🎵 …Because I’m Happy 🎵

Today is a good day.
 • My best friend gave birth to a gorgeous little girl last night & I woke up to pictures of her happy family, which put a big smile on my face. Knowing that I’ll get to see them soon makes me even happier.
 • I had a parent-teacher conference this morning and I only cried a little bit. *winning!* I also curled my hair. *trying too hard* *also winning*
 • I have orders in my Etsy shop that are all painted & waiting to be shipped.
 • Our bills are paid. Our pantry, fridge & freezer are stocked. I have gas in my car & my radio still works. (Not that it was ever in danger of not working; I’m simply thankful for it.)
 Regardless of all I have to celebrate and be thankful for, some days I feel like I can barely function. I over-analyze my interactions with people, & feel guilt & embarrassment over things which the logical, rational side of me knows are ridiculous. I wonder why I said this or that thing, or why I didn’t say something. I often feel inadequate; I’m not enough or I’m not doing enough. I take responsibility for things that couldn’t possibly be my fault, but I bet you I can twist it in my brain until it is. I am not gracious with myself when I make mistakes, no matter how small.
 I say that to say this:
I’m still happy. I am SO happy because I have so much to be happy about! But often, it takes an intentional effort on my part. I don’t just wake up burping sunshine & farting rainbows. I have to count my blessings and remind myself daily of all I have to be grateful for. I have to intentionally think positive thoughts & say positive things. I have to surround myself with positive people, which is a bit more challenging than you might think. I have to practice yoga daily. I have to pray & ask for help. I have to watch what I eat & stay the heck away from caffeine! (Which, unfortunately since I paint coffee mugs I have a hard time doing – I have to test them, right? *wink wink*) I have to interact with people, go for walks & get outside even when I don’t want to…especially when I don’t want to.
 Sometimes I do a pretty great job, like today. Sometimes I fail and I let my irrational feelings swallow me. Sometimes I just fake it, for my benefit as much as anyone else’s.
 So, if you’re reading this, maybe you could remember it; consider it the next time you interact with “a happy person.” That person you’ve rarely seen without a smile on their face, the one you might go to for a laugh, for comfort, for sound advice…
Remember that sometimes they need someone, too. They may be sad, anxious or struggling in some way and they won’t always say it for of fear of embarrassment, shame, or just not wanting to burden anyone else. Sometimes they cover their struggle with a blanket of humor. Sometimes they don’t know what to say or how to say it. Sometimes there’s nothing they can attribute their sadness to & they just don’t want to hear “what do you have to be upset about? There are people everywhere who have it so much worse.” I promise you they know that already. You might think those people already know they are loved, needed and necessary in the world, but they don’t always. Sometimes they need to be reminded.
Today I challenge you –  first – to remind someone how necessary they are because you never know when they might need to hear it, & secondly, not to take anyone’s smile for granted; they may have done a lot of work to put it there.
 ….And…that’s all the word vomit I’ve got for you today folks!
 Now, I am going to go lend myself to something productive. Happy Tuesday everyone! Thanks for reading. Comment &/or share if you feel so inclined. 🙂

Random Affiliations

Plan-B-Toilet-Paper-Roll-300x198Yesterday I asked my Facebook peeps what today’s post should be about. They really came through for me. They suggested toilet paper, squirrels and a capricious rating system for cookies. Yup…these are my friends and family y’all and this is why I love them. (Now you know where my randomness comes from; they feed it frequently.)

I’ve thought long and hard about how to join those three topics (just like I somehow managed to marry Cannibal Poptarts & Goose-Step Salute) and when I say “thought long and hard” I mean I’m word-vomiting this entire thing on a whim. I like a challenge.

A cousin pointed out something I think we all know about toilet paper; there are 57,000,000,000 different kinds. Why? Why does there need to be a different brand of toilet paper for each county in America? Why does toilet paper range from 1-ply to 3-ply? What is a ply exactly?

Screen Shot 2014-12-04 at 4.31.38 PM
Finally, a question I (or google) can answer without much forethought.

8625537_600x338All you do is wipe your butt with it…it’s far from an elegant item so why are there so many choices ranging from ‘poor folks’ to ‘pampered ass?’ (See what I did there? *wink wink*) Also, why does toilet paper have commercials? There is no one in America who is not using this stuff!

Not gettin' much done with that I'm afraid.
Not gettin’ much done with that I’m afraid.

