If You’re Not Sure, Shut Up & Wait For The Baby Shower Invitation

Recently my lovely sister told me that something I posted about weight/body issues helped her. This and this. I’m sure many of you know what a good feeling that was. Sorta felt like this:

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Apparently, someone asked her if she was pregnant & well…she’s not.

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The good news is that she handled it Like-a-i-love-strong-hipster-frau-boss-mutter-T-Shirts. She told them that she has some thyroid issues that cause her to gain weight and it’s mostly out of her control. Then that person felt like a nincompoop and that was pretty neat.

However, the opportunity for education cannot be ignored. Don’t know how you should respond to such an awkward question? I’m happy to assist. These are in no particular order because, if I do say so myself, I think they’re all awesome.

1.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atwrJ0MBw4Q

2.) When they say, “excuse me, I’m not trying to be rude, but I was just wondering…are you pregnant?” You can kindly respond with, “excuse me, I’m not trying to be rude, but I was just wondering…are you always this intrusive or does jealousy just bring that out in you?”

3.) Or you could just tell them that it’s not appropriate to ask a woman if she’s pregnant even if she’s crowning.

4.) “Yes, it’s your husband’s!”

5.) “What a coincidence…I was going to ask you the same question!”

1316015718331_99991736.) “….with a food baby.”

7.)  *act confused and wildly offended* “Um…I’m a man.”

8.) “I’m 2 days pregnant with a half human, half vampire baby. Stephenie Meyer was right…these things grow at super speed!”

9.) “Oh no, that’s not a pregnant glow. I’m just super attractive. Thanks for noticing!”

10.) “As a matter of fact I am and I’m due the day before my husband gets out of jail!”

11.) “I’m not sure. I noticed I was gaining weight, but I thought it had something to do with that alien abduction…”

12.) *with your best ‘duh’ voice* “Didn’t you see my water break just now?”

13.) “Not yet, but I will be soon. I’m going to have my placenta encapsulated. Would you like some?”

14.) “No, the doctor says I have to get off the heroine first…”

15.) *be shocked and appalled* “Well! I NEVER! I am a virgin thank you very much!” *storm off*

16.) *cut eyes at them* “I like pasta. Don’t judge me.”

17.) *with tear-filled eyes* “It’s a terminal tumor…” If you’re a lover of theatrics and you can pull it off, I would suggest mentioning that it has teeth.

18.) “No, I had a wrestling match with a spoon and a quart of Nutella. The Nutella won.”

19.) “No. I just haven’t pooped in 5 days.”

20.) “Yes, but it’s not mine…”

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So, what do you think? How would/did you handle this awkward situation? Have any responses to add to my list?

 

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Vampires, Werewolves & Pants, Oh My!

I’m ecstatic to say that I got to go to The Vampire Diaries Eyecon for the whole weekend from Oct. 31st – Nov. 2nd! This is the first time I’ve gotten to enjoy the parties, the banquet, the contests, etc. so now I see what the big deal is. I even told my hubs that once I was able to do all that, I wouldn’t need to go again.

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I shouldn’t have said that. I want to go again. And again. And again and again and again as long as they keep having them. That probably isn’t financially feasible, but don’t stomp on a girl’s dreams, m’kay?

If you’re interested in hearing about the con, seeing pictures, videos and extremely good-looking men in extremely well-worn, tight pants…just keep on readin’! Otherwise, feel free to move along.

Confessions first y’all; I didn’t want to go at first. I got my tickets thinking/hoping/praying these guys would be there:

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Haha…just kidding.
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Much better photo, right?

Or any of these would have been awesome as well.

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If you watch The Vampire Diaries or The Originals, none of these people need introducing.

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Unfortunately, we didn’t get most of those. Instead we got:

Steven R. McQueen
Steven R. McQueen who plays Jeremy Gilbert on TVD
Steven McQueen (actor) & his brother Jessarae (musician)
Steven McQueen (actor) & his brother Jessarae (musician)
Jessarae's drummer, Lee Madeloni
Jessarae’s drummer, Lee Madeloni
Zach Roerig, who plays Matt Donovan on TVD
Zach Roerig, who plays Matt Donovan on TVD
Michael Trevino, who plays Tyler on TVD
Michael Trevino, who plays Tyler on TVD
Matt Davis, who plays Alaric on TVD
Matt Davis, who plays Alaric on TVD
Michael Malarky, who plays Enzo on TVD
Michael Malarky, who plays Enzo on TVD. If you haven’t discovered Michael Malarkey’s Feed The Flames EP, you need to. Everything’s Burned is my personal favorite track on the album and yeah, it’s a little weird, but that’s what I like about it. I’ll be talking more about this in a future post so I won’t bombard you with details now. Just suffice it to say I’m a fan of Michael now rather than just a fan of the character he plays on TV.
Kendrick Sampson, who played Jesse for 5 episodes in S5 in TVD
Kendrick Sampson, who played Jesse for 5 episodes in S5 in TVD

If you’re a fan of Chase or Kendrick, you should check out this article about their Q&A panel. I didn’t get videos of it and this details most of what they talked about. I was really impressed with Kendrick as a person. One thing he said that really stuck out for me was about how he can’t go a day without his bible. In the industry he’s in, I would imagine that sometimes it’s hard to maintain a balance between his values & what he has to do to earn a living. I personally don’t walk around everywhere with a bible, but I think it’s amazing and commendable that he believes in something strongly enough to carry it around with him and not let anyone or anything shake his faith. 🙂

Paul Telfer, who played a hunter on TVD
Paul Telfer, who played a hunter on TVD
Chase Coleman, who plays Oliver on The Originals
Chase Coleman, who plays Oliver on The Originals
Felicia Lester, who plays on The Originals
Felicia Lester, who plays on The Originals

MV5BMjI4ODE0MTUzNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNjk0NzUwOA@@._V1_SX214_CR0,0,214,317_AL_& last but not least, Joshua Butler, who has directed several epic episodes of TVD.

