Thoughts…

I shared a guest post with you yesterday from MeLissa Hicks. I shared it because I can relate to it. Her sense of what was normal was different from everyone else’s perception of the term. I think we all have a different “normal.”

When I was younger I thought everybody had broken families; I had exactly two friends whose parents were still together when I was in high school and remain so to this day. I’ve seen my best friend’s parents dance in their living room to music that nobody else was listening to while their kids teased them about how “mushy” and “gross” they were. That is what is supposed to be normal, but to me it was strange and wonderful considering my parents (& most of my friends’ parents) were divorced & both remarried. My childhood normal was…tense…and you can bet I never saw any combination of my two sets of parents slow dancing in the living room like they actually loved each other. That sweet moment with my friend’s parents is one that has always stuck with me & I hope someday I’ll hear my kids complaining about how gross their dad and I are.

As tense as things were when I was a child, as I got older I began to notice and appreciate how close certain parts of my family are. I believe my mother’s side of the family in particular is how we got through a lot of heavy things. My granddaddy was there every single time my mom, his brothers, one of his grandchildren or anyone else he loved needed him. There was not a thing he owned that we couldn’t have also. My grandmother had the kindest soul & the sweetest spirit. She was also, sometimes unintentionally, the funniest person I knew. My mom is like the best parts of both of them. She is the strongest & most wonderful woman I’ve ever had the pleasure to know, and she raised my siblings and I to always love and care for each other no matter what. She has come literally halfway across the world to be with me when I needed her, and even when we don’t necessarily agree we respect & support each other. My family is very loving & supportive, so I was appalled to learn that not everyone is similarly blessed. I mean – don’t get me wrong – I suppose I always knew it, but I didn’t really let it sink in until I was an adult.

I have friends whose families disregard their very existence and won’t lift a finger to help them unless there is something in it for them. I don’t understand how families can be that way toward one another. I understand tough love, but what I’m talking about has nothing to do with love of any kind. Sadly, it’s more common than I’d like to believe and in this situation, I know my family is the odd one. I’ve had several people tell me they have never met another family like mine; so eager to help & lacking the usual squabbling & family drama that has come to be depressingly common in other families. We have our share of dysfunction, for sure, but my grandparents & great grandparents made sure our roots were so firmly planted that there isn’t anything in this world that could truly break us. I’m thankful for that.

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Random Acts Of Kindness

Over the last year, I’ve had a recurring revelation; I’m sick of scorecards. No, I’m not talking about sports. We need scorecards in sports because otherwise no one would ever hear the end of Peyton Manning’s 3-in-a-row touchdowns. I’m sure plenty of you hear enough about it as is, scorecard or not.

I’m talking about scorecards in our relationships. Spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, family, friends, coworkers…doesn’t matter what category the relationship falls into; the rules are still the same: someone does something for you – you owe them. Period. Right? Isn’t that generally how we approach things? Your coworker shares her lunch with you because you were in a hurry and forgot yours and you don’t get paid for another week. So what do you do? You, perhaps guiltily, accept her offer to share, but in your mind you’re thinking about what you can do for her to pay her back. Replace her lunch. Give her some money on payday. Give her your first born. Anything to erase the feeling of being indebted to someone because they showed you some kindness. Come on now…don’t you think that idea is a little flawed?

I’m not saying never repay anyone. I’m just saying there’s no reason to feel guilty or beholden simply because someone in your life made the choice to extend their hand to you. People have different perceptions of how scoring works and how many points to give for each act, as well as how much is adequate (or not) when they’re cashing in their points. How can this ever be an impartial, indisputable way to keep track of who owes who? (Who’s on first? What’s on second?! Sorry…couldn’t help myself.) You might think offering someone a meal is no big deal, while your friend thinks that sharing her food with you is on par with running into a burning building to save you or something. You might try to pay your friend back by offering her a meal the next time you approach a Wendy’s together, but she’s thinking she at least deserves an Olive Garden sized payback. See what happened here? You and your friend just scored her kindness differently. You gave your friend one point for sharing. She gave herself 10 points. So now you owe her. Your fast food is only getting you one point with her and you’re over there looking like a schmuck because you’re thinking the two of you are even now, but you still owe her 9 points & your firstborn son. And maybe an endless salad bowl and some breadsticks?Then, inevitably, over time, your friend has racked up some serious brownie points for herself and you’re still in the red because nothing you can do for her compares to everything she’s done for you, at least in her mind.