I realize cheap 1-ply TP is the equivalent of attempting to wipe your butt with the thinnest shreds of tissue paper you can find in a 3 year old, moth-eaten gift bag so why even make it an option?

If it tears mid-wipe (& it will), you’re in some serious trouble and probably shouldn’t shake anyone’s hand for at least 5 years or 2,000 gallons of bleach, whichever comes first.

Having a finger break through the paper right near the defecation excavation site every time we made a trip to the Super Bowl has the potential to grant one a very specific type of PTSD. Not to mention scratches…my grandma was a great woman; she taught me about John Wayne toilet paper. JW Toilet Paper

Let’s just get rid of 1-ply toilet paper for the health and sanity of all mankind. It would even contribute to the betterment of the economy because we would no longer be forced to waste time and resources on subpar butt paper.

I’m not even going to talk about 2-ply because it’s the middle child of toilet paper and everybody knows they never get enough attention. (Oh, don’t be so uptight…that was a joke.) 😉

That makes the 3-ply TP the youngest child, and therefore the softest and most awesome. Much like my parents, the TP companies created perfection with the last one and so they stopped. 🙂 Kidding again…in all seriousness though, I believe they only kept the one and two-ply so they could make the 3-ply more expensive. So now, unless you’re Bill Gates or my mother, you have to buy 1-ply because that’s all you can afford (and if you’re my mother 1-ply is all you can afford, too, but you don’t care), but you have to buy more of it because everybody has to use 75 feet of it in order to feel clean and in that way, the butt companies make more money off the 1-ply. (Hello run-on sentence…)

charmin-bearOne of those butt companies is making all their money on a family of bears. (That sentence sounded better in my head.) Sure, these bears are all cute and precious with their soft toilet paper and sparkly clean backsides, but we all know they don’t actually look like this. Bears are actually like this: ROAR. (Incidentally, that describes Katy Perry, too.) That is false advertising and I think Bears everywhere should sue for slander because the media is making them look like pansies. Bears are not super cute, dainty pansies who wipe their butts with baby-soft paper. You know what would be super cute using toilet paper and by “using toilet paper” I mean being used AS toilet paper? You guessed it. Cookies. And by “cookies,” I mean squirrels. (Sorry, I had to make sure you were paying attention.)


I addressed the fact that there are too many ply-choices, so now I think I’ll attack the ridiculous number of brand choices. People are wiping their butts with bears, puppies, babies, koalas, cats…I googled it.




Despite what this book says, it’s the right year for wiping your butt with a squirrel. It would serve them right for doing the deer wrong. See, the squirrels had an insurance gig, but they straight up sabotaged the deer & stole the whole thing right out from underneath them, I know it. I just need to prove it so that I can get the deer a better deal with Progressive. (Dear Flo, I’ll be needing that endorsement check now. M’kayThanksBye!)

Once we prove the squirrels are undermining swindlers and make amends to the deer, you, me, the bears and the deer will sit around drinking wine while making fun of squirrels and eating cookies. We’ll have a bake off and rate each others confections on a scale from John Wayne to puppies.ghk-kleenex-cottonelle-ultra-toilet-paper-mdn The determining factor will be how much of our new squirrel paper we have to use to…well…never mind the details. All I’m going to say is that any type of cookie containing coffee or meant to be dipped in coffee before consumption is going to be closer to the puppy end of the scale while anything classified as a pastry containing milk or cheese is sure to be on the John Wayne end of the spectrum.

So that’s that, people: Toilet paper, squirrels & cookies. How’d I do??

Things I Think I Can Say (In French) But Can’t Really Say (In Any Language Other Than English)

L’esprit de l’escalier.

It’s French & if the snippet of the (photo of the) newspaper that I read is accurate, it is translated as ‘staircase wit.’ Staircase wit is what it’s apparently called when you think of a clever comeback after it’s too late to deliver it.

Story of my life.

It’s at the top of my list of reasons why I prefer writing over actually talking to people. I can think about what I want to say before all kinds of unwelcome thoughts just spew out of my mouth like word-vomit. Organization, making sure what I’m saying is actually what I mean; that’s what I need. Versus when I’m having a conversation & I say something stupid & realize that is not at all what I meant or else that it’s what I meant, but not the way I meant to say it.

Speaking of saying things, I really need someone to tell me how to pronounce that French word because when I say it, it sounds like I’m hacking up a gallon of phlegm with a thick southern drawl & vaguely Spanish consonants.

However, I can say “vis ma vie” quite clearly.