 

I thought I wasn’t going to have as much fun if my second husband Ian wasn’t there (or Paul, or any of the leading ladies) but I was WRONG. I think I actually had MORE fun. The crowd wasn’t as big and chaotic, the people were so nice, we got to spend more time with the people who were there and I got to meet a group of great people that I wouldn’t have known were so great if I had been focused on the main characters the whole time. As a bonus, I was able to retain possession of my brain cells the entire time as well. When it comes to Ian I practically forget my name so I was glad to save myself that embarrassment.

I even left with some new favorites!

– I adore Chase Coleman who plays Oliver on The Originals. Not a big fan of his character (yet) but as a person, Chase seems really easy-going and tons of fun based on the few times I got the pleasure of talking with him. Plus, he can rock sparkly second-skin pants like nobody’s business.

Chase Coleman as Stacee Jaxx, Halloween night.
Chase Coleman as Stacee Jaxx, Halloween night.

Some people thought he was Brett Michaels though so…maybe I’m wrong? Either way, Saturday night he sang Rock of Ages at karaoke, which I heard was epic and I’m really mad that I missed it. I’m just waiting for a YouTube video. In my search for one, I found this little remake of a scene from the movie…it made me giggle. 🙂

And even though this isn’t the video from Atlanta, this is basically what we did whenever Chase was around. That, and swoon. I hope he comes back to future cons.

– I didn’t actually meet Felicia Lester, but we did exchange a rather enthusiastic “hey, I love your hair! Thanks! You, too!” 🙂

Matt Davis even told me he loved my hair right before we took this picture:

Sorry, this is a picture of a picture and not the whole thing, but you can see my purple hair a little bit which is what Matt commented on. My genius response? "And I love you!" Like he hasn't heard that eleventy billion times. Lol
Sorry, this is a picture of a picture and not the whole thing, but you can see my purple hair a little bit which is what Matt commented on. My genius response? “And I love you!” Like he hasn’t heard that eleventy billion times. Lol

Also, I hate my face. :/

I got this photo signed and he was such a sweetheart. He had to leave right after the autograph session so he didn’t go to any of the parties which was unfortunate, but at least I have this. 😀

I also have these:

Michael Malarkey (who I've loved as Enzo from day one, but now I just love him period. Such a cool person!)
Michael Malarkey (who I’ve loved as Enzo from day one, but now I just love him period. Such a cool person!)
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This is the lovely group of people I got to attend the Saturday night banquet with. We sat at a table with Jessarae and his drummer, Lee Madeloni. They’re both incredibly cool people.

At one point, Lee asked me if I was a musician. I don’t know how he discerned that, but I told him, no and that I just like to sing. Then he and Jessarae totally put me on the spot and asked me to sing and I stupidly missed my opportunity to do so by blanking out on songs I knew lol. I’m just going to YouTube it and send it to them from the safety of my home because I’m a giant chicken.

Zach Reorig (Matt Donovan on TVD). He's such a funny guy. And so much more good-looking in person. Matt just does not get enough love.
Zach Reorig (Matt Donovan on TVD). He’s such a funny guy. And so much more good-looking in person. Matt just does not get enough love.

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Michael Trevino (Tyler Lockwood). He seemed a little reserved at the convention, but I can’t imagine what it’s like to be constantly bombarded with people wanting to talk to you and touch you, etc. etc. all the time. Must be exhausting. And I got a smile out of him so you won’t see me complaining 😀
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LOVE this guy!! Steven R. McQueen (Jeremy Gilbert). He is SO funny. I talked to him a few times and I adore him. He definitely knows how to break up the monotony during the Q & A sessions. There are very few awkward silences when he’s around. He seems considerably more approachable than almost everyone else as well, which was nice because I have my shy moments (despite some of my friends thinking I don’t have a shy bone in my body) & it was nice not to feel that with him.

I also took a horrible selfie with his brother, but I don’t even care that it’s horrible because Jessarae is one of the coolest people I met at the con. I’m kicking myself for not getting a selfie with his drummer, Lee, though. He’s awesome and kinda looks like he could be related to Johnny Depp which…you know…is a bonus.

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I have a ton of videos and instead of talking your ear off about everything, you can just visit my YouTube Channel HERE if you’re interested in seeing them. Make sure to check out the Michael Malarkey videos; he’s such a cool guy! In a nutshell though, I had a fantastic time, everyone was amazing, I want to go back next year & I HAVE to do karaoke. I have a year to think of an epic karaoke song to perform…suggestions?

 

Do-Overs: Live & Re-live

I want a do-over! Everyone wants a do-over on something, right?

(Dear Person Who Is Going To Eventually Invent A Working Time Machine,

Get on this do-over business for us, mkay?

Thanks!

Sincerely,

The Entire World)

But, who says the do-over has to be reserved only for experiences which were less than what you envisioned? I think they should apply also to those things you enjoyed so much that you want to re-visit the first time over and over again.