Pardon my candor (Divergent reference anyone?), but I think that’s bullshit. When you care about someone, you naturally & sincerely want to give to them. You want to share with them, help them, you care about their wellbeing. In a healthy, abiding relationship the score is never really balanced and you know what? No one effing cares. You know why? Because you’re supposed to do things for people out of kindness, and a desire to give & help. Not because you expect something in return. If you get something in return, great. Consider it a bonus. But don’t do anything with the deliberate & entitled thinking that this person is going to owe you & you’re going to collect one day. And most certainly don’t archive it just to pull it out & parade it around later when you’re disappointed with them. If you never expect anything, how can you ever be disappointed?

In my family, it works like this: If I’ve got it, you’ve got it and vise versa. Not to the point that we’re crippling or enabling each other of course; no one is abusing anyone’s personal boundaries or anything. It just means that we support each other in a healthy way, unconditionally. If my brother is hungry and I’ve got food, he’s welcome to it. And then later, if I need a tank of gas and he’s able to help me out he does. But neither one of us keeps track of who did what for whom or how much it costs. We all do so much for each other that it’s impossible to keep score and I wouldn’t want anyone to. To give without expectation is more fulfilling than to give with the hope that we’ll get our backs scratched. And when we learn to receive another individual’s sacrifice with genuine gratefulness rather than indebtedness, we honor the sincerity of it. I appreciate my family, particularly my mom & granddaddy, so much for raising me that way.

I still battle that feeling of indebtedness every day. Every single time someone outside my immediate family does something even the tiniest bit nice for me, I feel like I owe them. And then I want to kick myself in the face because I truly believe that’s no way to live life (it’s just a hard habit to break). If all my relationships are is a series of business-like exchanges where I’m sorely indebted to every person who’s nice to me, or spends time with me, then what’s the point in having relationships at all? Especially when you consider that you’ll likely never be even?

How can you repay your mother or your father for all the love & nurturing they gave you, or still give you? All the sacrifices they’ve made for you? You can’t. And most parents (the good ones anyway) don’t want you to. I know I want my kids to live full, happy, productive lives because I love them and I want the best for them. I just want them to live. Completely. Fearlessly. I’d like them to take every lesson I have to teach them & use it to their benefit to grow and ultimately become better people. The best way for them to pay me back is to bless the world with their kindness, their smiles, & their genuine hearts. I wouldn’t want them spending their lives feeling enslaved to the task of repaying a perceived “debt” to me when every sacrifice I’ve made has been one I’ve been more than happy to make. Why would anyone expect another person to view their kindness in this way? Like it’s a service you’re providing that you must be compensated for…EFF THAT.

Don’t hoard every thoughtful thing you do for someone in a vault, waiting to cash in on it, or brandish it like a sword to cut people with later when you’re hurting, angry, or feeling spiteful. People don’t need to have your benevolence flaunted in front of them every time you feel like they’ve slighted you somehow. They know what you do for them, not all of it, but for the most part they know. And I believe most people appreciate it greatly, but maybe the ways in which they show their appreciation don’t register for you because you’re keeping score differently than they are. So take the score out of the equation. If you’re being grossly undervalued or taken advantage of then either sprinkle a little tough love on the person(s) in question, or just remove yourself from that person’s life, but for the love of all that is holystop keeping score.

