Sorry, I Got Nothin’

My challenge for today was to write about my ten favorite foods, but this is not a topic I care to write about, nor one I think people give a damn about. I’m feeling pretty cynical today. My girls brought home their report cards & well…the report wasn’t so good. It’s just got me down and honestly, feeling kinda throat-punchy. So for today, I have nothing to give you. No funnies, no sarcasm, no small chicken nuggets of death wisdom.

But in the (debatably) wise words of Dean Winchester…

Strike out GED, replace with High School Diploma, add something about pie and we’ll call this #ChallengeComplete.

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Hey, Assbutt!

The challenge for today, Day 3, is to write about my favorite quote. Again, I’m finding myself in a pickle because I don’t have a favorite quote. If you really know me you probably expect me to be able to pull something right off the top of my head from Harry Potter or Supernatural or any number of other books and series’ which I love. I can pull something off the top of my head, but I don’t know that I would single any one of them out as being my favorite. Favorite things change as rapidly as the people themselves & their circumstances do. Even so…if I were forced at gunpoint to pick something I believe is important, inspiring or powerful and call it “my favorite” at this current moment I think I’d have to go with a Dumbledore quote.

Searching the inter-webs for a picture of one yielded many and as a result I have a little collection for you:

Which one is my favorite? It depends on the day. On days when I’m feeling hopeless (i.e being attacked by dementors) I would say my favorite is “happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” When I find myself focusing far too much on what I wish I had than the abundant & amazing things I DO have, Dumbledore’s voice reminds me that ‘it does not do to dwell on dreams & forget to live.’ Okay, well…maybe it’s not Dumbledore’s voice – that would be a little schizo – but you get the point. On the other side of the same coin, sometimes strange things happen in my head. They could be dreams or daydreams or just quick random thoughts. None of it is real…but what if it is, in a sense? Everyone’s reality and perception is a little different & in those cases I really like that Dumbledore says, essentially, that even if something is only happening inside your head it doesn’t make it less real. That nightmare I had about a demon sitting on my back was pretty friggin’ real to me, okay?! (I haven’t told you guys about that, but I will if you’re interested. It was a pretty wicked dream.)

“We are only as strong as we are united; as weak as we are divided.” That seems quite apropos for our current societal/economic/political issues. Dumbledore for president!”Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic…” yup, I definitely identify with that one. My words are pretty inexhaustible; I’m still working on the magic part. I could continue, but I think you get my point. My favorite quotes are ones which can be applied; not the ones that just sound smart or pretty – I like the ones you can use in everyday life.

I also like quotes for their comedic value, because they make me smile whether I hear them in or out of context. That’s pretty much where all my Supernatural quotes come in. That show has a lot of heartfelt themes regarding family and love, which is great, but one of my favorite moments is this one:

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“Hey, Assbutt” is even my alert when my husband texts me. I could go for days with these quotes, but I’m going to stop with this one because I have laundry that needs to be folded. Such an exciting life I lead… 🙂 What are your favorite quotes? Are any of the ones I listed also on your list, or are you a rare sort of unicorn who only has one favorite quote?

Another ‘Dear Baby Jesus’ Moment

Hi again!

I am here to ful7c08d0c9d5f0dedd033b42c59598bc15fill a request. A request for arm porn. I was going to write about it, but instead, I’m just going to leave these here and let them speak for themselves.
145bb2a126ead9d3afa49d81ed81aa84 143564_original B-JQOkaCcAAJ_lWI was also going to talk about chips, schizophrenic weather, & possibly green poo, but after ^^that^^ you’re lucky I can string a sentence together, much less connect an entire bag full of things that should never be grouped together.

Yeah, that’s pretty much it today. Not gonna be good for anything else now.

Go (Un)Funk Yourself

I’ve noticed an unfortunate trend occuring in my life this year: I’ve been experiencing more bad days than good ones. I decided I’d like to do something about it. Here are just a few ideas. Every time I’m feeling off or in a funk (angry, morose, restless, melancholy, etc.) for no apparent reason…