So, as if you care, here is a list of things on which I’d like a do-over:

  • The reading of a certain young adult series with feminine, glittery vampires. Okay, I admit it – I read Twilight and I LOVED it. I shall wear my shame with pride! (***And the award for Most Ironic & Nonsensical Statement of the Day goes to…..***) The first time I read it, it just grabbed me. I won’t say it’s the best written story of all time or that the sparkly vampire business isn’t a bit gay, but when I initially read it, I loved it. I devoured the entire series in four days and during that four days, I can’t remember doing a single household chore, cooking, eating, sleeping and sadly, even bathing. My children were probably wandering around the house frantically croaking “Mommy!” while scraping the crumbling remains of day-old Cheerios off the floor to nibble on. I wish that everything I could read had the power to captivate me like those books did. (Except for maybe the bathing part. A girl can take a book to the bathtub with her!) Also, Dear DFACS, I totally fed my kids while reading Twilight. Back off. KThxBye!
  • Watching Vampire Diaries for the first time. I know it’s sad that my first two do-overs involve vampires, but this is me we’re talking about. I have a bit of a slight (un)healthy obsession with the fanged and undead. Correction – the PRETTY fanged and undead. Not the undead as in The Walking Dead. That’s just Filthy McNasty. (Although the show is surprisingly awesome.) Anyway, getting back on track………….

I started watching Vampire Diaries when it was up to episode 11 of season 1. By the time they were up to episode 13 of season 1, I was already caught up and had been waiting a week for that episode to magically appear on iTunes. We were living in Germany, my husband was deployed, I didn’t sleep much and True Blood was on hiatus; I needed something to do. So I gave TVD a shot and it was like crack, y’all. CRACK! When one episode went off, I immediately started another until I realized that I needed at least a couple of hours of sleep before walking the kids to school the next day and forced myself to shut the computer off. I couldn’t get enough of it. I want every time I watch that show to feel like it did when I was first starting it.

  • Dating the hubs. There are some things I’d like a do-over of just because they weren’t exactly the smoothest operations in the history of ever, but mostly I’d just like to go back to how fun everything was then. I was 16 and goofy and didn’t care that people thought I was certifiably insane. I said hi to random strangers in a Hammy The Squirrel sort of voice. And my boyfriend (now husband) adored that goofy version of me. It was silly and fun and adorable. And vomit-inducing to everyone else which just makes it that much more amusing for me! But then again, I LOVE things just the way they are now so maybe this isn’t do-over material so much as it is re-invention material. I just need to make it a point to have more fun. I was going to say I need to make it a point to be goofier, but if I get any goofier, this blog would probably explode from not being able to handle the copious amount of weirdness it is forced to contain.
  • The first time I told my son that little boy babies come from Home Depot and little girl babies come from Walmart. This is a weird thing to want to re-experience, I admit, but you didn’t see his precious little face trying to process this information. Priceless!
  • The first time I made apple pie from scratch. This one is a do-over I wanted because the first time was a complete FAIL. Luckily, I already redeemed myself in this area on Valentine’s Day. Say hello to my delicious friend:

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I made mini apple pies, too, but at least one of those turned out to look grotesquely (and hilariously) inappropriate for the interwebs. So naturally, I took a picture! And I’m going to tease you with the fact that a select few have seen this picture and can vouch for its grotesqueness and hilarity, but I can’t bring myself to post it here because…honestly, my mom reads this thing and there’s just no way…

  • Do-over number whatever: The time I said “Dear Baby Jesus” and “your eyes are so blue!” to Ian Somerhalder. Did I think the man didn’t know what color his eyes are? He’s probably used those puppies on women since the womb and here I am gushing at him about his genetic makeup. *head-desk* As soon as I saw the man, all viable cells vacated my brain and I NEED to redeem myself. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t remember me or that he still won’t remember me after I’ve made amends for my brainless first encounter with him. What matters is that I remember and I can’t live with that distinctly, stereotypically blonde moment hovering over my consciousness every time I see this picture (which is hanging in a place of honor in my office) with my stupid, fat-faced, goofy grin on it.

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  • 3rd Grade. All of third grade.

 

  • I’d like a do-over of that period when my two oldest kids were between the ages of 2 & 4. Not because I screwed it up or anything, but because I miss it and I’d absolutely record more of their little voices on my phone to later save to iTunes and play to myself on a regular basis. Their voices are so precious!

Side Note/Funny Story regarding the precious voices of my minions; I recorded a conversation while my husband was deployed the first time that went like this:

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: *Singing* I wonder if my daddy is coming back home…. *Pause* When he gets done beating the bad people up…*longer pause*

Me: Go ahead, finish your song!

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: I already! 

Me: Okay. *hears Minion #2 AKA Princess Sassypants singing aforementioned song in the background in her adorable barely 2 year old voice* Tell Daddy you love him.

Minion #1 AKA Mr. Thoughtful: I wuv you Daddy. I miss you!

Me: Princess Sassypants, come tell your daddy you love him. *She toddles over, doesn’t say anything* Come on, say ‘I love you, Daddy.’

Minion #2 AKA Princess Sassypants: Momma, I tink I poop!

That, I would not re-do in a million years except to keep it EXACTLY the same and hear it again and again 🙂

  • I would NOT like a do-over of pregnancy. Been there, done that, got the “PERMANENTLY OUT OF SERVICE” tattoo.
  • The time I let the kids watch Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire at the theater with the hubs and I. They were a bit too young for the whole rebirthing of a snake-like-looking-powerful-wizard/monster guy.
  • The time I let the hubs talk me into letting my young son watch The Lord of The Rings. He literally JUST got over being terrified of Smeagol and Gollum.
  • A few days ago when the kids and I did a table-top volcano experiment. That was fun. They smiled, they laughed, they played AND they learned. If we could relive that everyday, it would be fantastic.
  • The time I freaked my brother out with that Secret Circle theme music and he jumped 5 feet in the air from a laying position. Awesome!