I hope that when I die it can honestly be said that I never used my kindness like a weapon against anyone. As far as I’m concerned, every single tally mark I’ve ever made for you or for me is wiped out of existence. This is one instance where I believe in participation trophies for everyone. 😉

Short (But Not Simple) Thought For The Week

Does she scare you a little?

Good.

She should make you fear her love, so that when she lets you be a part of it you won’t take it lightly. She should remind you of the power that beauty brings; she should remind you that storms reside in her veins, and that she still wants you in the middle of all the chaos.

Do not take this soul for granted, for she is fierce, and she can take you places that you never thought you could go. But she is still loving in the midst of it all. Like the calm rain after a storm, she can bring life.

Learn her.

Cherish her.

Respect her.

Love her.

For she is much more than a pretty face; she is a soul on fire.

Why You Should Be Scared Of Your Wife (Or At Least Pretend To Be Occasionally)

Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t there some sort of undocumented rule somewhere stating that husbands (boyfriends/significant others) are wise to retain some level of fear deference to their spouses? The same applies to the ladies in regard to the men of course, but we’re just going to focus on the one right now for simplicity’s sake.

I get the whole thing about mutual love and respect. I feel that my husband and I have that in most cases. What I’m talking about is, admittedly, a bit more petty than that..at least on the surface. Let me give you a real-life example:

image My husband is not always playful and lighthearted, but when he is, he  is dramatically so. I love when he’s playful and lighthearted. I don’t care so much for the “dramatically so” part. He doesn’t always know when to cease fire. For instance, he may get in a playful mood and put ice down my shirt or something silly like that. I laugh, I jokingly tell him he’s in for it and I repay him with two cubes of ice down his shirt. I feel like at this point, he’s gotten me, I’ve gotten him…it should be over, right? But no. He cannot accept this. He then feels that he must retaliate by putting three cubes of ice down my pants. It’s still rather humorous so I go with it and respond in kind. We both laugh. Then I notice that he might be laughing, but the look in his eye is starting to get a little more impish than it was before. You see where this is headed, right? It’s not just going to be “you got me, I got you, that was funny, now it’s over.” Now it’s a war. He needs to get me again and for everything I do to him he has to get me back twice as bad. Suddenly, it’s not fun anymore. Suddenly it’s not playful and lighthearted; it’s about who wins. Suddenly, he has a few small, nearly-dry wet spots on his clothing from where ice has melted on him and I’m standing in the kitchen, mad as a wet cat, drenched from head to toe while our dinner burns & he’s feeling triumphant as he’s holding the sprayer from the sink. And trust me, he ALWAYS wins because I’m not willing to deal with The Wrath of James Dean if he doesn’t.

I don’t want to see how uncomfortable his retaliation can get and I don’t want to see him hurt or angry so I generally give up before I help get him to this point. He does not give up before he gets me to that point. I get so angry that

A.) There’s nothing I can do to him that won’t get me something worse in return and/or

B.) There’s nothing I can do to him that actually has any effect short of junk punching him and I feel that’s a little extreme as revenge for a harmless prank.

Not to mention the (very trivial) fact that I’m a little a lot annoyed that I never get to win.

^ All that up there, while true, was my attempt at being amusing and flippant, because really, it’s supposed to be all in fun. Underneath the surface, however, there is a lot more to be revealed. Allow me to get a tiny bit serious for a second.

I honestly feel like when my husband starts something with me and I repay him for it, at least sometimes he should respond with “well, I deserved that” and let it be done. I’ll tell you why. Nobody can really claim to be the winner in that scenario, but when you push too much and upset someone, everybody loses. I don’t need to win so badly that I belittle or upset my spouse to do it. It makes me feel weak and inferior when I can’t seem to get any edge over him or have any effect on him at all. He just laughs at me or does something worse to me than I could even think about doing to him. If I blithely punch my husband as retaliation for tickling me or something equally harmless, (even if it doesn’t hurt) I don’t feel like his response 100% of the time should be laughter. Sometimes? Yeah, laugh at me…it’s funny that I’m a kitten pretending to be a tiger, I get it. But choose your moments.