  1. I may just drop where I stand and do random yoga poses. Upset with the kids or the hubs? Down Dog in the cereal isle. (Or the parking lot, living room, doctor’s office…wherever. Nevermind…scratch the doctor’s office. I’m not due for a colonoscopy just yet.) Anyway, the point is it’ll make them stop & wonder what the heck I’m up to & provide myself with endless entertainment in the form of private laughter and strange expressions. I just hope my butt crack isn’t showing & that there are no proctologists nearby.
That's me...doin' the yoga.
That’s me…doin’ the yoga.
  1. Make random monkey noises. Because why the hell not?
  2. Swear. It’s not productive. It helps nothing. But sometimes it just makes me feel like a ducking rockstar. 9f7
  3. Do my hair, put my face on…general girl stuff. 10568916_277400622445527_7297311134669757539_n
  4. Watch this. It never fails to put a smile on my face. 
  5. Or this: this always helps, too. 
  6. Sing!
  7. Bake pie. cherry-pie
  8. And then attempt to lure Dean Winchester with it. My trap will be an infallible, inescapable device consisting of a stick holding up a box which houses the delicious goodness that is pie, plus all the Busty Asians magazines Dean can wish for.
  9. And when that doesn’t work, I’ll just give the pie to my husband because he will actually appreciate it.
  10. Give myself a Jamicure.
  11. Ride a unicorn.
  12. Remember there are no unicorns & then make one out of a stick, a birthday party hat, & some glitter.
  13. Take my stick unicorn with me everywhere I go. It’ll be a conversation piece.
  14. Watch Disney movies. All of them! Except The Fox & The Hound. *evil eyes*
  15. Listen to happy music! And then listen to more happy music.
  16. Answer the phone a different way all day. First I’ll be Hermione. Then I’ll answer it and say, “it’s done, but there’s blood everywhere! What now?!” I can be Scottish, Polish, and a New Yorker all in one day. Maybe I’ll even answer it in the voice of Shrek.
  17. Respond to all my text messages in emoji’s only. article-2729871-20AA7A2200000578-266_306x447
  18. Respond to my texts in song titles only. Or just respond to them all with this video: 
  19. Dance in front of people because it will either make all of us laugh or cry and if you’re having a bad day, usually doing one of those will make it a little better.
  20. Day drink. Because that’s a healthy coping strategy. (Kidding Mom.)11713891_10153364570679845_1835697619543952316_o

What do you do when you’re in a funk? Talk to me!

If You’re Not Sure, Shut Up & Wait For The Baby Shower Invitation

Recently my lovely sister told me that something I posted about weight/body issues helped her. This and this. I’m sure many of you know what a good feeling that was. Sorta felt like this:

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Apparently, someone asked her if she was pregnant & well…she’s not.

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The good news is that she handled it Like-a-i-love-strong-hipster-frau-boss-mutter-T-Shirts. She told them that she has some thyroid issues that cause her to gain weight and it’s mostly out of her control. Then that person felt like a nincompoop and that was pretty neat.

However, the opportunity for education cannot be ignored. Don’t know how you should respond to such an awkward question? I’m happy to assist. These are in no particular order because, if I do say so myself, I think they’re all awesome.

1.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atwrJ0MBw4Q

2.) When they say, “excuse me, I’m not trying to be rude, but I was just wondering…are you pregnant?” You can kindly respond with, “excuse me, I’m not trying to be rude, but I was just wondering…are you always this intrusive or does jealousy just bring that out in you?”

3.) Or you could just tell them that it’s not appropriate to ask a woman if she’s pregnant even if she’s crowning.

4.) “Yes, it’s your husband’s!”

5.) “What a coincidence…I was going to ask you the same question!”

1316015718331_99991736.) “….with a food baby.”

7.)  *act confused and wildly offended* “Um…I’m a man.”

8.) “I’m 2 days pregnant with a half human, half vampire baby. Stephenie Meyer was right…these things grow at super speed!”

9.) “Oh no, that’s not a pregnant glow. I’m just super attractive. Thanks for noticing!”

10.) “As a matter of fact I am and I’m due the day before my husband gets out of jail!”

11.) “I’m not sure. I noticed I was gaining weight, but I thought it had something to do with that alien abduction…”

12.) *with your best ‘duh’ voice* “Didn’t you see my water break just now?”

13.) “Not yet, but I will be soon. I’m going to have my placenta encapsulated. Would you like some?”

14.) “No, the doctor says I have to get off the heroine first…”

15.) *be shocked and appalled* “Well! I NEVER! I am a virgin thank you very much!” *storm off*

16.) *cut eyes at them* “I like pasta. Don’t judge me.”

17.) *with tear-filled eyes* “It’s a terminal tumor…” If you’re a lover of theatrics and you can pull it off, I would suggest mentioning that it has teeth.

18.) “No, I had a wrestling match with a spoon and a quart of Nutella. The Nutella won.”

19.) “No. I just haven’t pooped in 5 days.”

20.) “Yes, but it’s not mine…”

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So, what do you think? How would/did you handle this awkward situation? Have any responses to add to my list?

 

Smile! It’s Friday!

Whenever I’m in a crappy mood there are a few things that never fail to cheer me up.

This is one. My sincerest thanks to Supernatural & the Internet.

This is another.

10473756_10152841403969845_5573140089875568108_nAnd if that isn’t funny to you then you obviously need to watch this video because you’ve been missing out hiding under a rock. (And missing out).