I’m sure there’s more, but my do-overs aren’t exactly epic or anything so I’ll bore you no longer. 🙂 You tell me your do-overs now. They’ve got to be way more interesting than mine.

Until next time –

xoxo

New Year, New Boots, New…Okay, So…Nothing Else Is New

Happy 2013 My Lovelies!

3x02-TVD-Klaus-Youve-heard-of-me-Fantastic

 

If you can’t make the connection between that first sentence and this picture than you’re missing great television.

So, we went on a short vacation for the end of 2012 to celebrate the coming of 2013 (and the fact that December 21st was NOT, in fact, the end of the world just because some Mayans couldn’t count that far or got bored and gave up on the calendar thing) with some friends that we made while we were in Germany. They’re stationed in Fort Bragg where hubby and I used to be. It was a lot of fun. I drove a 4-wheeler for the first time, got stuck in a huge mud puddle and had to be pulled out by a jeep. It’s no fun unless you get stuck at least once, right? Then we had to haul arse outta there because some electrician-whatever guy showed up and said “Hey, sooooo….I’m callin’ the cops! Happy new year!” At least he warned us, right?

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Holli Bolli!

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The hubs with Mr. Thoughtful…

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Bolt-Ray getting his 4-wheeler out of the mud after my hubs got it stuck. There aren’t any pictures of him pulling me out because we were trying to hurry up and escape before the cops got there. What’s a family outing if you don’t get to outrun the cops together at least once?? Yeah…that’s how we do it in south apparently.

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My boys 🙂

 

 

 

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The Cuteness with her daddy. She was squealing the whole time. Happily of course! She had a lot of fun.

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Princess SassyPants got a ride with her daddy, too. I think she enjoyed it the most 🙂

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And this is me and the hubs. The only thing that differentiates us is the fact that I’m wearing a giant helmet. I don’t like mud in my mouth thankyouverymuch.

After all that fun, on our last day there a bunch of us got sick with a nasty stomach bug. Yuck. I won’t go into the gory details on that one. Just know it was…less than ideal highly unpleasant <—both.

We came back yesterday and my hubs was James Dean McCrabby-Pants all day long. Grrr. PTSD + Little Sleep – Meds = a not so happy wife life. For anyone.  Except when I got new boots…then I was pretty pleased.

Then I went over to my mom’s to pick up my birthday cake at 10 o’clock at night. Did I mention that my birthday was Dec. 30th? Yeah, apparently people think 27 is old. I’m not one of those people, but that’s all I heard that day. “Happy Birthday! Gettin’ old aren’t ya!?” Um….no. I’m only as old as I feel and I feel about 17 – sothere!!! Plus, isn’t 30 the new 20? In a few years I’ll be that much closer to having grown kids and time to party and go on cruises and participate in drunken karaoke with people I don’t know. This is what life is about, right? …………..

…………Life isn’t about drunken karaoke? Well crap…why didn’t someone tell me earlier!?

What’s new in 2013? Nothing but the last number of the date. I don’t make resolutions so I’m not promising myself I’ll lose weight or drink less coffee or blog more or save enough money to finally *finally!* buy that elephant or baby tiger or husband (hello, Ian Somerhalder…..) I’ve been desperately wanting…

Instead, I’m determined to give my business everything I’ve got this year. I’m getting organized, making plans for promotions and getting strict with my scheduling policies and other stuff…finally starting my business account so my taxes won’t be such a headache next year. Ya know…normal stuff really. Not resolutions…..goals. Because no one sticks to their new years resolutions, but goals give us something to constantly strive for.

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Now I’ve got to go catch up on my Vampire Diaries writing. I’m probably going to get fired if I don’t start posting there more often. But I need inspiration to write like that. So THAT’S IT – there’s only one thing to solve that problem.

Mian

Dear Ian Somerhalder,

Please propose to me now.

Yours Truly,

Obsessive Compulsive Crazy Girl – Your Future Wife

There…if he reads that – and more importantly, if he complies with my request demand – the fansite will have more blog material than they know what to do with. You see the sacrifices I’m willing to make for the good of TVD Fans everywhere? You should all thank me. Profusely.

And you can do that by…

sending Ian Somerhalder letters to plea for our union and also by setting up the GISHTB (Get Ian Somerhalder Hitched To Bethylicious) Foundation. We’ll be taking donations from now until the wedding date.

That is all. Happy 2013! May no one predict the end of the world this year.

Excuse Me While I Get All Fangirl On You…

I’ve had very little to blog about lately. Or rather, very little time to blog. Possibly both.

For those that found me through the giant web of  TVDFamily I figured you’d like to see this. (All others, I apologize for my suckiness & the fact that there is nothing here for you today.)

I posted it on The Vampire Diaries Fansite (Thank God I can make my own posts now instead of having to email them and wait for them to be posted for me – this is so much more efficient!) but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to post it here as well.

I made a new wallpaper today & I’m sure the Stelena fans are going to want to dagger me for it, but if you could press pause on that emotion for one minute (or 3 months, whichever) that would be great. Feel free to use this yourself if you like – just click on the link below the image to enlarge. If you need it resized, Tweet Me with your dimensions & I’ll resize it appropriately.

SEE IT BIGGER? CLICK HERE.

Thanks for bearing with me through my writer’s block & my fangirl moments.

