will likely never master the art of keeping things “short and sweet.” I’m sorry. Actually, no…no I’m not. Suck it up.
  22. What is heard cannot be unheard. What is seen, cannot be unseen. 6f220603_what-has-been-seen
  23. Money isn’t everything. We need it to survive, & it’s nice to have a little extra, but there’s always more to be made. You can’t make more time & do-overs don’t exist. Prioritize what’s important to you and spend your time & money on those things as much as possible.
  24. Everybody compromises. Sometimes your ideologies take a backseat to your immediate needs. It’s okay to barely get by as long as you do get by. It’s okay to just be ‘okay.’
  25. Sometimes you’re the pigeon and sometimes you’re the statue. It’s just how life works.
  26. It’s okay if you don’t fart rainbows and sunshine 100% of the time. You don’t always have to be positive. Good days and bad days are part of being human. Embrace them for what they are and just keep moving forward.
  27. You should never stop having weird conversations.
  28. Laundry is never-ending so there’s really no rush to fold it. As long as it gets washed and dried, I don’t really care where it goes after that.
  29. I will never be adult enough to know how to properly fold a fitted sheet. A ball in the closet is good enough. 1021cef94d717a7ade3dcc5ab1c7b713
  30. “You can never have too much butter” is still the best life lesson I’ve received. Thanks Grandma.

Bonus lesson: Coke > Pepsi. Thanks Granddaddy.

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Happy Birthday to me! I have no idea what I’ll be doing, but I really hope it includes Jensen Ackles James Dean (my husband, not the dead actor. Ew.)

From One Southern Girl To The Whole Internet

From one Southern girl to the whole internet:

A contraction is made when two individual words are put together where the apostrophe takes the place of the missing letter(s), right? So why do some of y’all have so much trouble with the spelling of the word “y’all?”

You all. What letters do you take out when you put those two words together? The “o” and the “u” in “you.”

You – ou + ‘ + all = y’all.

In case that didn’t make sense:

THE APOSTROPHE TAKES THE PLACE OF “OU” MAKING IT “Y’ALL,” not ya’ll.

The things Southern girls get fired up about…y’all will have to excuse me.

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Dawn Smells Better On Husbands

  I can’t be the only person who thinks it’s sexy when her husband washes dishes. Or am I? My husband has sworn on countless occasions that he “does not do dishes” and so I am especially grateful when he does, but more than that I just think it’s hot!! 🔥

Don’t let me be alone in this! Comment and tell me what you think. Are you indifferent to your husband washing dishes or do you, like me, think it’s super hot? 

Yes Silly, Of Course The Tooth Fairy Has Email!

When you’re a crappy Tooth Fairy you have to get creative. I sent my daughter an email this morning. 
  
Dear {Princess Sassypants},
I am emailing you because I wanted you to get this as soon as possible and also because your parents have a reputation for firing Tooth-fairies and I don’t want to be next! 

I’m so sorry I was unable to collect your tooth on time. Please allow me to explain: Yesterday was a super busy day for the Tooth Fairy. There were LOTS of children who lost teeth and so many of them even go to your school! 
I collected all the teeth I could, but then my satchel got full and I couldn’t carry it anymore. I had to call the ToothCab (the Tooth Fairy Taxi Cab Service) to come pick me up because I couldn’t fly with all those teeth. 
It took the Taxi two hours to come pick me up (he says he ran into some elf or something on the way, but I’m not sure I believe him. He was probably just rolling around in pixie dust again) and when he finally got there it was nearly time for me to stop collecting anyway. I still had 13 teeth to collect! 
Anyway, I noticed that you got up earlier than usual this morning so I wasn’t able to come back and get your tooth yet. I’m sorry dear. 
I’ll come get yours (& all the other teeth I couldn’t fit in my satchel) tonight and there will be an extra special prize from me included under your pillow.
Can you take care of the tooth until then? 

Thank you for being so kind to me {Princess Sassypants}. I’m so proud to have the honor of collecting your teeth! Please ask your parents to give me another shot. They just want their kids to have the best Tooth Fairy, and I want to be that Fairy!

Love,

The Toothiest Tooth Fairy That Ever Fairied Teeth 

Care to share your Tooth Fairy fails & successes?

I Broke It On Purpose!

This photo was brought to my attention & my name is on the list. 

  
I have an announcement for the nincompoop that made this & the hopeful expression it may have caused to pass across my husband’s face. 

  
To All Whom It May Concern:

This facility has been closed for business. All personnel and valuable equipment have been safely evacuated. Utilities have been shut off, entrances boarded, “Keep Out” signs posted, and sustainable energy sources depleted so as to effectively condemn this location to all life forms, human or otherwise. No rental space available. No storage allowed. 

Any individuals caught attempting to squat in, use, repurpose, or otherwise restore this establishment shall be swiftly apprehended and sent home with a “nice try” sticker and a free puppy. 

Thank you for your consideration.

– Beth’s Baby Factory