Happy Friday, y’all! If you don’t mind, maybe take another stab at voting on the Booger Vulture? Right now everything is tied at 22% which tells me you guys don’t know what it is either, lol. I need a tie-breaking vote 🙂

 

The Jackass Whisperer

Welcome to the conclusion of my series on insecurity in relationships. I don’t know when I got to be the go-to person in this area, but let’s just go with it, m’kay? Honestly, I’m no expert (at anything & especially not this); I just like to share my opinions. I was supposed to share my opinion on the Wishy-Washy, Fickle People on Friday, but it was a crazy busy day for me and I didn’t get a chance to write. Saturday & Sunday were equally fun (but hectic) & what can I say…I took a weekend off.

So let’s just jump in there.

On day one we talked about The Fairytale People.

Day two: The Notebook People. I finally watched that movie Thursday night, by the way, & I liked it a lot. I now understand why it was called “The Notebook” & it has inspired me to write another post to be published in the future.

And today, here we are at our third group of people: The Wishy Washy, Fickle People. (I wish I would have just called them “The Jackasses,” but there’s plenty of time for that.)

Because…well…you’re all jackasses.

Don’t worry. We are all a part of this group at some point or another and lots of us quickly outgrow it. This post is really for those who need a little push out of this category and up into the next one.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to be particularly nice to you though, because the potential to be brutally & hilariously honest is just too great to ignore. If I hurt your feelings that only means this post applies to you & I will regret nothing.

Also two other things: A.) I would just like to point out that the people I’m aiming at here are mostly married people, but anyone in a committed, long-term relationship could apply this to themselves as well. B.) If you’re in a relationship with someone you just absolutely cannot trust because they’re betraying you every time you turn around, then you’re not a jackass for feeling a little (or a lot of) insecurity; you are, however, a jackass for staying with them & continuing to subject yourself to that. Not very much of this post is going to help anyone in that situation. If you’re in a “normal relationship” where the mistrust and insecurity are somewhat (or totally) misguided, then this post is entirely for you.

Lean in a little closer Fickle People & listen to the sermon.

You are idjits.

Bobby idjit face

keep-calm-and-quit-being-idjitsIf you’re that  guy or girl who is consistently checking your partner’s phone to see what they’re up to, who they’ve been talking with, where they’ve been going, etc. then please do your relationship a favor and pull your head out of your ass. By suffocating your partner due to your own insecurities you are only driving them away! Read those words and let them sink in:

YOU ARE ONLY DRIVING THEM AWAY.

He or she may put up with that foolishness now because they love you, they’re devoted to you – whatever – but eventually, it’s going to get old. They’re going to get sick of it and you’re going to lose them. The only other alternative is that you’re both going to live your lives together being only a fraction as happy as you could be. Isn’t your relationship worth more than that to you? I mean…you are potentially going to be in it for the rest of your life. People don’t get into committed relationships because they dream of a life filled with uninspired, lackluster interactions with emotionally bankrupt people who can barely manage the effort it takes to extend a modicum of trust in their direction. Neither do they dream of being broken up/separated/divorced.

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Can I just circle this and put exclamation points all around it?!

If that sounds like a worthwhile life goal to you then by all means, don’t let me stop you. But seriously – let me stop you. That’s stupid. People shouldn’t have to live that way! When you don’t deal with your own issues – be they insecurity, addiction or anything else – it affects the people in your life that you love the most. If you’re sitting around thinking that your words and actions have no affect on anyone other than yourself then you’re an even bigger schmuck than previously given credit for. Just because you may not care that your partnerships aren’t living up to their full potential doesn’t mean your partner feels the same way. Someone who has devoted the rest of their lives to you, their time, their energy, their bodies, deserves more than the scraps you’re offering them.

You get married because you want this:

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Not this: couple-fightingor this: counselling-and-mediation-fighting-couple1

If a life of happiness is your goal and your partner feels the same way then you’ve got a common interest you can work with. Stop checking his phone all the time, stop calling her every 30 minutes to find out where she is and why she isn’t home yet, stop belittling each other & most importantly, “Quitcher Bitchin'”. It’s not funny or cute to point out all of your honey’s shortcomings. No, not even when you disguise it as a joke.

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It’s not easy to reject the impulse to verbalize all those negative thoughts in your head, but if you don’t try, eventually you’ll be the one getting rejected. Why not give your relationship a chance to make it instead of sabotaging it?  Maybe you could start simple. Here are just a few simple ideas:

1.) Give him/her space & privacy. Yes, that includes Facebook, cell phones & going out with friends. If you feel a little uneasy at first, you can show trust in someone simply by refraining from verbalizing your doubts.