XO,

The Girl That Needs New Material

Do You REALLY Want My Advice?

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I had my own advice column. I enjoy helping people or at least trying to, but every now and then people I don’t even know will tell me their life story and ask me what I think. Sometimes, it happens in the really long line at the grocery store or the bank. Sometimes at the pharmacy. Every now and then I get tweets from Vampire Diaries fans that know I write for the fansite wanting my insight on a particular problem. Why, you ask? I have no clue. Maybe people just need someone to talk to. If you find that explanation lacking…too bad. That’s all I got.

Now, if I know you – and that is to say if I am invested in our relationship and I actually care to cultivate it (I need to make this distinction because there are plenty of people that I know that I don’t give a rat’s flea-infested tail about) – I take more care not to say anything that might upset you, while still trying to remain as truthful & realistic as possible. My friends know this, which is why I think they trust me as much as they do (Bless them!).

If I don’t know you or you’re on the aforementioned ” I don’t give a rat’s flea-infested tail” list? Then you’ve just opened a can of worms depending on what you just told me or asked my opinion about because I’ll just spit it out without as much regard for feelings. It’s not that I don’t care about people. It’s just that there’s something really freeing about not being close enough to someone to feel like you have to be delicate with their feelings and letting things fly out like word vomit. Also…I’ve little patience for stupid people. The even funnier thing is that most of these people appreciate the blatant honesty.

Which brings me to what it would be like if I had my own advice column:

Dear Bethylicious,

My boyfriend & I have been in a very serious relationship together for 3 years months weeks. He proposed and of course I said yes because he is just the cutest guy in school ever! But he’s still talking to his ex-girlfriend, Susy HugeBoobs. She stays at his house all the time & he says it’s because they have a chemistry project work thing they have to do together. I trust him completely; don’t get me wrong…but I don’t believe him. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Desperate For Answers & Totally NOT a Teenager

Dear Desperate For Answers When You Should Be Desperate For a High School Diploma,

Thank you for your question. You seem like the type of person that needs step-by-step instructions so I’m here to oblige.

First: DUMP. HIM. Second: Find a place to get an I.Q because reruns of Spongebob Squarepants are obviously working against you.

Sincerely,

Bethylicious

Dear Bethylicious,

I’m 18 & dating a man who is much older than me. We are on the same level emotionally & intellectually so I feel much more connected to him than men my own age. He makes me feel special & has shown me so many things. He’s very thoughtful & buys me lots of gifts. He knows that I want to marry him & he says he wants to marry me, but he refuses to leave his current wife. She’s sucking the life out of him & their marriage is already over, but he’s so afraid of her that he can’t confront her & officially end it. How do I convince him to leave her so that we can be together?

Thank You!

So In Love

Dear So In Love,

Your letter was very to the point & excellently written in clear handwriting, with the most correct grammar & punctuation I’ve seen in months. It’s startlingly clear to me why this man wants to be with you.

It’s because you are quite possibly the dumbest woman on Earth. He likes you because you have young perky breasts, are eager to experiment & have less brains than a maggot on a poop stain. You do what he wants when he wants & the only thing he has to do is whisper pretty words on occasion & buy you nice gifts. He can meet you where he wants on his terms & never has to take you out in public (or deal with you at home) & can disguise his caveman-like behavior with you under a mask of forbidden-fruit type fun & secrecy. He probably brings you generic-brand chocolates while he takes his wife a diamond bracelet, because after all, she’s the one getting stomped on by a man who promised to love her “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, all the days of her life”…he has every reason to be afraid of her. If I were an advocate of such violence (and clearly I’m not) I’d suggest that she string all those diamond bracelets together & strangle the man with them. As for you dear, pick up a book on morals & study, study, study! If all else fails, send all subsequent requests for advice signed with the name “Boobs For Brains.” That seems much more suitable for you.

Sincerely,

Bethylicious

Dear Bethylicious,

My wife has been very difficult lately. I work so hard all day long to provide for her & our ten small children, yet when I come home from work, there are toys all over the floor & I have to walk around the laundry baskets to get to my favorite chair. I even had to move one the other day so that I could see the TV!! All I ask is that she bring me something cold to drink & hot to eat when I come in (& of course have the house clean, the laundry put away & the kids under control) but she is constantly mad at me for something. I don’t know what I ever did to her. She told me she wanted a “break” (as if her job isn’t enough of one!) so I kept 4 of the children so she could go to the grocery store in peace. That didn’t work. I even allow her one hour to herself after I get off work every single week. She just has to take the kids to my mother’s, pick up the dry-cleaning & pay the bills while she’s out, but other than that, she’s free to do what she wants for that hour. Nothing I do is good enough. She hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks, which I normally wouldn’t complain about, but she won’t even go to bed with me now. How can I survive!?

Sincerely,

STRESSED!

Dear STRESSED!

Trade jobs with your wife for one week. And then? Shut the hell up.

Sincerely,

Bethylicious

Dear Bethylicious,

I need help with my daughter! I’ve read every parenting book imaginable & done everything they said. I’ve spent every moment of my life responding to her every whim, yet she still treats me atrociously. She cries & screams at me all day long until she gets what she wants & sometimes she even punches my legs when I’m in the middle of a conversation. I’ve tried time-outs & taking her toys away, but she just holds her breath until I give them back. I’m scared she’s going to hold her breath until she hurts herself. I’d never spank her because all the books I’ve read say that’s abuse, but I don’t know what else to do. I give her lots of attention & tell her how special she is all the time like the books say, but she’s never satisfied. Help!