Sometimes, guys, you should just let your girl win and make her think that punch to the back really hurt you at least a little bit because otherwise, you’re just slowly (unknowingly & – I know – unintentionally) beating down her self-esteem. And don’t make it obvious by abruptly falling to the ground if she pokes you in the chest with her index finger…that’s just insulting. You have to make her believe it. You have to let her know that she has an effect on you, she’s important to you and that your love and respect for her far outweighs your desire to always reign victorious. 

We get it. You’re the big, strong, masculine guy. You’re stronger than us. You’re probably faster than us. And a lot more adept at pranks, sports, shooting, manual labor, video games, gambling, grilling, navigating & beer pong. WE GET IT. We know you CAN win everything; that doesn’t mean you always have to. You don’t have to be a prick about it. In a world where girls & women are constantly told & shown how inferior they are (both to men and when compared to one another) we don’t need another reason to feel like we don’t measure up.

While I’m at it, it wouldn’t hurt you to point out things that she’s better at than you every now and then as well. Don’t just say, “you are strong and important” after she tells you that she doesn’t feel so. That just seems contrived and insincere. Back it up with an example. Give her a reason to believe you mean what you say. “I think you’re strong because ___________.” Fill in the blank. Don’t just tell her she’s a great wife or a good mother. Back it up with some sort of proof. “You’re an awesome mom because _______________.” Maybe she’s more patient than you are. Maybe she’s a large part of the reason your children are so respectful and compassionate. Maybe it’s because of her that they love to read or pray or retain some other positive trait that the world seems to be lacking these days. Tell her that. It’s a lot like being in a courtroom; the judge and jury aren’t going to believe your client is innocent just because you told them they are. They need evidence.

Your wife needs to feel that you’re sincere when you give her compliments like that. Believe me, I realize that in a man’s mind, “you’re so beautiful” is a great compliment and that they are being sincere most of the time. It IS a nice compliment and we appreciate it. You should keep doing that. But every now and then mix it up by backing up your claim with some sort of proof. Just because you feel genuine in saying it doesn’t mean your wife hears that in your voice or feels it for herself. In my personal opinion, since she’s the one you want to make believe it, you should put some effort into making her feel your sincerity as well. Try pinpointing specific things about her that you find beautiful next time and see how she responds to that; compare it to how she responds to the generalization of being beautiful & I bet you’ll see a difference.

And obviously, ladies, the same goes for you. I’m not just beating up the men because that isn’t my thing. You can take this advice and apply it where necessary in your relationship, too. I apologize in advance if I sound completely self-righteous. I just got fired up this morning & had to find a way to vent my frustration. I hope maybe it helps someone. At the very least, I got it off my chest.  :p

Now it’s your turn. Agree or disagree? Why?

A Wise Word On A Wednesday

Why do people say, “word to the wise” when dispensing advice? Shouldn’t the advice-giver be the wise one? And in that case, shouldn’t the saying go, “word from the wise?” Unless the person giving you advice is not at all wise. In that case you would be the wise one for not listening to their dumb ass.

Random Affiliations

Plan-B-Toilet-Paper-Roll-300x198Yesterday I asked my Facebook peeps what today’s post should be about. They really came through for me. They suggested toilet paper, squirrels and a capricious rating system for cookies. Yup…these are my friends and family y’all and this is why I love them. (Now you know where my randomness comes from; they feed it frequently.)

I’ve thought long and hard about how to join those three topics (just like I somehow managed to marry Cannibal Poptarts & Goose-Step Salute) and when I say “thought long and hard” I mean I’m word-vomiting this entire thing on a whim. I like a challenge.

A cousin pointed out something I think we all know about toilet paper; there are 57,000,000,000 different kinds. Why? Why does there need to be a different brand of toilet paper for each county in America? Why does toilet paper range from 1-ply to 3-ply? What is a ply exactly?