2.) It would make an even bigger statement if you stop checking their phone and constantly trying to see what they’re up to on Facebook or whatever other blockheaded thing it is you do. You don’t need to know what happens at every millisecond of your partner’s life. That’s called being freakishly insecure, needy, neurotic and boneheaded and will do nothing but suck all the mystery (not to mention any potential conversational topics) out of your relationship.

Let-the-wife-make-the-husband-glad-to-come-home-and-let-him-make-her-sorry-to-see-him-leave3.) Make home a place where your loved ones want to be. You need to be a safe place for your partner. In other words, if she shares her thoughts and feelings with you, shut up and listen. That’s all you need to do. She’s smart enough to figure out the solution on her own so ears open, mouth shut unless she asks for you to speak. 🙂 Don’t insult each other, don’t yell at each other, don’t nag each other. There is a big difference in challenging your partner to be a better person/dream bigger/think more logically and just tearing them down & making them feel insignificant. On another related note, you have those situations where all one person in the relationship does is work and come home because they don’t want their other half to feel neglected or upset if they go out. Basically, he/she comes home just so they don’t have to hear you whine and moan about nothing. If  he/she wants to go out with friends or family, let ’em go without making them feel guilty about it. Encourage them to have fun, but let them know you’ll miss them. If you can do this just a few times, I bet it won’t be long before he/she actually wants to stay at home with you instead of going out anyway.

Start off with those few simple things and then progress to the more difficult stuff as you go along. Unless you just really don’t want to spend the rest of your life with this person; in that case, go ahead. Question each other, call each other names, make each other miserable, tear yourselves apart. I won’t try to stop you again.

After all,  I’m not the jackass whisperer.

Small Dog, Large Man

So, y’all know about me and my shows, right? Forget about crime shows where the stories they tell are based off real events or just made up out of somebody’s mind about sick, twisted things that could actually happen. I have a theory on these kinds of shows; they just serve to give people really disgustingly creative ideas for murder and torture. Thanks CSI, CSI Miami, Bones, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Castle, The Mentalist, etc. etc.

I actually like those shows, but my real love rests in fiction.

I like stories about things that couldn’t possibly happen way more than the real stuff because – let’s face it – it’s nice to escape reality every once in a while almost every single day of the week.

I’ve talked about my vampire addiction before and we’ve all agreed that I should seek help. So, I did.

I called Sam & Dean Winchester.

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I’ve been a fan of Supernatural for years, but it wasn’t until our family moved to Germany that I was really able to sit down long enough to watch it and get addicted. We didn’t have cable there so we ended up getting all our video-entertainment from DVDs, the internet and iTunes. While my hubs was deployed, he bought seasons 1-4 of Supernatural on DVD and when he came home, after we put the kids to bed at night, we’d pop in a disc and start watching.

It started off that we were only going to watch one episode and then go to bed ourselves. That quickly evolved into “well….let’s just watch one more.”

An entire disc later, we went to bed only to have to get back up at 4:30 and 6:00 in the morning.

Every night, we’d watch at least 3 episodes until we got all the way through 4 seasons worth of Winchestery goodness. At this point, I was having dreams about Supernatural at night and not the good kind!!

It was dreams about evil clowns and fiery ghosts walking out of severely haunted shacks. Cars that revved themselves and killed people. Wax museums where the figures came to life and Paris Hilton always died. (Okay well..that was a good one.)

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Now, they’re in season 8 and I had another dream last night. But this time, the dream was totally ridiculous.

It was about Sam Winchester…and his brother was nowhere in sight. What a tragedy; no Dean anywhere! It should be punishable by law to have a Supernatural dream where Dean Winchester is nowhere to be found.

(Obama, you make laws out of all kinds of other senseless crap that nobody agrees with – why don’t you write that down on your list, too?)

So, my dream was actually a montage – with music and all – of Sam Winchester doing only things that Sam Winchester wouldn’t actually do. Things like:

• Riding a dog like a pony while he slaps its behind like he’s starring in some sort of sick R Kelly video. Mind you, the dog was a normal sized dog and all Supernatural fans are aware that Sam is not a normal sized man. Yet, his feet weren’t touching the ground…

• Trying on brass knuckles and intentionally combing his hair with the brass-knuckly hand while looking like he’s immensely enjoying stroking his luxurious hair.

Far, far too much enjoyment…

• Eating a burger with chips inside, pickles on top and mayo to dip it in on the side. (That sounds more like a Dean thing to me, but it WAS a dream about things Sam wouldn’t actually do so….)
• crocheting a unicorn with rainbows flying out its…well, you get it.
• Having a dance party with a clown
& other nonsense that I can’t clearly remember at the moment.
Sam Winchester would absolutely never EVER do any of these things.
But – I have no doubts – Jared Padalecki would.
So any of you out there who know how to slice clips of video together to make an actual montage, contact me ASAP…we’ve got to make this dream a reality.
And also –
you’re welcome ladies 🙂