At Wits End

Dear At Wits End,

Burn every single book you own written by a so-called “parenting expert.” They’re crap & most of those imbeciles don’t even have children. If your daughter wants to hold her breath until her face turns blue and she passes out? Let her. Bet she won’t do it again. She knows she owns you so stop catering to her. You both need to remember that you are the mother and she is the child. And spanking? Not the answer for everything & certainly not to be taken to extremes, but personally, I’d say a good spanking is exactly what the little brat needs.

Sincerely,

Bethylicious

For more advice column fun tune in…whenever I decide to do another one! 🙂

Aesop Is My Homeboy

My recent posts from Tuesday & Wednesday actually had a sort of Aesop’s Fable thing happening so I’m here today to conclude my point. And yes, I actually have one that isn’t entirely silly. Imagine that!

To sum it up for those of you too lazy to read the previous, surprisingly short (coming from me) posts:

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger unless:

  • It’s a number of things that make you weaker. I should have put pneumonia on that list.

If it does kill you…well, that’s unfortunate. I hope you’re right with God.

If it kills you AND makes you stronger, that means it was a vampire. In which case, I will be hopping on the first train to Mystic Falls because if vampires are real, I don’t think it’s that big a stretch to assume that a supposedly fictional town is real. That would indicate that Damon Salvatore really exists, in which case I must find, hogtie and marry him immediately. (How does one go about hogtying a vampire?)

Based off this recap alone, only Tuesday’s post was Aesop Fable material. The rest of it is just useless, nonsensical mind-poop that has the potential to get me committed with a disturbing amount of haste unless you actually read the post and then you know my point there was to stop being so afraid of everything! Anything can end your life at any moment so take all the opportunities you can because you might not get them again. But everybody knows this already (whether they do it or believe it) so that wasn’t my central point.

You wanna know the real purpose here? (It’s my blog; I can say “wanna” if’n I wanna.)

What doesn’t kill you doesn’t necessarily make you stronger so what does it do? I’ve come up with something. Feel free to disagree or to use it whenever appropriate; whichever.

What doesn’t kill you makes you…live longer.

My superior genius led me to that conclusion so don’t feel bad if you didn’t think of it first. It’s true isn’t it? And so profound, right? What doesn’t kill you does, in fact, mean you live longer. But consider this:

Living Longer = Getting Wiser (Unless you’re Gina.)

Getting Wiser = Being Smarter

Smarts = Knowledge

Knowledge = Power

Power is just another for word for …

Strong.

So maybe what doesn’t kill you does make you stronger…if you let it.

Change For A Dollar?

I’ve been so heavy-hearted in my recent posts that I figured it’s about time I got back to my normal routine of gracing you all with my usual mind-poop. You see, sometimes there are things that I want to say, but can’t.

Like the above, for example. While there are several situations I’d say this in, I don’t think it would be wise to say something like this to my minion’s teacher. Do I want to at least once a month? Why, yes. Yes I do.

I also believe the above statement is the answer for why nothing the government does EVER makes sense. They can’t agree on anything unless there’s a certain level of idiocy involved.

The next one, I just think is funny.

This one, I would very much like to email to individual people and see how long it takes them to figure out that yes, I actually do mean you!

Having given you some examples of things I really want to say, but am smart enough to keep to myself (until now apparently) & also having shared an earlier post on things I thought I’d never say, I feel it appropriate to share with you a list of things that I desperately want to say but never see myself catching quite the right opportunity or circumstance to do so. Enjoy & feel free to add your own as I’m sure some of you can get much more creative than me!

“Why YES, Damon Salvatore! Of course I’ll marry you!” <— Dear Husband, breathe. And remember this is a fictional scenario so our nuptials are completely safe 😀

“It’s ‘wingardium lev-O-sa. Not levio-sah.” *Know-it-all Powers Activate!*

Next on the list: I desperately want to say “My best friend is Catnip” and have it be nothing short of absolute truth.

I’m a picky eater. It sucks. What does this have to do with me wanting to say things I don’t think I’ll ever get to? A lot actually. You see, my husband is always trying to get me to try new things which is great. But sometimes, he gets a little too serious with it and I want to give him a really brilliant comeback to make him shut up. Trouble is, he’s only given me the opening to say it once and I missed my opportunity to respond appropriately. Sadly, these are the kind of moments you can’t get back. He told me a certain food was “full of protein.” What I said was “So.” Genius, right? What I should have said was “so is jizz, but you don’t see me harvesting yours!”

I would sincerely love to be in a situation where I could call Edward Cullen “Sparkle-Pants McGee” to his fictional face. The best I’ll get is meeting Robert Pattinson and let’s face it; that’s never gonna happen. Besides, that guy is so good natured and funny that anything with the word “sparkle-pants” in it probably wouldn’t even cross my mind. And the McGee thing? It just sounds good at the end of “sparkle-pants.”

I want someone to taunt me to I can tell them “you’ll be laughing on the other side of your face in a minute.”

This doesn’t fit all the criteria seeing as how it’s likely I’ll get the chance to say this one, but I might fudge it up by forgetting to use it like I did with my husband so…here is. I hope that someday I can tell my kids “when you fall out of that tree and break your legs, don’t come runnin’ to me!” I also hope that when they remember I said that I’ll be there to see their faces when they finally get it. (Anyone notice the quantity of “T” words in that last sentence? Totally accidental…)

Last for this post (but certainly not all I have) I absolutely want to be in a position to say “If I see anything I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.” I confess this one scares me a bit when I run through the list of possible scenarios in which this statement would be appropriate. *Shudders*

 

 

 

 

 

WWRS?