Screen Shot 2014-12-04 at 4.31.38 PM
Finally, a question I (or google) can answer without much forethought.

8625537_600x338All you do is wipe your butt with it…it’s far from an elegant item so why are there so many choices ranging from ‘poor folks’ to ‘pampered ass?’ (See what I did there? *wink wink*) Also, why does toilet paper have commercials? There is no one in America who is not using this stuff!

Not gettin' much done with that I'm afraid.
Not gettin’ much done with that I’m afraid.

I realize cheap 1-ply TP is the equivalent of attempting to wipe your butt with the thinnest shreds of tissue paper you can find in a 3 year old, moth-eaten gift bag so why even make it an option?

If it tears mid-wipe (& it will), you’re in some serious trouble and probably shouldn’t shake anyone’s hand for at least 5 years or 2,000 gallons of bleach, whichever comes first.

Having a finger break through the paper right near the defecation excavation site every time we made a trip to the Super Bowl has the potential to grant one a very specific type of PTSD. Not to mention scratches…my grandma was a great woman; she taught me about John Wayne toilet paper. JW Toilet Paper

Let’s just get rid of 1-ply toilet paper for the health and sanity of all mankind. It would even contribute to the betterment of the economy because we would no longer be forced to waste time and resources on subpar butt paper.

I’m not even going to talk about 2-ply because it’s the middle child of toilet paper and everybody knows they never get enough attention. (Oh, don’t be so uptight…that was a joke.) 😉

That makes the 3-ply TP the youngest child, and therefore the softest and most awesome. Much like my parents, the TP companies created perfection with the last one and so they stopped. 🙂 Kidding again…in all seriousness though, I believe they only kept the one and two-ply so they could make the 3-ply more expensive. So now, unless you’re Bill Gates or my mother, you have to buy 1-ply because that’s all you can afford (and if you’re my mother 1-ply is all you can afford, too, but you don’t care), but you have to buy more of it because everybody has to use 75 feet of it in order to feel clean and in that way, the butt companies make more money off the 1-ply. (Hello run-on sentence…)

charmin-bearOne of those butt companies is making all their money on a family of bears. (That sentence sounded better in my head.) Sure, these bears are all cute and precious with their soft toilet paper and sparkly clean backsides, but we all know they don’t actually look like this. Bears are actually like this: ROAR. (Incidentally, that describes Katy Perry, too.) That is false advertising and I think Bears everywhere should sue for slander because the media is making them look like pansies. Bears are not super cute, dainty pansies who wipe their butts with baby-soft paper. You know what would be super cute using toilet paper and by “using toilet paper” I mean being used AS toilet paper? You guessed it. Cookies. And by “cookies,” I mean squirrels. (Sorry, I had to make sure you were paying attention.)

tp

I addressed the fact that there are too many ply-choices, so now I think I’ll attack the ridiculous number of brand choices. People are wiping their butts with bears, puppies, babies, koalas, cats…I googled it.

 

squirreltp

 

Despite what this book says, it’s the right year for wiping your butt with a squirrel. It would serve them right for doing the deer wrong. See, the squirrels had an insurance gig, but they straight up sabotaged the deer & stole the whole thing right out from underneath them, I know it. I just need to prove it so that I can get the deer a better deal with Progressive. (Dear Flo, I’ll be needing that endorsement check now. M’kayThanksBye!)

Once we prove the squirrels are undermining swindlers and make amends to the deer, you, me, the bears and the deer will sit around drinking wine while making fun of squirrels and eating cookies. We’ll have a bake off and rate each others confections on a scale from John Wayne to puppies.ghk-kleenex-cottonelle-ultra-toilet-paper-mdn The determining factor will be how much of our new squirrel paper we have to use to…well…never mind the details. All I’m going to say is that any type of cookie containing coffee or meant to be dipped in coffee before consumption is going to be closer to the puppy end of the scale while anything classified as a pastry containing milk or cheese is sure to be on the John Wayne end of the spectrum.

So that’s that, people: Toilet paper, squirrels & cookies. How’d I do??

Dog Farts & Divorce

bill_ted1
50 Points if you understand my poorly executed Bill & Ted reference…

I’m taking a page out of Girl On The Contrary’s book and posting a Thought On A Wednesday. My thought today is that it’s not actually today when I’m typing this. It’s currently 6 days before today and I’m in a room with two incessantly flatulent dogs. I wrote about donkey farts today, which is 6 days ago for those of you who have been keeping up. Coincidence? I think not. Psychic prediction? Perhaps. Time Travel? Definitely.

I’m afraid I’ll go to bed smelling like dog farts. I’m afraid that smell will repel my husband and he’ll be forced to separate himself from me or else wear a hazmat suit to bed. In an effort to prevent this, I’m considering giving my dogs Beano or GasX even though my psychic powers are telling me this is a completely useless and ineffectual idea.

My Thought On A Wednesday is more like a series of thoughts & they are as follows:

• Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure would have been much less exciting if it was titled “Bill & Ted’s Scheduled Report of Wikipedia Regurgita.”

Mark your calendars!
Mark your calendars!

• Dog farts are the number 5, 786th cause of divorce and there is not enough beano in the universe to stop them.

• Only YOU can prevent dog farts…and divorce.

• I had all these thoughts in the past so this whole post is basically a premonition of the future even though I’m writing it in the present. BOOM.

French Fried Crack

Today I am pondering the tastiness (or lack thereof) of French fries. It seems Ore Ida French fries taste better than all other French fries in The Land of Fried Potatoes.
Is it the pattern of the cut?
Is it because they’re cut and packaged within 30 minutes of being peeled (according to the commercial I saw two minutes ago)?
Is it because pre-packaged, unhealthy foods are inevitably more delicious than everything else?
That couldn’t be it because there are other pre-packaged French fries that don’t taste nearly as delightful as Ore Ida.
Do they add something to them before they package them? You know, something addictive like…crack?

Yeah…I’m gonna go with that.
Ore Ida: Pre-Packaged Home-Fried Crack. Mystery solved. I’m pretty sure I should get paid a hefty endorsement fee for this.

Suck It Up, Buttercup; 1st Edition

I called this post the 1st Edition, but in actuality it’s the second. The first Suck It Up, Buttercup post can be found here. I didn’t realize these were going to be a series, but now I do so…there you are. In the second 1st edition of Suck It Up, I would like to talk about selfishness.

A certain degree of selfishness is required of most – if not all – of us in order to adequately and genuinely care for the needs & wellbeing of those around us. We have to take time for ourselves so that we feel well & balanced before we can give of ourselves to others without resentment. Sometimes, we just need to take care of ourselves, not so that anyone else can benefit from it, but just because WE NEED IT. The added bonus to that scenario is that others usually benefit from it anyway regardless of whether they were your motivation for caring for yourself or not. Win-win.

Selfishness becomes a problem when you are thinking ONLY of yourself and neglecting the needs of others; when you get so caught up in your own problems, needs, and wants that you forget about the hardships and desires of those you love. It’s an even bigger problem if you are totally aware that you’re neglecting these people and their needs and you don’t give a rat’s ass. That’s a nasty brand of narcissism if you ask me.

Your problems aren’t going to disappear just because you spend every waking moment thinking about how dysfunctional/terrible/depressing/strenuous etcetera, etcetera your life is. In fact, that kind of thinking will only make it worse. Suck it up, Buttercup. Ain’t nobody got time to be sittin’ around feeling sorry for themselves when there are babies to feed, bills to pay & all sorts of social, political and economic upsets in the world. You can only face one thing at a time so do what you can do today & then maybe you can do more tomorrow. All you have to do is try.