Do you hate it when people write posts about how busy & overwhelmed they are? Yeah? Well then, you should probably get out of here because that’s totally what I’m doing.

Have you not noticed that I’ve been cheating on my blog here by reblogging posts from my SpiffySnaps Photo Blog? Yup, that’s me…the lazy cheater.

While googling pictures of lazy, cheating people this is what I got and it was too cute not to share. It helps that it kinda fits with my post 🙂

So why have I been neglecting you? It’s not intentional, I promise! Because neglecting this blog is like neglecting myself. It’s a form of therapy for me. I don’t like to dump my mind-poop on my family all the time because they’re subject to enough of my weirdness and I never want to be a burden on anyone. By posting here, I can relieve myself & those who don’t give a rat’s flea-bitten hind-end (<— Larry the Cable Guy! “Hine-Din”) about how I’m feeling, what I’m up to or what’s scrambling around inside that multi-colored, mystical forest of nonsensical nonsense I call a brain don’t have to stick around to read it. It’s a win-win. So the only way I wouldn’t be here is:

A.) I don’t have internet (which was the case when we moved from Germany back to GA) Or B.) because I’m too busy to take a bathroom break, let alone write an entire post detailing how I’m too busy to write an entire post.

I have a ton of things I could be doing right now that would probably be considered “more productive” by a societal standpoint, but I think anything that is going to save my sanity and keep me from doing hard prison time is a worthwhile pursuit. Let’s face it; I’m too pretty to go to prison! Okay, not really, but I am, however, too chicken to go to prison which makes this blog an asset to taxpayers everywhere. You don’t want to be making sure I get my 3 hot meals and cable TV everyday just because I couldn’t unload my baggage here and decided to instead, unload my new (awesome) gift on some unsuspecting, unfortunate individual who just happened to be on the wrong end of my psychotic breakdown, do you? Didn’t think so.

Now that I’ve managed to make a case for why my ranting benefits you, too, I guess I can get on with my post.

Where were we? Oh that’s right…busy.

Busy, busy, busy.

That’s a little misleading. According to that picture, I’ve been busy gardening or something…

Not true, but the symbolism is still the same. As many of you know, I started writing Vampire Diaries articles for The Vampire Diaries Fan Site. Who would I be if I didn’t insert a shameless plug here? (You can find the site by clicking the link above, but you can also follow me  – @SpiffySnaps – on Twitter. You can also follow the rest of the @Vamp_Diaries crew on Twitter with the following:  @MFDunn76 @TVDTweetz ★ @Miss_Lizarae★ @Phyrfli

★ @christinejnoury ★ @JacquelynBodmer ). *Shameless Plug Over*

So I wrote my first article (which I love having the opportunity to do!) and started on my second, but I’ve been unable to get very far with it. You all know I’m a photographer as well & I’ve been trying to kickstart my business here in GA again, which is very time consuming stuff. When you’re trying to run your own business, it’s like having a new baby; it takes up the majority of your time. I’ve had pictures to edit, new shoots to do, photos to share, website & blog maintenance, time spent marketing for new clients – not to mention I’ve been doing a few extra things photography/photoshop-wise to help out my family and also rabid TVD fans like myself. 😀

I’m not complaining in the slightest; I love the work – even the volunteer stuff. It’s fun (most of the time). Like any job, of course it can be tedious at times and I do have my moments when I’m just so tired of looking at a computer screen that I’d rather scrape my eyeballs out with a plastic spoon than filter through all those RAW images trying to figure out what to keep and what to discard, but it has nothing to do with the people whose photos I’m working on or how much I love my job. It’s just a fact of life; when you spend the majority of your time on one thing, you become restless and a little tired of it so you have to step back and take some breaks. Some people, clients in particular, don’t like it when you take breaks – especially if they don’t realize how essential those breaks are to your life and to the quality of your work.

This week, my breaks have consisted of band practice with my cousin (who’s album comes out in May! How awesome is that?) and practicing for voice lessons that I’ve unfortunately, but unavoidably missed the last 2 weeks in a row. These are two things that I love as well, but that do take up a great deal of my time.

I miss meals with my family and scramble around trying to find babysitters so I can go to band practice, which doesn’t make my hubs too happy I’m sure (even though he’s never complained about it once) and it does take a toll on me, too. Not that I’m complaining about it because, as I said, I do really, really love it; it’s another form of therapy for me that gets me through the week and I realize that with anything you love, sacrifices have to be made.

I just hate asking people to watch the kids all the time. I hate that my house gets unbearably messy because no one is here long enough to clean it; we’re just here long enough to mess it up and run out the door. It stresses me out! I hate that I only have enough well water to wash one load – maybe two loads – of laundry a day when I have 2 little girls that just can’t seem to stop peeing all over their clothes. I hate it even more that I’ve needed laundry detergent for 3 days and haven’t had the time to go get any. I hate not being home to make dinner…wait, what am I talking about?! What I mean is that I hate not being home to eat dinner with my family. I love not having to make it! 😀

When practice runs late, I miss bedtime. I miss story-time. I miss bath-time and I’m pretty sure that my kids haven’t washed in between their toes in a good three weeks. I hate that my kids might be missing out on school functions because I’m too tired to take them. Minion #2 needs to read to someone everyday so she ends up reading to the other 2 minions or to the dogs while the youngest minion is as happy as she can be to get away with doing nothing because she’s in pre-k and I don’t seem to have the ability to help her with anything lately that doesn’t consist of spreading Nutella on toast or getting dressed.