It’s really hard when you’re going through major life changes or you’re feeling like your world is falling apart around you and there’s nothing you can do about it, but the truth is that you’re in complete control of your present and your future. Even from up here on my soapbox, I need that reminder, too. I don’t post these things because I think I’m perfect and I’m not guilty of any of the things I talk about. I post it because I’m human & just as guilty of most of them as anyone is, but I’d rather check myself (& help someone else in the process) than to have someone else do it. Plus, I’m totally hoping my blog is still a thing when I die & that wordpress will create a feature that allows me to deliver posts to emails or cell phones in the future so that my children will think I’m haunting them with motherly advice and wisdom… 🙂

Want to hear another truth? (No? Suck it up or leave.)

Helping others might actually help you. It’ll damn sure be better than sitting around moping for your own circumstances. Being there for others gives us a sense of satisfaction and purpose that pining, moping & selfishness, quite frankly, will NEVER BRING YOU. EVER. Take time for yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling or do whatever you need to do, but not too much time. Don’t wallow in self-pity for too long. Don’t like your circumstances? Change them. There is always a way. It’ll be difficult and it won’t happen over night, but you can do it & when you do, it will be worth it.

In the meantime, spread some good karma and be there for someone important to you. If we all took time out to consider the fact that the universe doesn’t revolve around us & that there is always someone in worse shape and more desperate need than ourselves, maybe we would feel more fortunate and grateful for the things we have. Even if what you have isn’t much, focus on those things & share them with someone; chances are they won’t think so little of it.

I’m sick of the constant stream of redundant ‘poor, pitiful me’ posts on social networks. I get it, sometimes we all have to let it out, but most of the people constantly complaining about their circumstances are all complaint & no positive action. Additionally, several of these people have loved ones in their lives far worse off than they are with far more right to complain; they could be more supportive of those people & the hardships they’re facing. Take care of your relationships. Spend time with people you love because one day, they won’t be here for you to spend time with. Get over yourself and

suck-it-up-buttercup

Weird Things & A Contest

I’m sort of in a funk. Well, not sort of. I am. And it’s not a “funk.” It’s despair.

I’m so sick of it.

So, in an effort to distract myself & make me feel moderately better for an indeterminate period of time I am going to do what I do best. Write nonsensical nonsense on my blog & possibly sit & watch my stats climb with an unhealthy volume of joy.

Did you know that if you google “weird things” you get a whole plethora of not just weird things, but nasty, disgusting things as well? I swear there was a picture of a turd sitting on a toilet seat. There was also one particularly disturbing one.

I’m not gross enough to post the poo picture, but boogers & dudes with huge nose & ear holes? That, obviously, does not cross the line of things I will not post on my blog.

I am just so curious as to why someone would enjoy doing this to themselves? No judgement – just genuine curiosity. Also, while we’re at it, I’m curious to know how this guy handles allergies. A stuffy nose is the least of his worries, I’m sure, as anything that’s in his head could simply fall out through his one ginormous nostril. I fear for the fate of his brains…

Here’s another weird thing I came across.

Talk about saving time. This just gave “would you like coffee with your breakfast?” a new meaning.

I thought this was supposed to be physically impossible? But half the things contortionists do should be physically impossible & yet they pull them off with jaw-dropping gracefulness so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by some dude licking his elbow. Although, why one would WANT to lick their elbow…?? I guess it’s human nature. If we can do it – we will. If we can’t do it – we will prove that we can.

Speaking of contortionists and coffee…

I’m still weirded out that someone actually knitted this:

I’m not yet ready to comment on this one, but if you are – please do.

I think a little caption contest is in order. I’ve seen other bloggers do this with great success and while I know I won’t be nearly as successful as they are, it still seems fun. So, I’m going to post a weird photo and ask that you make a comment with what you think the caption to that photo should be. We’ll take a vote next week and whoever wins can guest-blog anything they want on Bethylicious.

What is this weird animal thinking? Extra points if you can tell me what the weird animal is.