My oldest needs extra help in school that I’ve been too mentally exhausted to properly give him so instead he gets the lazy, half-assed version that goes something like this; mathblaster.com for help with math, starfall.com for help with reading, jumpstart.com for help with science…do you see a theme here? I stay so busy that I’m too tired to give my kids the attention that I’m used to giving them and that they are used to getting. I get behind on other responsibilities and commitments I’ve made and even though they always get done, it’s because I’ve sacrificed something important to me in order to make sure someone else’s wants and needs have been met. I’ve been short-tempered and impatient with my family, which is something I regret very much. So what do I do? I take a few things off my plate. I go with the hubs and get a new puppy! (i.e – put something else on my plate that takes my time and attention.)
Meet Saber

Surprisingly though, Saber has helped me keep my cool in the week that we’ve had him. Through the chewing, the housebreaking, the mild case of Alpha-Dog Disorder displayed by my Saint Bernard and the kids running around like wild animals chasing Saber and their complete inability to NOT pick him up and spoil him rotten – I’ve managed to be patient and deal with it all as gracefully as I used to. You know…when I only had one kid, no dog and tons of family around to help me with the one kid when I didn’t know what the heck I was doing.
Sayte

I love Sayte and she does make me feel better sometimes, but she is essentially my husband’s dog. She is so attached to him that, while Sayte and I love eachother, James is the one she’d take a bullet for…or chew a leg off for. She’d growl and bark at an intruder for me, I’m sure and chase someone off for the kids. Enough to scare them maybe, but my husband? She’d tear someone apart for him, animal or human. And this is the sweetest, most well-behaved, mild-mannered dog you’ll ever meet, but she loves my hubs that much that I think she’d go through an instant personality change were he in danger.

Saber, on the other hand, I think is going to be MY dog. After only 2 days of living with us, he was already following me around the yard. I walk, he follows. He sniffs around and goes a few feet away from me, but if I walk away he’s right there chasing after me. Now we’ve had him a week and he whines when I’m not around and his eyes follow me everywhere I go even when someone else is holding him. Something about his fluffy fur and handsome face calms me even when  I feel like I’m about 1.6 seconds away from throwing the first thing I touch. Yeah, it’s another time-consuming responsibility that I’ve taken on. I know I’ll get sick of the housebreaking and teething part before long, but the payoff is so great that I don’t even care right now. While Sayte is my lazy baby that lounges around on the couch during the day while my hubs, brother and children are all gone, Saber is the one who is up feeling playful and demanding my attention by doing impossibly cute things that make me smile. I need that in my day so that I don’t get so frustrated with my other responsibilities and so that I remember to take a break from them for something that is completely frivolous and fun. He’s far too happy and cute to get annoyed with. It’s like having a baby in the house again, which is something that I always loved despite the lack of sleep and the excess bodily excrement…

*Side note: If I follow you and I’ve missed reading and commenting on your posts it’s nothing personal. I’ve just been unable to find time to read everyone’s posts in the last week. Slowly, I’m working my way through the emails & commenting so don’t give up on me 🙂 Even if all you get is a “like” – I don’t just hand those out at random – it means I really liked it!

So, that’s basically my whole story. Between the new puppy, the operation of my own business of which I am the sole owner and employee, maintaining blogs & websites, band practices, my kids & all the duties that come with those things (and yes, I do mean ‘those things’ as in ‘my kids’), other people’s kids who – for some inexplicable reason think my house is the place to be – the house itself & all the domestic duties that come along with it (creeping their way in and multiplying like termites do), spending time with the hubs & volunteering to do all this extra Vampire Diaries related stuff (that I wouldn’t give up in a million years), *insert deep breath here*  I’ve managed to rotate my “Things I Can Reasonably Do & Still Function Like A Human-Being” knob to its capacity. Probably well-passed its capacity, honestly, but I love everything I’ve signed up for so the only thing to do is just to wait and see if I can manage my schedule well enough to fit some new routines in there that will allow me to cope with everything better. I think I can do it, but I’m going to need a time-management coach or something. Anyone up for the job? It’ll be a challenge – You see how well I’ve managed the last hour. My fingers and eyes have done all the work while the rest of me seems to be becoming a permanent fixture on my couch.

That’s an unavoidable red flag that means it’s time for me to get up, get my house clean again so I can breath and relax in it for a few minutes before I start working on pictures, articles & graphics that I’ll have to knock a huge dent in before my kids get home in 6 hours. *Sigh*…

Rosie the Riveter comes to mind. (What Would Rosie Say? Hence the “WWRS” title) This is what she would say to me if she read this:

OR she might say “YOU HAVE BITTEN OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW!” but I like “WE CAN DO IT!” better so I’m sticking with that. Thanks for the pep talk Rosie!

Someone Hire This Girl

I don’t normally do short posts like this about one particular thing, but since I got the opportunity to start writing for The Vampire Diaries Fansite (linked in the sidebar) I’ve had nothing but TVD (and photography) on the brain. I promise I won’t limit my posts to all things fanged and blood-thirsty forever, but for now you’ll just have to deal with my obsessive obsessiveness.

I saw this TVD video on YouTube today after Julie Plec (one of the writers on the Vampire Diaries) tweeted about it.

Apparently, the girl who made it is only 15 years old. It’s really good! I almost cried! And then I remembered it was the Vampire Diaries and while that is still tear-worthy material, it’s also drool-worthy material. And wink-worthy and cold-shower-worthy.

And then I had to laugh because I can just see myself crying, drooling and winking all at the same time while taking a cold shower…